Friday, February 7, 2014

The Day I Told Them the Truth

Dear Cowboys,

I feel like although I desperately want to forget it ever happened, I need to commemorate in a small way the Day I Told You The Truth.  One minute, we were a regular family of five playing a board game.  The next minute, we were a group of broken-hearted people.  The game lay forgotten for hours, until I pulled myself together enough to clean it up.  I don't think we'll be pulling it out to play for quite a while.

There is really  no good way to break terrible  news to the people you love the most.  I struggled for days with what to say to you, and all I could really think was, "This is so unfair.  This is so unfair."  Every interaction with you became all the more precious, because I knew that you were walking around in a bubble, of sorts.  A bubble where your little world was intact and safe...a bubble that I was going to burst.

And burst it I did!  I'm so sorry, heart boys.  I'm so very sorry that we live in a world that is not fair.  I'm so sorry that after all this time and effort, I haven't been able to beat this thing.  I'm sorry that I can't stay with you.  I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you.

I will never forget your blank looks.  I was telling you the awful truth, but doing my best to avoid using scary words.  I don't know if you really did not understand, or if you just didn't want to know.  Whatever it was, I knew I had to be straightforward.  So I started saying things like "not much longer," "dying," and "not going to get well."  It felt like plunging into a freezing cold body of water.  I couldn't seem to get enough air, and there was no way to go back and undo the huge jump I had taken.

Oh, loves.  Your sweet faces were almost too much.  I wanted to reach out and touch you...hug you...comfort you, but there was no room for that.  The closer I moved to you, the farther you moved away from me.  It was almost as if my physical presence was too much for you  One of you moved to Daddy's lap.  One of you continued to stare at me, as if you didn't even know me.  One of you got up and simply walked out of the house.  I expected different reactions from each of you, as God made you so wonderfully different.  I was not prepared for such dramatic responses.

In a weird way, I was touched.  Your strong reactions definitely showed me that you love me.  The news I was delivering was not easy, and you demonstrated that you were hurting.  I a m crazy-thankful for the intense feelings you have for your mama, because they mean that I matter.  The Monster has had a way of making me feel inferior in the worst ways, but you three never fail to bring out my best.

I guess that's the key.  There is no doubt that I was created for this.  There are lots of other things I do, people I know, places I go, identities I have in this life.  But all of them pale in comparison to being your mom.  There is nothing else I want to do.  Being your mom makes me a better person.

We will make it through this, my sons.  I hate--HATE!!!--that you are suffering because of me.  Because of my sickness.  Not a single days goes by that I don't pray for physical healing so you can have the mom you deserve to have.  Not one night do I fall asleep before I've begged God to guard your hearts and pave your ways.  Not one.

As hard as it is to understand (I don't fully understand it myself), I want you to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is good.  I do not believe that God caused my cancer, but he did allow it.  He is still good, and He loves you even more than I do.  Cling to that truth with all that you have, babies.  I am.

And let's hold on to one another.  Whatever time I have left to be with you, I want to be meaningful time.  I want to soak up every delicious minute of laughing with (and at) you.  I want to create beautiful memories for you, even if we have to hurry up and squeeze all of those memories into a short time period.  Let's do it.  Let's live big and love bigger.  I already love you all so much. 

With my whole heart,

Mom


30 comments:

Liz said...

Oh Allyson. My heart breaks. As moms we want to love our babies through the toughest heartaches of life, but sometimes we have to let God to the hard work for us. It violates everything in us as mamas to let go & allow someone else (even God) to handle what we feel like should be our job. So, so, so, so hard. <3 you sister!

Megan said...

I have no idea how I stumbled upon your blog, but I guess I did about 2 months ago. You are one of the 3 tabs I have up on my mini iPad, so I check in regularly to see how you are doing. I dont think i have ever posted a comment on a blog - ever. I myself am a 40 year old mom of 4 kids. I have No Idea what you are going through. I am praying hard for you and your boys. You seem so brave to me. It seems like you have a strong understanding and confidence when it comes to your faith. I don't know what I would do if I were I your shoes. You are so precious. I hope you get to enjoy every second you have with those sweet boys. I know in my heart you will feel at peace. Take care and I will continue to pray and check in on you.

Lori said...

There are no words. I am a writer and I have no words for this. Oh, how my heart ACHES for you and your precious family!! I join you in praying for a HUGE miracle because I KNOW, whatever the outcome God will be glorified --and I KNOW that is what you want! I am a stranger up here in Maine...but am sending you hugs--and my heartfelt prayers. I will keep reading and praying for miracles!

misty said...

