Wednesday, May 21, 2014

From This Side

I have great friends who remind me daily that I am loved.

I have a great family who takes care of me and shows love through their sacrificial giving.

I have three little boys who are my world.

And I have Jesus, who is faithful and unchanging.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."  Psalm 73:26

Many of you know that Psalm 73:26 is my life verse.  These are dark, scary days when my flesh and my heart actually are failing.  These are days when I desperately need something to cling to, and this is it:  Jesus.  He has given me everything I need.  Admittedly, there are times I take my eyes off of Him, and that is the very second I begin to flail in overwhelming waters.  I start to drown.  I can not--not for one second --take my eyes off of my Light.

I have recently experienced a minor (felt major to me!) medical emergency where I could not get enough oxygen.  It felt like there was not enough air in the whole world to help  me breathe in a cadence that would sustain my life.  So. Very. Scary.  We called hospice to help, and eventually I got it under control.   It was an eye-opening experience for a lot of reasons, the main one being this:  When I need medical help--REAL medical help for a REAL medical crisis--I'm not going to go to the hospital.  I'm not going to call a doctor.  There will be no emergency room.  I'm going to call hospice.  Nurse will come and she will hold my hand.  Mom will tell me "It's okay," over and over again.  I will feel panicked, and I am very, very afraid of that.
 
It's a bad feeling to live in fear.  Especially when I know that the fear is unnecessary.  Jesus will take care of me.  But from this side, it's hard to see how that will happen.  From this side, it's dark.  From this side, it is terribly frightening.
 
I have so much.  But from this side...my most hidden thoughts bubble up.  He is enough.  But how can it all possibly come together for good?

77 comments:

Lori said...

Again, just so very sorry you are having to deal with this Monster! But JESUS is bigger than the monster-for that we are thankful! I don't know you but I check this blog every day wondering how you and your family are holding up and so was surprised to see a post today--but, relieved. Then I feel guilty for my relief because to linger means more struggle for you and that is NOT something I want ANYONE to go through! (please don't feel obligated to post--just when you want or are able to!) I pray that the Lord will be your breath and your peace of mind as you journey on this road!

Shara Hartman said...

I am praying for you, Allyson. There is nothing easy about this, but Jesus has promised to never leave you. I'm praying He holds you so very, very close and calms every fear of your heart. Tell your sweet mama I'm praying for her heart, too. You are loved and being lifted up to the Father at all times!

Brainerd Barrios said...

Allyson,

Keep fighting the good fight. Continue to realize the He IS enough. Many of us are praying for you and your family. We love you very much.

B

Anonymous said...

so many people unknown to you and pray for you to have not another moment of fear.....ever

Allison said...

Know that you are being prayed for often. Thank you for the beauty of your words... Jesus is enough and we need to keep our eyes on Him every second.

Anonymous said...

Allison, you are such an inspiration. Nobody wants to live the life you are living, but few of us could live that life with the grace, love and faith that you display. I keep you and your family in my prayers.

sklc333 said...

Even if you take your eyes off your light, He is still with you. He will always be with you. He will not let you fall into the abyss. You are safe and you are loved. Praying for you and sending much love from New York.

Karen Smith said...

Praying for your peace and comfort.

loridave said...

I am keeping you in my prayers. May you have peace and comfort. May you be enlightened to the reason for the season.

Joan Malik said...

Allison you are going through things most of us have never gone through, your faith is amazing and an inspiration to all. Praying for you to always feel God's loving arms wrapped around you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I, too, check every day for a post from you. And am happy and sad and prayerful every time I see one (always prayerful when I check). You're an inspiration and so, so brave. Even when you're scared, you're brave. Remember Jesus loves you. And your boys. He'll never leave you. I know you know that. God bless you.

Helen Barlow said...

Allyson. I do not know you personally, but have been praying and requesting prayer for you and your family for a long time now. God is your refuge - a very present help in time of trouble. He is your hiding place - your peace and comfort in times of distress. May he be very close to you and wrap you in his arms and protect you. I will continually keep you and your family in my prayers.

Clif Cummings said...

"On this side" eyes have not seen nor ear heard what God has prepared for those who diligently wait on Him. Praying for you and your family!!

Anonymous said...

Praying He will bring you comfort and calm as you face this time of fear and unknowing.

Annette said...

I pray for you and check your blog daily. Despite the fact that you are such a strong Christian, I am sure the overwhelming feelings that you have are only natural. God and everyone who has been touched by you can easily see your dedicated faith. I pray for peace and comfort for you and your precious family. When my mother was on Hospice last year she was feeling very anxious at times and they were able to give her some sort of medication to help with that. I don't know if that is something you would want or need but just wanted to throw that out there. I will continue to pray for you and your family. May God grant you the peace and comfort you need right now.

Sandy said...

