Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Letter to my Mom

Dear Mom,

It's been quiet around here this morning. After breakfast, Baby asked me, "Mommy, when will Nana be here?" He had forgotten that you are headed back to Houston today, and he was very disappointed that he will have to wait to show you his newest Super Mario tricks!

How can I say "thank you" to you for the last few weeks? On the day we got the diagnosis, the only thing I knew to do was to call you. You and Daddy have always been my safety, my place to go when the real world is just too much. Now, as a grown woman with a cancer diagnosis, that remains unchanged. You are still my safe place, my harbor...and you've become that for my sweet husband, too.

You've said over and over how much you wish you could change things for me, or take it on for yourself to spare me the pain of the disease. We both know that it can't be transferred or altered, but I absolutely believe that you would put your very life on the line if it meant saving--or even bettering--mine. I can understand that kind of love, because I love your grandsons in the same way.

What I don't understand (yet), is how somewhere along the way you changed from being just my mom to being one of my very best friends. Aside from Hubby, you are the one I wanted to be with when my world started caving in. You are the one I can cry to and share my sorrow with. You are the one who I trust 100% to be with my 3 cowboy-treasures, even when they ask hard questions or are less than easy to deal with. You are the one who presses on in preparing us for the dreaded side effects of chemotherapy, even though I know it must be breaking your heart. You are the one who searches my big red Bible carefully, looking for just the right Scripture to salve my hurting heart. What a lifelong privilege it has been to be your daughter...what an honor these last few weeks to have you stand next to me as my friend!

I think that, back in 1975, you and Daddy probably didn't give much thought to the possibility that the road you would walk with me would take us to the threshold of the shadow of the valley of death. I like to think that your dreams for me were full of visions of pigtails, slumber parties, roller skates, and boy crushes. You wanted happily ever after for me. I wish so much that our lives remained untouched by cancer! I wish so much that I could spare you and Dad, and Hubby and the boys the pain of sharing my suffering. But I want you to know that if I must walk this road, I am proud and grateful to have you walk beside me.

So, thank you. Thank you for getting to me as quickly as you could. Thank you for dropping everything and leaving your own life at a standstill so you could be part of mine. Thank you for loving my husband as if he was your own son, and investing so much of yourself into your grandsons. Thank you for sitting for hours at a time at the hospital and sleeping on that teeny tiny couch, just because that's where I was. Thank you for washing clothes, making beds, preparing school lunches, and driving kids to wherever they needed to be. Thank you for making me laugh at things that only the two of us would think are funny. Thank you for fielding phone calls and being so kind and gracious to so many people. Thank you for praying for me and for loving me.

There are many more dark and difficult days yet to come. I hate that SO much! But somehow, in my heart of hearts, I know that it will be OK because my God and my family are going with me where I am afraid to go. This may not be what any of us would have chosen for our family, but I count myself beyond blessed to make this journey with you.

We are already looking forward to the next trip so you can impress us with your Wii-playing-trampoline-jumping-laundry-sorting-
plan-making-care-taking-love-giving self. Your place in my home and in my heart is secure and overflowing with love. May it be well with your soul as we continue to taste and see that He alone is good. I am so glad He chose you to be my mom!

I love you,


Jennifer said...

Such a beautiful letter to your mom. I'm praying for you and your famiy and that you find great comfort in God's sovereignty.

(By the way, I found your blog through the "Letters to God" facebook page).

Amanda said...

Dear Allyson, Thanks for making me cry! Wow...wasn't expecting that when I sat down with the computer. How beautiful. Thank you for sharing with us!!!

Stephanie Click said...

Oh Allyson ... what a treasure for your mom. I'm not sure who is luckier - you or her. We love you!

Pat said...

I am so grateful God let me be your mom. You and Phil and Jenny are my joy-bringing gifts of grace treasured with every cell of my being. I love you.

Pat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Allyson, you are very much in my thoughts and prayers, take each moment as they come, one at a time. God Bless, Rebecca (Coffee)

Bobbi Jo said...

My heart is broken. I'm crying like a baby. It the midst of my crazy busy life, too busy to hardly check email or blogs, I discovered today through a prayer request and now your blog, that my sweet friend is hurting. I know I don't have the right words to say, but oh how I wish I could hug your neck. I truly can't stop crying. You have always been an inspiration to me and you continue to be. Your love for our Lord is amazing and so genuine! Please know that I will be on bended knee for you and your family from this day forward. I love you friend! Keep that chin up, God has BIG plans for you!