Love u so much..ur words hurt so bad to read but I pray everyday for you and ur amazing family. Its getting hard to.see your mom at church and not give her a hug and cry...im a big cry baby. Please know u are forever amazing and special and ur son are so lucky to call you mom.

misty said...

Love u so much..ur words hurt so bad to read but I pray everyday for you and ur amazing family. Its getting hard to.see your mom at church and not give her a hug and cry...im a big cry baby. Please know u are forever amazing and special and ur son are so lucky to call you mom.

Kelly said...

I also have stumbled recently on your blog and my heart is breaking for you and your wonderful family. I have never written on a blog before, but Allyson, honey, you have touched my heart and soul. You have such a strength and fierceness in you when it comes to your babies. You are an amazing mother. I pray often that you be blessed with healing and more time with your family. Those babies need their mama. I wish i could do more. Just know that this gramma fro Georgia is thinking of you and praying for you daily! Stay strong sweet girl!

The Horton Family said...

Oh Al. Nothing I can say.

Anonymous said...

I am SO sorry!! I can't imagine what ALL you've been through, I am a Christian who believes in Power of Prayer - so I AM Praying, in Ark, I AM praying that thru it ALL , God will be glorified! Praying for a Miracle! Praying for your cowboys!
Prayers and love in Christ,
Karen

Anonymous said...

These boys will be strong, dedicated men of God. And when they tell their story when they are adults, it will be you that has the softest place in their heart, it will be you that set their foundation and showed them what real faith looks like, and what the tenderest but fiercest of love looks like. And while not for long enough, the intensity of your love will last. It will be enough. It will be enough. Because God is indeed sovereign. Even in this. I continue to pray, even and especially, this far down the road that God will knock everyone's socks off and show His miraculous power!! Please Lord, let it be! Miracle or not, our hope is in You.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you personally, but have been reading your story. Not knowing you doesn't matter cause we are all brothers and sisters in Christ and will all be together in Heaven one day. I will pray for you and your precious family. God's grace will be sufficient to see you all through.

Anonymous said...

I am in awe of the precious, heart wrenching, loving way you shared what the evil one has done to your lives. I thank God for the way that though you didn't give them the gory details of the situation, you did share a very HARD truth with them. One that was said, you allowed them to process this truth in their own way. I bless you my unknown friend and sister Christian for allowing God to love those babies right now and then when they are ready, they will come to you for that love and reassurance that it truly will be OK....not what we would want to happen but what we trust God to take you and your awesome family through during this distressing time. LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH and make precious memories for as long as our God gives you breath. I pray for peace for you all but especially for your babies. Prayers going up from Marion, Ohio. God bless you!

Anonymous said...

May God bless you with laughter, peace, wisdom and grace as you love with His love fully and completely. You very preciously model to all of us that each moment we have here on Earth is a gift, for we do not know what tomorrow hold. Thank you for living transparently and openly. As the weeks, months and years pass I will pray for your family. ~ Your sister in Christ.

Laura said...

Praying for a miracle for you and your family. You so deserve one. God Bless!

Jan said...

I pray for all of you daily. I am so sorry you and your family are suffering through this. You are so loved and not a day goes by that I think of you and the boys and your husband. I wish I had the right thing to say to you and I know you have heard it all and the words just don't take the pain and suffering away from this horrible illness you are suffering. I will continue to pray for all of you and just know I love you. Sending all my love and big hugs your way.

Love, Jan Rogers

simplystacy said...

I wanted to leave you an encouraging note full of scriptures and hope. But I could barely type through the tears. I am so sorry! I'm so sorry this world brings sickness, sadness, and words like "final" and "death." May God multiply the precious times you have left with your boys. May they remember you for your strength and boldness. And may they never forget you as a woman of God who loved them more than words.

Katrice Lowe said...

Allyson, I have been blessed by your blog through a mutual friend, Sandra H. I read your entries as often as you post them and I must let you know while you are strengthening your boys, you are also doing so for countless people all over...encouraging more than you could ever fathom. Allyson, your beautiful fighting spirit shines through your every word. Fight is clearly in your DNA. A season of grief we all shall face, but a lifetime of peace is what He provides. I read your words, feel your strength, get inspired by the depth of your love and I stand in awe of His works in you. "As I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your name...You give and You take away, You give and You take away. Still my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name." That songs comes to mind each time I think of you. Continued prayers and blessings to you and yours.