I have been lurking at your blog for a while now...I never know what to say to help you. I pray for you a lot and I pray for the MIRACLE from the Lord...He is more than able to accomplish anything for your good and His Glory...
You are an incredible woman to go thru what you are gong thru and yet you are able to cling to the Only One who can give you strength, JESUS...You are an inspiration to all of us...
I pray for you daily...
Love from NC

Kathy Hagler said...

I too have been a lurker on your blog, even though I don't know you personally. I too check every day for an update to see how you're doing. I want you to know that the battle you have fought for so long has encouraged and blessed and strengthened my faith in so many ways. I also pray for you and your family every day.

anonymous said...

JESUS MOST ASSUREDLY IS ENOUGH!!

No matter how big our fear, He remains enough...faithful and ever-present. You're facing big fears right now, Allyson...bigger than I can begin to understand. My prayers for you and your family have been fervent, but this is my first time to write. The words of a Rich Mullins song keep running through my head:

"So hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace"

It is clear from all you have written that you know that you know that you know that Jesus is your Prince of Peace...your Comforter...your Shepherd. You are His and you cannot be snatched from His hand! Jesus says in John 10:27-30 "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one."

Even when you feel like you're losing your grip...like the dark waters are rising up around you, He is not...WILL NOT let go of His grip on you. And how tender He is to place angels in your life...your mom...your hospice nurse...your family and friends...angels whose presence and touch give you assurance and comfort.

My prayers will continue, precious one, for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Continued prayers for you and your family. Your grace and faith as you battle Monster are so inspiring, as is your unflinching truth. So much love for you and your sweet family.

Anonymous said...

Allyson, I pray that the Aarons and the Hurs in your life are holding you up, lifting you high when your emotions dip low. I'm so thankful for how that all works; God is so faithful! Be at rest, sweet sister. See you on the other side!

Anonymous said...

He Loves You!

Faith said...

Dear, dear Allyson....
I've a friend who walks beside me on the sands of time,
We share each joy and care of the day;
When the heat and the toils seem to cause me to faint -
He then stops and He stoops and He carries me part of the way.
One set of footprints when my feet are tired and sore,
One set of footprints when my load He gently bore;
One set of footprints when I cannot understand,
One set of footprints on the sand.
-Cindy Koehn
Our Saviour will carry you all of the way home....praying God will fill you with rest and peace as you lean on His bosom! -Faith from WI

Denise Camarillo said...

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints." And....in the end of time Jesus
does away with our enemy, death....conflicting, but both are a part of our transition to our reward in His presence...my husband passed on before me....it reminded me of the sacredness of childbirth and the pain that is a part of our entry into this world...
Just before he passed, he asked for a pen and paper and wrote down, "going home"...this is a sacred time appointed by God and He will sustain both you and your sweet family..

Anonymous said...

Allyson, I pray for you every.singe.day. I pray for your peace, strength, courage, for your family, for your boys especially. But before I pray for any of that, I first pray that the Monster would miraculously leave your body, and leave you ready to resume all of the wonderful life you desire. Unrealistic?? I can't say that. Because you have reminded me that faith in God is good and much bigger than any of us, so why not pray for what seems insurmountable?? Your transparency through all this has touched SO many lives. And I can say that you have not only touched my life, but CHANGED it through your demonstration and example of unwavering faith. You are the example I will follow as I bring my own family back to a more spiritually-focused life. Thank you for sharing your journey, your faith, your soul. Sending you lots of hugs, love and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I've been waiting for a while to share this with you:
"Faith is often the child of fear. Fear propelled Peter out of the boat. He'd ridden these waves before. He knew what these storms could do. He'd heard the stories. He'd seen the wreckage. He knew the widows. He knew the storm could kill. And he wanted out. All night he wanted out. For nine hours he tugged on sails, wrestled with oars, and searched every shadow on the horizon for hope. He was soaked to the soul and bone weary of the wind's banshee wail. Look into Peter's eyes and you won't see a man of courage. Search his face and you won't find a gutsy grimace. Later on, you will. You'll see his courage in the garden. You'll witness his devotion at Pentecost. You'll behold his faith in his epistles. But not tonight. Look into his eyes tonight and see fear - a suffocating, heart-racing fear of a man who has no way out. But out of this fear will be born an act of faith, for faith is often the child of fear....If Peter had seen Jesus walking on the water during a calm, peaceful day, do you think that he would have walked out to Him? Nor do I. Had the lake be carpet smooth and the journey pleasant, do you think that Peter would have begged Jesus to take him on a stroll across the top of the water? Doubtful. But give a man a choice between sure death and a crazy chance, and he'll take the chance...every time. Great acts of faith are seldom born out of calm calculation." Max Lucado - Experiencing the words of Jesus (Hearing His Voice; Trusting His Words)
Beautiful one, Jesus Christ is Faithful!
Isaiah 42:8; Isaiah 42:13-14, 16; Psalm 46:10.
You are in my heart and prayers because of Him (Thank you, Jesus!)...to our precious God(Heavenly Father, Son and Holy Spirit) alone, belongs all the glory, all the power, all our praises and all our lives. There is nothing about us but there is Everything about Jesus Christ!Amen.

