This is a weird time in my life. I've tried to think of other, better words. Lonely. Scary. Sad. Weird. I am working on creating--and accepting--a new normal for myself. This week, I've resigned from one of my last just-for-me activities, a volunteer position at Goliath's middle school. I simply don't have the energy or the physical stamina, to go and push buttons on a copy machine. It's really unbelievable to me.
I feel a little lost. I feel easily replaceable. It truly stuns me when I go out during the day and I see the little old man down the street preparing the soil in his gardens for the spring planting. Or when I hear the stories from my friends of what they've been up to, or notice the neighbors coming and going while I sit in the front room. Really....I don't expect that the world will continue to go like it always does--because I'm not in it. My husband is slowly but steadily taking over a lot of my stuff at home. My mom, and this week my dad, has been here taking care of me and doing a lot of the work. My darling housekeeper is even coming two days a week instead of her usual one Tuesday to help out.
While I am so appreciative of these people who love me and are helping with the transition process for my cowboys, my old self wants to jump up and do it all--just because it is mine to do. I want my mom to have her life back, my husband to just go to work and leave the running and the scheduling and the cooking to me, and I want Amparo to...well, I honestly don't mind her coming twice a week. I've finally found the solution to the laundry problem!!!
Mostly, I want my life back. I'm not angry or anything. Just sad. Because I had this great world made out of kids and noise and food and preschool and friends and shopping and taking care of things and church and activity and sharing and being a part of people. I mattered. And it was meaningful and sometimes messy, but wonderfully beautiful life. Now I have....what? A good bed and a quiet room and a few pairs of pajamas that I wear all the time. It pales in comparison.
A friend posted these words on Facebook last week from Jesus Calling:
"Thank Me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still...Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of those very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me...My strength and power show themselves most effective in weakness."
The day I read that, I wrote this in my journal:
"It's hard to be thankful for these conditions. I overdid it yesterday, and I paid for it today. It's so frustrating! Why can't I have at least a semi-regular life where I can do at least a few normal things? Can my limitations really be liberating??? Strong word. Oh, for grace to trust Him more!"
I want to be thankful. I really do. Being still is hard. Being weak is harder. I know God is in this new chapter. But the quieter it gets, the harder it is to hear Him.
Oh, for grace to trust Him more.
40 comments:
Oh momma. My heart hurts for you and your cowboys - big and small. Lifting you in prayer.
My heart breaks for you. You are in my prayers everyday and night. YOU DO MATTER! You matter to more people than you will ever know. There are people all over reading this blog and we are all so inspired by your faith in God through everything you have endured. You will continue to matter to those who know you and love you. Your writing is a great legacy for your children to see what a woman of God you are. They will never doubt your love for them.
You matter. I wish I knew you so I could tell you that. I see you occasionally at our kids' school but I never know what to say- I just want to hug you, but I don't want it to feel to you like I'm giving you that pity look. I'm not- I wish I knew you- you are a great woman whom everyone adores! You are such an amazing woman of faith, who has so much grace. Your family has a great number of people to love & pray for you/them every chance we get. You matter- to so many.
Praying in Oregon . . . come on you other lurkers and assure of your love and prayers!
Thank you for your honesty. That truly matters. It is making a mark. One that hurts, but one that impacts. You don't know me - I'm in that friend of a friend of a cousin category. But I will remember you, for a long, long time. And my own boys will know about you, and learn from you and your honesty, when I tell them your story. And you will continue to matter.
Although we have never officially met, my boys go to school with your 2 youngest... I am sure at some point we have crossed paths :) I want you to know, honestly and from the deepest reaches of my soul, how inspirational you are by the power of your honesty! Your faith astounds me, even as a Christian woman (okay okay, I'm Catholic... We can't all be perfect... KIDDING :) ) While I know my words are not that much to gather strength from, know that so many of us are praying for you every day. It's okay to be sad, scared and weirded out!!! But believe me, more than any of those, you are beautiful, loved, loving, inspirational, and faithful!!
Praying for a miracle for you and your family. Your life and faith has touched lives all over the country and the world. Come Lord Jesus
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that He is with us,
Will be with us to the end.
