Safe

Almost two weeks ago, I spent a long morning in a Dallas hospital doing my bi-annual CT scan. I dread going; I am relieved to the point of tears when it's done. Five days after the test, I couldn't take the waiting anymore, so I called my oncologist's nurse. She returned my call later that day and said these words: "There are no abnormal masses, but..."

It appears that there is pelvic fluid accumulating due to an increased thickening in the mesenteric region in my upper abdomen. She was quick to point out that it could be caused by any number of things. The "C" word hung between us on the phone line like a dark cloud. She didn't say it, but I sure was thinking it.

The next day, the nurse called me again. She said that Dr. M had reviewed the images from the scan, and wanted to schedule me for a PET scan. The PET scan is a more sophisticated test, and will produce more exact images of my insides. Any "questionable" cells will "light up like a Christmas tree!" after I am injected with radioactive material.

I am waiting to find out exactly when the scan will be. Turns out my little test comes with a hefty price tag, and the guy who writes the checks at the insurance company may need to be persuaded.

I've had all sorts of thoughts and emotions, not the least of which is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the next phone call. Fear of what could happen. Fear of the test. I love this quote from Beth Moore: "Christ is never intimidated by the depth of our need and the demonstration of our weakness. I'm so glad I don't have to keep a stiff upper lip and set a good example for others to follow when I am all alone with God and hurting!" I'm so glad, too.

It was during some alone time with God this weekend that an answer "accidentally" came to me through music. I wrote the lyrics of this song down in my journal this morning. That way, regardless of how this thing turns out, I can go back and remember that I learned (again) that I don't have to be afraid.

Because I am safe.




"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Their First Rodeo!

In February 2008 Hubby had the flu. Because of my desperate need to occupy the kids and get out of the house, we accidentally discovered the wonderland that is the Fort Worth Stock Show, and a great family tradition was born. This year, we decided that our 3 little cowboys are finally old enough to appreciate (and sit through) the rodeo. We decided to go in the middle of the week when it wasn't so crowded, so on Tuesday afternoon, I went to the boys' elementary school and withdrew them for an "appointment." They were SO surprised!

As an extra surprise, Papa drove down from Abilene to go to the rodeo with us. The boys were so excited to see him!

The rodeo was great! We really enjoyed the calf scramble...

the real life cowboys...

and of course, the bull riding.


Rudy the Rodeo Clown was a favorite for Goliath and Little Middle!

Baby's favorite was the blue cotton candy.

When the rodeo was over, we walked through the stock show and saw the exhibits. There was plenty to see and do!

We test drove some big tractors,

enjoyed some tasty treats,

and admired some amazing animals!

I might not mind so much if my babies do indeed grow up to be cowboys.

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Birthday, Goliath!

Dear Goliath,

You are 8 years old today! We started the day with the traditional family birthday muffins. Actually, you started the day before any of us...you were already waiting for me when I came in the kitchen to bake! You always are an early riser. And it's a good thing you got a jump start on the day. As soon as you finished breakfast, you waited impatiently for your dad to take you to get your birthday present: a new bike! Much of the rest of the day was taken up riding around the neighborhood with your friends.

As I watched you blow out your candles this morning, read your cards, and ride your bike, I kept thinking the same thing: "He is so grown up!" And so you are. There is no trace of the baby you used to be--I long ago went from being "Mommy" to "Mom". You refer to your brothers as "you guys" and your friends as "dudes." You prefer a hot morning shower over the leisurely evening bubble baths you used to enjoy. You would rather watch a cowboy movie with Dad than cartoons with your brothers. You run to answer the phone when it rings, you know how to use the internet, and you recently figured out how to purchase pay-per-view movies off the TV. After 3 mysterious charges, we got smart and put parental locks on all the channels!

In some ways, you are just like any other growing boy. For one thing, you are pretty messy. Your room is a disaster, and I've had a hard time finding the balance between allowing it to be your personal space and insisting that it be tidy. I'm working on it, though. You also have become less careful about your appearance. You used to drive me crazy because you would roll up your pants legs because you thought you looked cool that way. Now, you don't seem to care if you're even wearing pants! You must be reminded to brush your teeth and comb your hair most days, and if I dare let you choose your clothes, they probably were picked up off your bedroom floor. I fear that this is just the first of many years of smelly socks, sweat-stained T-shirts, and moldy duffel bags for our family of boys!

In other ways, I am seeing more and more how God crafted you to be the one and only wonderful you. You really enjoy cooking--we have shared sweet moments in the kitchen creating delicious treats together. You adore horses! This year you finally got to take Papa's horse outside of the pen, and you are a pretty good rider. In fact, you are quite the outdoorsman. You also caught a gigantic fish this spring and killed your first deer just a few weeks ago. I will never forget how excited you were when you called me to tell me you "stopped him dead in his tracks!". You love to read, and can easily spend an hour (or longer) with your nose in a book.