Anonymous said...

Praying for His Shalom to fall over you and hold you close to His heart, so close you can feel the beat of love for you.

Praying for you daily. For you and yours.

Yvonne said...

I pray for you often. We went through a terrible time when others prayed for us after my daughter's near drowning and I was helped by those prayers. I think of you daily, and pray for you daily. Often at night if I'm awaken, you come to my mind. I'm so sorry you are going through this....

Anonymous said...

Have been praying for you throughout the day and evening. As I do an old wonderful hymn comes to mind... His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me... He's watching and loving you.

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Liz said...

Continually praying for you, Allyson!

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Anonymous said...

Allyson, I pray that the Creator of Jesus and the Creator of you and me and the Heavens and the Earth show you His Light.

I pray to Him who sustained Jesus and is sustaning you to be your savior and to give you peace and tranquility in your heart.


“He is God, [who is] One,
God, the Eternal Refuge.
He neither begets nor is born,
Nor is there to Him any equivalent.”

--Translation of Sura 112.

Anonymous said...

Allison, you have been such an inspiration to me. Your faith and love for Christ is contagious. May God surround you and your family with His loving arms. May God's peace be with you through the end.

Anonymous said...

The Tea-cup
There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in the beautiful store. This was their 25th wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques and pottery and especially tea-cups. They said, "May we see that? We've never seen one quiet so beautiful." As the lady handed it to them, suddenly, the tea-cup spoke, "You don't understand." It said, "I have not always been a tea-cup. There was a time when I was a red clay. My Master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and I yelled out, "Let me alone", but He only smiled, "Not Yet!" "Then I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. "Stop it!! I am getting dizzy!" I screamed. But the Master only nodded and said, "Not Yet." Then He put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see Him through the opening and I could read His lips as He shook His head, "Not yet." "Finally, the door opened, He put me on the shelf and I began to cool. And He brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. "Stop it. Stop it!!"I cried. He only nodded, "Not yet." The suddenly He put me back into the oven, not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened and He took me out and placed me on the shelf. An hour later He handed me a mirror and said "Look at yourself." And I did. I said, "That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's Beautiful. I'm Beautiful." " I want you to remember, the, he said, "I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I just left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurts and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life, and if I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't survive for long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. You are what I had in mind when I first began with you."
God knows what He is doing (for all of us). He is the potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us, so that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will.

Only a wonderful, living, mighty and glorious Savior (Jesus Messiah)can make a Beautiful, strong, pure and loving woman, mother and wife like you are. Trust Him. He knows what He is doing and He is keeping you close to His heart...can you feel His breath? Can you hear His heart?
Praying for you every day!

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Annette said...

Still thinking of and praying for you and your family daily. Wishing for peace and comfort for you all...

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Annette said...

Allyson, you and your family continue to be in my constant thoughts and prayers. I am also a mother of three and identify with you so much. By sharing yourself you have strengthened so many of us in our Christian faith. May God grant you and your precious family peace and comfort.

Continued prayers from Houston,
Annette W.

Sherri said...

Praying for you!

Karen said...

How is Ally doing? It was been a several weeks since she posted something. I have been praying for her and her family.
God bless and comfort each one.

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Lori said...

Thinking of you, Allison and praying for you and your family...

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Anonymous said...

Thinking of you!
Dear Allyson, you are a woman that brings joy to God's heart and honor to Jesus's Name. God has strengthen His children's faith through you. May Jesus's Peace reign in your heart all the time. Thinking of you! Many people are praying for you...Your Faith in Jesus Christ and your love for Him brings tears of joy in my eyes. May the Lord rewards your Faith and bring Joy to your heart and to your family today and forever. You are really loved, respected, appreciated and admired. Thinking of you every single day!

Anonymous said...

Allyson,

We love you and we thank God for you. To God be the glory!

Jenny said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenny said...

Allyson,

I don't know if you'll see this, but I wanted you to know I've been praying for you every day. I felt let last night very strongly to pray. I don't know why, but God laid you heavily on my heart. I'm praying for mercy and that the Lord will ease your fears and give you peace, and comfort your husband and babies. Just wanted you to know you are loved and prayed for. <3

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Annette Willburn said...

Allyson, I continue to think of and pray for you daily. Continued prayers from Houston ... May God grant you all peace and comfort through this time.

Blessings,
Annette

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My heart is heavy thinking of you and your family. I know God is strong and will give you peace. Your boys are so loved and they so know you love them. God bless you.

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