Anonymous said...

I'm so Sorry!
Sending hugs & prayers to you!!
Nanette Foster

Anonymous said...

It breaks my heart that you had to have such a conversation with your sons. Really breaks my heart. I know that you will live on in your sons' hearts and lives forever. You have been such an incredible gift to them. And that is such a blessing, in this day and age. You and your family are in my prayers.

Laura Shook said...

A friend sent me to you blog and asked me to pray for you and your family. I am praying for a miracle, and for God's goodness to continue to shine in and through you. God bless you!
Laura Shook
www.laurashook.com

Timina said...

Dear Allison,
A dear friend of mine passed your name to me to help lift you in prayer. She knows a friend of your from church... Abby. Anyway... I know that God works within us and in the best of ways. I feel like God has put your name in front of me for a reason. I have 3 little boys just like you, an incredible husband with a passion for people and an intense passion for Christ. I see myself in your blog and maybe that's the connection... whatever it is, I just want to tell you about a doctor in Rowlett that is doing incredible things to offer people more time... and sometimes even more. His name is Dr. Hammon - you can find some information on him at www.atmctx.com. He's doing things that other doctors aren't doing in the United States, yet. My husband is a chiropractor and works closely with him and has seen incredible outcomes from some insanely tragic situations...
I certainly wouldn't want to stir up any kind of upset in you... more than you already have. But I just have you on my heart and have been praying God's healing, comfort and peace to be with you since my friend shared your story. I dont have your email... so I just decided to write a post. I hope you will look into Dr. Hammon and if our family can help you in any way... we most certainly will. I pray your strength continues and that miracles lay upon you. Your faith is remarkable..

I'll be praying for you... Timina

Katy Rosell said...

I found this through a friend that asked for prayers for you. I hope beyond all else you will beat the odds and have your miracle! I also wanted to share how the worst loss in my life is directly connected to the greatest joys in my life! I lost my mother when I was 16 and as if that wasn't enough I got moved half way across the country to live with my abusive father and stepmother in Kansas. At the same time my eventual husband was talked into moving across the state of Kansas with his best friend. The friend backed out and he still decided to move to the same town I was in. 6 months later we met and after I finished college we got married and had our two wonderful kids. They say when god closes a door, he opens a window. The day my mother died I couldn't imagine what window could open. Now I know she was needed there to help open that window. The best possible outcome is you beat this, but I hope my story of how God worked in my life will help you find comfort.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you and your family. I have been following your blog for a while and have never left a comment. I am fighting this ugly beast as well and have three young sons. You and your family will always be in my thoughts and prayers. Keep fighting!

Rebecca said...

Praying big prayers over you all... As a fellow mom, my heart breaks and the tears come quickly... Such a tough road. As Mary Beth Chapman told her son after he accidentally ran into her and killed her with his car, "God has entrusted you with a great pain". And who knows why except for Him, but one day we will see Him face to face and He will wipe every tear from our eyes. God bless your precious family.

Rebecca said...

Typo... Mary Beth chapman's son accidentally hit and killed his sister with his car

Laurie said...

I was looking up extra material for a Bible study last night ( Ever After) and saw that the author posted a link to your blog and asked us to pray. I read your latest entry, and then another, and another, and before I knew it was going back to the beginning and reading the whole darn thing... with tears, and prayers. You are SOOOOO inspiring, and obviously only the Lord can sustain you and cause you to be so thankful and wise even during such trials. It also hits home because a good friend named Krystin is in almost your exact same situation.. except... she does NOT know Jesus. I cannot even imagine. Please pray for her. and know you are being prayed for!!!

Sally Broskay said...

You are loved and your family is so precious, I wanted to fill the page with Scripture, but The Whole Book is what I would have had to type! I am sure you know what LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, FAITHFULNESS, GOODNESS, KINDNESS, GENTLENESS and SELF-CONTROL are. Truly you are humble in Spirit and the Lord is NOT finished with you. Praying that the fruit of the Spirit of God will live on in your 4 men, yes all of them are men! They have all gone through what many of us will never go through in life. Indeed, you are an inspiration to the household of faith!! I pray that our GRACIOUS Lord will heal your body! But OH how we can see that HE has made your spirit perfect in Christ Jesus! I am sure your family will never be ready for you to go home (Heaven) but I believe there will be much rejoicing one day when we all get to Heaven!! What a day of rejoicing that will be. But, OH how hard it is this side of heaven, waiting!!!!

Galatians 6:18 May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit!

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