Allyson, I only know you through Sarah Fambrough's prayer requests for you. Our Women of Worth class has been praying for you and your family for quite some time. And though it seems your world has grown small as you walk through this hard time, know that your purpose has grown so very large. You and your story has reached countless people and even in this blog, God is using you to help many of us rediscover our faith and what it means to fully trust the Lord. Our prayers will continue but especially that He will continually whisper to you that you matter--that you are making a huge difference in the world even now and that the world is better for having you in it. You will not be forgotten and though some may take up the tasks you have done in the past, you could never be replaced. And for your little cowboys, you are still leaving a legacy of love and faith. You will always be in their hearts. Be blessed in the moments when He whispers your name and tells you, "I AM HERE." - Sheri Bennett
Continued prayers for you and your beautiful family. I must echo what others have already said. You matter in ways you may not even know. Your words and your faith inspires so many people. That matters. It is a legacy that your children will carry to their children. You never sugar coat the truth and that matters! I won't pretend to know how you feel, or to even think I could try. But God knows, and His purpose for you is so much bigger then we can understand. Thank you for sharing your powerful words with us. They matter.
How you matter. To the Highest One. rest in your true identity as His in this time. And of course your family.
Allyson, I don't think I've ever loved someone so much that I have never met in my entire life. I loved you first because I love your mother, but now you have carved your own way into my heart. Does that show you how much you matter?
I don't know if we would have been friends if we were members of the same church, but I find myself saying, " I know ...right?" with so many of your posts! I just want to sit down and have a cup of coffee with you... if not in this world, then maybe the next. Fight on, sister! You are something else!
Allyson, I will echo with heartfelt honesty what others have said, You DO matter! You matter to the One who knows the very number of hairs on your head and had your days pre-ordained long before you were even created. You matter to your husband and your precious cowboys! You matter to friends, your church and strangers here.
That "anonymous" post brought tears to my eyes when the person stated that she wishes she could hug you when she sees you in passing, that she feels inadequate in knowing what to say, that she doesn't want you to feel pitied. I hope and pray that IF she feels so moved, she WILL go up to you and give you a hug or even a smile and introduce herself to you and tho I do not know you, I DO know you will receive her kindness with kindness and grace!
You matter when I think about my own life. I am several years older than you are, single, no children and in the midst of a period of crisis within my family of origin. There is no end in sight and it seems like every light at the end of the tunnel is a train. I admit, the past few days I've felt sorry for myself and I have days where I feel like I do not matter myself, and feel incredibly lonely and like all my days are the same. (I am a Christian. I tell myself I should not feel like this but alas, like you, I am human but, unlike you, not near as wise!)
Tonite, reading your words, I am reminded that so many on this earth carry far heavier burdens than my own. Allyson, it is an honor to help carry yours through prayer and intercession.
Please know you are cared about far more than you know! As is your family! I pray for you all--including your parents during this time! Hugs and love to you!
Allyson,
I'm not as eloquent as the others here, but I feel just as they have all said. You matter NOW. I, too, struggle with what to say to you and pray that somehow God letting you know exactly what is in my heart. I pray for you and your family daily and thank Him for your gift that you are sharing with us all. What a legacy you are leaving for your boys.
Allyson, I have quietly been following you through your journey....and continue to pray for you and your precious family.
It is so difficult to understand God's plan at this time! But we are suppose to trust Him and know that he loves us and does have a plan for all of us...just very hard to comprehend ...You Do Matter! You are leaving such a legacy of love behind for your boys, husband and anyone that reads this...
Allyson I love you and pray for you from afar. We have met once when our kids were in kindergarten together. Your boys are precious and my heart aches for you and your family. Your faith is an inspiration to many, including myself. I find myself praying more, reflecting often, and loving more deeply after reading your blog. Please know you matter. You matter to me, your community, your family, and to your God.
I wish you had your normal life back also. Your journey is touching me and so many others. A new normal is very hard.
I continue to repeat your words over and over again..."I don't understand Him, but I believe Him"
Allyson, You and your living out your faith in Christ produces an eternal ripple in the lives of so many - starting with your family. I visualize for generations to come, your sons telling their children and their grandchildren of the incredible faith of their mother. How God brought their family through even this fire, and gave them through you the hope that is greater than any illness. You matter, because your life is God's story for so many, and His story in you will produce fruit bearing fruit. I cry for you, but I also celebrate God's great work in you and His glory in you, as through you He is bringing others into His kingdom and building the faith of His children. Your brother in Christ, Ben.
