Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Living With Grace

It is a struggle, as I sit down to write this evening, to form all of my thoughts into a cohesive format.  This day...oh, my.

It started as a regular day with regular cinnamon toast.  Then Nurse came.  Ten minutes into her visit, I knew I was going to throw up, and promptly did so.  Maybe I have not made it clear here before, so I will do it now:  I hate vomiting.  It's for sure in my top 3 things I despise.  Right after I returned from brushing my teeth, Nurse re-introduced the prospects of "assistance equipment," including an oxygen tank and a wheelchair.  She first introduced the ideas during her visits last week, when I quickly and distinctly turned her down.

I lost the battle today.  I am now the horrified owner of a WHEELCHAIR, which you will NEVER see me in.

She left, and then I threw up twice more.

THEN, my sweet Goliath came to me to confess that he "accidentally" read something on my iPad that was hurtful to me, so it was also hurtful to him.  He was full of questions and a little bit angry.  That caused me to ask more questions and be a little a lot angry all over again.

Stupid day.

What I really want to do here, though, is tell you about last night.  This conversation happened:

Goliath:  So Mom, you know how you have that cancer?
Me:  Yes.  Yes, I do.
G:  Well, I need to talk to you about something.  I'm not sure if it's wrong or not, though.
Me:  You can tell me anything, buddy.
G:  You know I would do anything for you, right?
Me:  Yeah....
G:  Every night when I go to bed and I say my bedtime prayers, I pray for you to not have to have cancer anymore.  And a lot of nights, I pray that God would just give me your cancer instead.  You know, so I could be sick instead of you.
Me:  (Solid, streaming tears)
G:  Is it wrong for me to pray that, Mom?

I think at that very moment I understood for the first time how sad my parents must be.  Because the very thought of my baby having to go through this horrible, wretched disease made my head spin and my heart nearly split in two.  At the very thought.  

I somehow managed to keep my head on and I dried up my tears.  I told my precious baby boy how God doesn't want bad things to happen to us, but they do because we do not live in a perfect world.  I reminded him how God wanted perfection for us (remember the Garden of Eden?), but sin messed that all up.  I said to him that God has a good plan and great ideas for all of us, and as Christ-followers, one of the hardest things we have to do sometimes is to BELIEVE that is true and TRUST Him to see it through.  Yes, even if our mom has cancer.  Yes, even if it turns our lives upside down.  Yes, even if it sucks.  (I allow this boy 'o mine to say the word "sucks" only when it is used in combination with the word "cancer."  True mom story.)  
Then I said to Goliath that while I don't think he's necessarily wrong to pray this particular prayer, that I wish he wouldn't do it anymore.  Simply because I can't stand the thought that God could choose to answer his prayer.

No more than I can believe that I gave birth to a person who would do anything for me.  He's only twelve--and I totally believe he would do it if he could.  Grace is getting something you totally don't deserve...and if being this kid's mom isn't grace, I don't know what is.


Jackiejaxn said...

Beautiful, next to your healing the cry of my heart is for your 3 boys!

Anonymous said...

Grace is such a wonderful and powerful thing. You are blessed with a wonderful and wise son and I can only imagine that you are bursting with pride over your three amigos. Prayers of peace for all of you.

Tiffany said...

What a precious heart that boy of your has!!! I love you and so wish I could come over and hug your neck. You are in my prayers and so is that precious family of yours!!!

Anonymous said...

We haven't met, but I have read your blog, and my child is in the same grade as your baby. I feel like I know you - how you share your story, your heart, your soul. Other comments show that you are touching so many lives, and I want you to know you have touched mine as well. Your last blog expressed such sorrow and questions about the impact you make in this world, and it sounds like your son gave you a wonderful answer. Unending prayers continue for you, your family and all those who share in your journey.

Cherie Niscavits said...

It's clear---God is there with you---and your dearly loved family!! God brings you to my mind often!! Holding you in my heart and prayers, precious Allyson.


Liz said...

What a precious boy!

Lori said...

Goliath, you have a hero's heart, a brave warrior heart! I can only imagine, Allyson how your heart must have burst hearing that from your sweet son. Those cowboys of yours clearly know how to love--because of you, their dad and of course, the Lord God who created them! I'm still praying for your miracle--and for your husband, your cowboys and your families too!

Anonymous said...

We haven't met either, yet I read your blog faithfully. I pray for you throughout my day. I pray for your family and for you to have even greater courage than you have already shown. I hate cancer too. I watched my mom lose the battle when I was a teen and never realized how difficult it was for my grandmother, her mother, to watch her pain until I became a mother.

Anonymous said...

Cancer sucks!

You and your family are loved and prayed for.

May you KNOW more and more of God's grace every day. That is the only thing that will make all this worth it. There is much to be said about experiencing the presence of God. You are living it.

Love and prayers, Kathy Herron

Jenny B said...

Thank you for sharing. Crying while I read this in VA. What a sweet young man and what an amazing mother to continue to glorify God to him in what must be one of the must difficult struggles EVER! I am praying for you and your family!

K Quin said...

Thank you for sharing your story. You may never understand how it helps others. I will never pretend to understand your pain. I admire your strong faith and you are an inspiration to me. Cancer has recently forever changed our family. My husband was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer and life will never be the same. This is just the beginning of our journey and I know that God is faithful and the cancer was never a surprise to him.

Anonymous said...

I love your words and had to write that one on a sticky note. "Grace is getting something you totally don't deserve". Wow!!! Powerful. Praying for God's grace to envelope your life and those around you. Praying for your health, peace and your boys. God bless you and thank you for encouraging me to be a better me. Thank you for showing me how to enjoy even the tiny things. Thank you!
Friend of a friend in OKC.
Karen Smith

Anne-Marie said...

Cancer SO sucks. YOU on the other hand are amazing. And I am convinced more than ever that Goliath is a rockstar.

I have a vision of you in my mind, walking by the wheelchair and sticking your tongue out at it.

You are a wonderful example of grace in my life. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I do love that Goliath and we miss seeing him!

Continually Praying,
Melissa Pierce

Anonymous said...

Your son is really beautiful and truly must take after his mommy

celakindle said...

As a 12 year old you would think that he understands, but only to an extent. His prayer shows how much he REALLY understands. This one made me ball. His love shows how well of a job you and husband are doing as parents. He knows you love him and that love will stay with him forever. God Bless you! God bless your beautiful family. I will be praying for peace in your home and in all your hearts. Thanks for sharing such personal moments in your life. It's so touching. Peace be with you.