The TV is droning in the background with a "year in review" program. How in the world did "selfie" make it into the dictionary this year? Who decides that?!? I guess we should be glad the word isn't "twerk." Blech. I am finishing this year in the same way that I have spent much of the month of December: in bed, propped up on pillows, waiting for the next round of medication.
I am also waiting for the clock to wind down the minutes until you are gone. You've been unkind, 2013. There's no other way to say it. I will not shed tears at the stroke of midnight.
The Year of our Lord Two Thousand Thirteen has taken me on a wild goose chase as I continue to pursue care for the Monster. I went from Texas to New York to Oklahoma, only to be sent back to Texas empty-handed. Monster has grown, uninhibited, while doctors literally across the country seem to shrug their shoulders and wish me the best before passing me along to the next stop.
I am discouraged. I am tired. I am uncertain.
2013, you have sucked the fire out of me. All of the bravado I can muster has fallen short when stacked up against you.
Things that I have held on to for security or comfort have also been taken from me this year. Important things, like my AbbyDog. There's no question that it was time, but I would be lying if I said that I haven't missed her during this ongoing time of convaslescence.
Husband just got notice that when the ball drops tonight and 2013 expires, so does his job. It's all about budgets and contracts and he's not the only one, but in no way does that calm my fear.
My very identity--how I define myself, how I find my self-value--has been undermined this year. For the first time ever, I have serious doubts about my mothering abilities as I spend more time being "sick" and less time being "Mom." Of course, the "right" answer here is that my value is found in Christ, not as a mother or a wife or through any level of activity or accomplishment. But the enemy of self-doubt is hard at work, and I feel it so strongly in my soul!
My natural inclination is to hide. It's actually been easy to do this month as the wretch of radiation has almost dictated hibernation. This way, I can nurse my wounds--and my fear--in peace. The warrior in me is beat down. You've busted her up, 2013. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Before I go, though, I want you to know one thing: You don't win. You've tried hard, no question. But tonight, while the clock ticks down, I have the sense to count my blessings. Forefront among them: I was there to welcome my nephew into the world this year. I honestly did not think I would live long enough to hold that precious baby, and there is no way the joy that is knowing Truett can be stolen from me.
There are others, of course. My own 3 sons are healthy and growing well. I am part of something much bigger than just me: a family that loves and cares for one another in unbelievable ways, ways that so many other people just don't have. I get to be Auntie to darling pieces of my own heart. I have amazing friends who are committed to walk this path with me. I am part of a dynamic church that supports, loves, and helps us.
So, 2013, take that. I am tired of you. I will not stay up tonight to even give you the satisfaction of a proper send-off. I'm so done with you. Here's to a happier, healthier, all-around better 2014.
"Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, indeed He will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.' " Isaiah 35:3-4