Allyson - i wish you were not going through these circumstances. Words cannot convey how much you have touched my heart, and made me refocus on what is important. What respect and admiration I have for you and your faith.
You matter. I KNOW you do. My heart is broken every day because of your pain and heartache. You are so very loved, and you matter . . . to so many. And to THE ONE that matters most of all.
You and your journey have impacted me so much just in the short time I have been blessed to call you my friend.
Allyson, you matter, you will always matter, and you have always mattered. Although I did not teach you, I remember you as an 8th grader at York. Unlike many teen girls who wear a perpetual frown like a badge of honor, your sweet smile lit up the hallways. Now your eloquent writing allows us to see sunshine through the pain. You and your family are in my prayers.
Dear Allyson,
I have just recently found your blog and I am truly amazed at your faith and grace.I also have ovarian cancer. My last chemo was last April 4th. I can relate to how you're feeling and how you feel like life continues around you while you are siting in a chair without any energy. When we get to heaven we will find out why cancer entered our lives. But until then, I will be praying for you and your sweet family. Ephesians 3:20... "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly more than we can hope or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us." It is an honor to have met you through this blog and you have blessed so many people, including me! Great is thy faithfulness!
Allyson, I started following your blog four years ago when my mother was battling cancer. She has a sister in Houston who suggested that I read your blog to help understand what mom was going through. (at the time you both were losing your hair & Mom also went to MDAnderson) Mom wouldn't express her feelings much. You will never know the people that you have touched and you DO MATTER! I think of you and your family daily and will continue to pray for God to heal and comfort you. This is the day the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Blessings. Pat
You are such an inspiration to so many of us! God has given you such a gift through your writing. Whether now or later, we will all struggle with the idea of our lives on this earth coming to an end, and we can read your words for comfort, support, and encouragement. Your words will live on for a very long time. I'm praying for you and for your family. I'm praying for a big miracle from our Great Physician. Thank you for sharing with us through your writing.
Oh how you matter! Do not trick yourself for one instant into believing you do not. For goodness sakes I don't even know you and you matter so much to me. I check your blog constantly for updates, my family prays for you, you are in my thoughts. Imagine how much more you matter to your own family, to your heavenly Father! I was searching for a particular Bible verse but couldn't find the one I had in mind, but as usual was led to one even more fitting. Know that you, your boys, and your whole family will be in the prayers of so many during this unimaginably difficult time. "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!" Psalm 126:5
You completely matter and most importantly is how much you matter to Him. Thank you so much for sharing your life in your blog. You have moved my heart every time I read your words. While I don't know you personally, I do know grief and I thank you for ministering to me with your words. When I adopted my two daughters, I finally knew Jesus and could accept Him in my heart. I experienced what I never really knew...grace....how God takes the unlovely, the ugly circumstances, the undesirable, the weak and creates beauty like only He can create. It was then that I finally knew God. You still matter dear sister in Christ. You matter greatly while you are on this earth because as long as you submit to Him, he is using you to create beauty like only He can create. And I can tell you, I know the beauty in your words reflects Him. And that has been a thing to behold. Thank you Allyson. My prayer for you is that you will grow deeper in love with Him, with all the painful giving up of self it requires sometimes. I also pray for divine assurance regarding your family and those precious boys. You will be deeply missed but I am confident that God will take that emptiness and do amazing things. I keep my grandmother's picture in my kitchen and my great-grandmother's teapot on my stove. I miss them deeply and think of them everyday. I know I will see them again when it is my turn to leave this world. In the meantime, what they gave me lives with me everyday as I minister to my family. And I know, so it will be with you dear sister, and with your family. You matter now and into to eternity, to our great God, to your family and to your greater family of believers. Much, much love. My prayers visit you often.
YOU matter! I want your words to be put into a book to influence the generations to come! I share you with my classes of 186 high schoolers. You touch and change their lives beyond anything I can see. You are touching their souls, deep thoughts and on what matters. You precious woman ARE changing others through your words to bring them to thought and Jesus! God knew you could handle this!