This year you have enjoyed great success, but have also faced some tough challenges. This summer, one of your Sunday School teachers went to heaven after battling cancer. You asked questions that I couldn't answer, and it hurt my heart to realize that you still carry so much fear and worry from my illness. You faced a difficult situation at school in the fall, and showed us that your emotions--good and bad--run fast and furious. I wanted so much to step in and "fix it" for you, and I just couldn't. Talk about growing pains! As hard as these things have been, I am thankful for the bond that we share and the evidence that the God of the Universe holds my boy in His hand.

There are two mental pictures I have of The Year You Were Seven that I hope I never forget. One is from the day you broke your arm in Abilene. A visit to the ER became a trip to the operating room to reset the bone. While we waited for them to wheel you in to the OR, I was an emotional mess--I couldn't bear the thought of you going in there alone. But I didn't want you to feel scared, so I tried not to let you see me cry. When it was time for you to go, I leaned over to kiss you, and you gently wiped the tears off my face.

The other happens on a pretty regular basis: When I drop you and Little Middle off at school in the morning, you take care of him. Even if we're pressed for time, you wait for him to get out of the car, and you walk with him into the school building. I love to watch you caring for and loving your little brother that way, and I equally love how he seems to walk a little taller with you by his side.

Dad and I are so proud of you, little man. God made you strong, smart, and so very, very special. I expect that eight will be great for you, and I look forward to seeing what you will do next. I have no greater joy than simply being your mom. Happy Birthday, baby.

I love you,

Mom

Ringing In the New Year

In 2009, I...

*searched the world over for kid-size goat horns so that Goliath could shine in his 1st grade play.
*quit one of my jobs so that I could spend more time with my family.
*joined a gym, began working out regularly, and hired a very cheerful personal trainer.
*rediscovered the joy of making popcorn in an air popper.
*found a new church home.
*spent four amazing days in San Antonio with my mom and my sister.
*spent one night sleeping in a hospital chair after Goliath broke his arm while horseback riding.
*became a soccer and a football mom.
*celebrated the engagements of my sister and my best friend!
*had a meltdown when someone in my family brought home a rat for a pet, and ended up with a gerbil named Steve instead.
*cried during Little Middle's preschool graduation.
*cried again when I took Little Middle to kindergarten for the first time.
*joined forces with 3 friends (aka the "Dinner Divas") to create a dinner co-op.
*went hiking, hunting, and roller skating.
*had a tough time answering deep spiritual questions that my boys kept asking!
*attended a No-Cancer Party held in my honor.
*got into a consistent routine of doing daily quiet times.
*mourned with several friends over lost loved ones, and rejoiced with several others as they welcomed new babies.
*got a new car.
*saw Mary Poppins and The Nutcracker at the theater.
*listened to Little Middle read his first book.

In 2010, I am looking forward to...

*being part of 2 very special weddings.
*uneventful doctor visits and clear CT scans.
*deeper worship and closer walking with my God.
*continued fitness and weight loss.
*the rainy season, when I will get much use out of my new Mary Poppins parrot-head umbrella.

Thanks, Lord, for new beginnings.

Finding Joy

These weeks leading up to Christmas have been tough for me. I just haven't welcomed the season with the usual joy and excitement. I have seen so much heartache, loss, and worry in 2009--several of my friends are facing the holidays without loved ones...people I care about are jobless or faced with uncertain financial futures...people I look up to have lives turned upside down by illness. I've been annoyed by the commercialism attached to the holiday, and the pressure to make each Christmas bigger and better than the ones before. I want the season to be magical for my boys, and I have been at a loss as to how to make it happen. So I prayed, and I asked God to restore my joy and give me perspective. Here's what happened:

I told my class of 4-year-olds the Christmas story. I looked around the circle at their big eyes, and I knew there was no one else I would have wanted to be telling about the miracle of the manger.

I called my mom to tell her our plans had changed and we would be home for the holidays. As I sang "I'll Be Home for Christmas," she started to cry. I knew there was nothing else I would rather be hearing.

I was putting clean sheets on the beds while Baby was in the bathtub. I heard him singing "Go Tell It On the Mountain" to himself while he was splashing around. I laughed, and knew that I would treasure that memory for a long time.

I stayed up late wrapping presents a few nights ago. I thought about the joy that is to come on Christmas morning--not from the gifts themselves, but from the being together--and I knew there was nothing else I would rather be doing.

I sat in a worship service surrounded by my church family singing "O Holy Night." I knew there was nowhere else I'd rather be.

Yesterday I looked out the window to see Goliath hard at work in the yard, bagging leaves to earn money so he could go Christmas shopping for his family. I knew there was nothing else I would rather be seeing.

This afternoon I put on an apron and baked Christmas cookies with Little Middle and Baby. I watched them happily spread icing and shake sprinkles, and I knew I wouldn't trade that moment for anything in the world.

Joy to the world! The Lord is come!

I am ready to receive my King.

First Snow of the Season

We don't dare dream of a white Christmas in Texas, but that's what we got (albeit a few weeks early) yesterday morning! The big boys still had to go to school, but I managed to get a few shots of our littlest snow bunny.

Here he is enjoying the change in the weather...

...and licking snow off of the trampoline:

What can I say? Boys will be boys.