Ah, 2012. I woke up this morning and remembered that it was the last time we would meet, and I actually smiled. You haven't been too kind.
I dreamt last night that my family 'o five was on vacation. At our resort, there was a Belgian waffle buffet for breakfast. We loved it! The waffles could be made into any shape and the toppings seemed to stretch for miles: cherries, strawberries, whipped cream, blueberries, flavored syrups, pecans, almonds...you get the idea. It was a waffle smorgasbord. That's what I want 2013 to be like: full of choices.
2012 didn't give me much choice. It handed me cancer on a silver platter, not caring whatsoever that I don't want it. It took my job and replaced it with chemotherapy. It gave me The Great Heartache. 2012 found me seeking professional help for the first time in my life, only to realize that I might be too much of a mess for it to matter.
Now, as 2012 prances its way out, I feel like I'm left with a huge natural disaster that requires clean-up, but it's so big and unruly I don't even know where to begin. Should I start with my Baby, who might think it's normal for a mother to oversee homework progress from under the covers? Or should I start with my calendar, which is dotted with lab appointments, doctor visits, and infusion times--all in pencil, because they are subject to change at any minute? Maybe I should start with my husband, who confessed to me through tears on Christmas night that he can't "do THIS"--meaning, "You make Christmas smell like Christmas, look like Christmas, and taste like Christmas, and if you're not here, we won't have the right kind of Christmas." How about my Little Middle, who knows that a half hour of Duck Dynasty with Mom is a surefire way to escape reality and laugh? What about my Goliath, who worries and is constantly on watch for the next bad and unsafe thing for our family? How about those all-too-real thoughts and ideas that are taking form on paper, outlining my wishes and what-to-do's for the end of my life? I wish it were as simple as a "delete" button.
Clark Griswold had a point: "Look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!"
It's no wonder that I hibernate.
I'm tired of 2012. I'm fed up with its surprises and never-saw-that-comings. I'm exhausted from trying to hold it all together, only to have everything crumble around me. I am sick to death of treading water with the hopes of just staying afloat, rather than really being out there and living.
My pastor said this in his sermon yesterday: "Look at your 2012. And give thanks."
Give thanks. Give thanks? Are you serious, Clark?
I know that he is. SGH doesn't kid around when it comes to direct commands from God. So I'm hunting down a few things to be thankful for in 2012:
1. Reese Elizabeth. Lordy, I love this baby girl. She makes me happy when skies are gray.
2. My cousin Christina moved to Dallas a few months ago, which has afforded me the pleasure of her company. We think the same things are stupid, we have in-depth convos about theology, and we are gonna write a book someday. Oh, and neither of us has an actual dessert menu.
3. My house. I l-o-v-e this house. It makes me happy to be here (which is good, since I spend so much time here!). I am particularly in love with my freshly-painted kitchen right now.
4. People. God has put some pretty dynamic people in my life. Some of them are related to me; a lot of them I just lucked out with. I am blessed in an amazing way with people who love me and my family, who pray for us, who feed us, who knew us way-back-when and still care...pretty unbelievable.
5. Opportunities. Although The Sickness has brought a lot of undesirable misery my way, it has also presented opportunities that I would never have had otherwise. I can be real about suffering, but I can also be real about my Savior to a world who needs to know.
Hmm. It's a good start. My life, as messy and unpredictable as it is, is still intact. I have so much more than a lot of people. I am blessed, in spite of this year's best efforts.
Make no mistake, 2012. I won't miss you AT ALL. You will go down in history as one of my least-favorite 365 days ever. I'm definitely looking for more sunshine and sparkles in 2013. But you are valuable in your own way because you taught me a lot. You gave me happiness in spite of yourself. Most importantly, you stretched me. I'm not the same person I was, and that's not a bad thing. I am determined to add to the list, and I will give thanks. In all things.
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”--Albert Einstein
Here's to new beginnings and a bright 2013~Cheers!