Praying for you and your cowboys tonight. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Allyson, Your use of the written word to express your thoughts and emotions is an amazing gift to us. I wish I knew how to convey to you how much your words have meant to me. On your darkest days, you are still able to project pure light into the lives of others. Even in your quiet room, wearing your pajamas, you are a powerful force that speaks directly to my heart and to the hearts of many others. I wish I could just grab your hand and hold on. Hold on so you can continue to guide, to show us the way, to lead by example and inspire us to try and be just half the woman of faith that you are. Praying for you and your precious family. Praising God for you and the blessing you have been to me. HOW GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS!
Praying for you and your family. God is good all the time all the time God is good. Trust and obey . I love you. Terri Witt
Allyson, my dad died when I was very young. Our family sacrificed a lot of time (Birthdays, Christmases, etc) without him, as he served in Korea and Vietnam, for the United States Air Force for 22 years. He was my hero and I loved him so much, that when it was time for him to return home from deployments, I would practically make myself sick as I waited for him to get off that plane. But when I did, it was like he never left. We took up where we left off. One thing he always did was write me letters almost every other day. So when he finally retired and began a civilian job, I was so happy. But sadly, he was diagnosed with cancer soon after, and passed away 9 months later. Today he has been gone 38 years. He never saw me graduate. And the hardest probably was my dad, my hero, the first man I ever loved, wasn't there to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Of course he never knew his grandchildren either. But you know what? I talk about him to them all the time. Everyone around me feels like they knew him. My children and now my new grandchildren, here about their Papa George. I have his pictures on my facebook page, and tell my family of all the things that made him the man, father, and soldier he was. And most of all, how much he loved Jesus, and witnessed to as many as he could before he went home. I was sad for a while, but everytime I felt like I was going to forget his voice, or his heart, I gather up his letters, and remember how much he loved me. Just as you have done through this blog and the letters you have written them. Heaven is a real place, where he really lives, and works, and worhsips. And one day, the Lord is going to push back that veil that separates us, and I'm walking through to once again and for the last time, be reunited with my dad to live forevermore with the One who made all of this possible. Today my mom is nearing the end of her life. And soon she will step through also. But I know I will never forget them, or stop missing them. But I will live for Jesus here until it's my turn to go home. Your children will remember also. They will be sad for a while, but then God creates in us children whose parents knew the Lord, a Hope that we can go ahead and live the life that God created for us. Knowing full well, it's not over. We will be back together one day, complete with hugs, kisses, and all of eternity to catch up. No, when we say goodbye here, it's only for a short time. Glory awaits all of us who know Jesus. Praying for all the Grace you need. My heart breaks for your Mommy heart, but I'm so confident that the Lord will guard the hearts and minds of your husband and children, as God did for my Mom and all of us kids. How can anyone go through something like this without Him? Our church and those of us on staff are continually praying for you and your family. When we all get home, I will be looking for you. I want to hug you and let you know how far your testimony reached. In the battle, you've held everyone else's arms up for so long, now rest and let them have the privilege of holding yours.
Love of Christ from one sister to another,
Debbie
A great book that has helped a lot of Christian Hospice Patients is the book, "Appointments with Heaven" by Reggie Anderson. This book was recommended by the authors very best friends, Steven Cutis and Mary Beth Chapman. Pick it up and you won't be able to put it down until you have read the last page. :)
I want you to know you're loved. You inspire thousands and have renewed or created just as many relationships with a God. We can't explain why this has happened to you but just know you are loved. No matter what happens.
Allyson,
Oh, how my heart hurts for you and your family. Please know I have been praying for you and your family and the prayers continue on your behalf. Goliath is so right "cancer sucks"! I lost my own Dad to lung cancer. It is so obvious that you have been an awesome Mom to your boys. So obvious, that you have poured Christ's love into their hearts. In my opinion, there is no greater thing we can teach our children. Goliath most assuredly has been listening, he gets it. Thank you for sharing your heart, being real, and being honest. Praying God's peace, strength, and comfort for you, your husband, and your 3 cowboys.
I don't know you IRL but I follow your blog because you are more inspirational than I can describe. You matter tremendously and I think about you often. Thank you for being honest in your posts and your impact is much wider than you may realize.
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