This is a weird time in my life. I've tried to think of other, better words. Lonely. Scary. Sad. Weird. I am working on creating--and accepting--a new normal for myself. This week, I've resigned from one of my last just-for-me activities, a volunteer position at Goliath's middle school. I simply don't have the energy or the physical stamina, to go and push buttons on a copy machine. It's really unbelievable to me.
I feel a little lost. I feel easily replaceable. It truly stuns me when I go out during the day and I see the little old man down the street preparing the soil in his gardens for the spring planting. Or when I hear the stories from my friends of what they've been up to, or notice the neighbors coming and going while I sit in the front room. Really....I don't expect that the world will continue to go like it always does--because I'm not in it. My husband is slowly but steadily taking over a lot of my stuff at home. My mom, and this week my dad, has been here taking care of me and doing a lot of the work. My darling housekeeper is even coming two days a week instead of her usual one Tuesday to help out.
While I am so appreciative of these people who love me and are helping with the transition process for my cowboys, my old self wants to jump up and do it all--just because it is mine to do. I want my mom to have her life back, my husband to just go to work and leave the running and the scheduling and the cooking to me, and I want Amparo to...well, I honestly don't mind her coming twice a week. I've finally found the solution to the laundry problem!!!
Mostly, I want my life back. I'm not angry or anything. Just sad. Because I had this great world made out of kids and noise and food and preschool and friends and shopping and taking care of things and church and activity and sharing and being a part of people. I mattered. And it was meaningful and sometimes messy, but wonderfully beautiful life. Now I have....what? A good bed and a quiet room and a few pairs of pajamas that I wear all the time. It pales in comparison.
A friend posted these words on Facebook last week from Jesus Calling:
"Thank Me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still...Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of those very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me...My strength and power show themselves most effective in weakness."
The day I read that, I wrote this in my journal:
"It's hard to be thankful for these conditions. I overdid it yesterday, and I paid for it today. It's so frustrating! Why can't I have at least a semi-regular life where I can do at least a few normal things? Can my limitations really be liberating??? Strong word. Oh, for grace to trust Him more!"
I want to be thankful. I really do. Being still is hard. Being weak is harder. I know God is in this new chapter. But the quieter it gets, the harder it is to hear Him.
Oh, for grace to trust Him more.