Wednesday, May 21, 2014

From This Side

I have great friends who remind me daily that I am loved.

I have a great family who takes care of me and shows love through their sacrificial giving.

I have three little boys who are my world.

And I have Jesus, who is faithful and unchanging.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."  Psalm 73:26

Many of you know that Psalm 73:26 is my life verse.  These are dark, scary days when my flesh and my heart actually are failing.  These are days when I desperately need something to cling to, and this is it:  Jesus.  He has given me everything I need.  Admittedly, there are times I take my eyes off of Him, and that is the very second I begin to flail in overwhelming waters.  I start to drown.  I can not--not for one second --take my eyes off of my Light.

I have recently experienced a minor (felt major to me!) medical emergency where I could not get enough oxygen.  It felt like there was not enough air in the whole world to help  me breathe in a cadence that would sustain my life.  So. Very. Scary.  We called hospice to help, and eventually I got it under control.   It was an eye-opening experience for a lot of reasons, the main one being this:  When I need medical help--REAL medical help for a REAL medical crisis--I'm not going to go to the hospital.  I'm not going to call a doctor.  There will be no emergency room.  I'm going to call hospice.  Nurse will come and she will hold my hand.  Mom will tell me "It's okay," over and over again.  I will feel panicked, and I am very, very afraid of that.
It's a bad feeling to live in fear.  Especially when I know that the fear is unnecessary.  Jesus will take care of me.  But from this side, it's hard to see how that will happen.  From this side, it's dark.  From this side, it is terribly frightening.
I have so much.  But from this most hidden thoughts bubble up.  He is enough.  But how can it all possibly come together for good?