Family Photo Shoot

Me and all my guys.

Brothers! This is my favorite picture of the three of them EVER.

I'm proud of the house we've built.

Goliath, age 10

Little Middle, age 7

Baby, age 6

*Credit for making the five of us look better than what we are goes to my friend PandaMom. Her talent and creativity gave me these treasures!*

Barbara

Almost thirty years ago, my parents moved our (then) family of four to Oak Ridge, a little suburb just north of Houston. The doors on the moving van had barely shut when we set out on the hunt for a new church home. We found that home at Oak Ridge Baptist Church--back then, it was known as "that big white church by the freeway." We hadn't been there very long when our family first got to know, and then to love, the Wolfe family.

Joe and Barbara and their sons Jody and Jamie were a typical American family in a lot of ways. Joe was a CPA who looked for any excuse to go fishing, Barbara taught school and took care of her family. They were atypical in a few ways, too. Joe suffered from polio as a child, and the effects of that followed him into adulthood, making it more and more difficult to walk. Jamie had muscular dystrophy. As the years went by, the muscles in his body atrophied until finally he was wheelchair-bound.

You might think that life dealt this precious family a particularly unfair hand. Not one of them would have agreed with you. The love they had for each other and for God was unwavering. They approached life with enthusiasm and lots of laughter. Their faith got them through the darker days, and they made sure that God got full credit and glory in all things, good or bad. I watched them carefully through the years, especially Barbara. I couldn't have known then that I, too, would be the only girl in a house full of boys. She poured everything she had into her family and her church. I know she worked harder than I can even imagine, but no one that I know ever once heard her complain.

I grew up and moved away from my family and my church. My parents moved to the other side of Houston just a few months later. It's hard to keep in touch with people you don't see often, but we loved those Christmas letters Barb and Joe sent out! They were just as funny as being with them in person. I finished school, got married, and Hubby and I started our life together. As a young wife, Barb often came to mind as a role model for the kind of wife I wanted to be for my husband. The thought of her always made me smile.

Then tragedy struck for our friend. In just a few years' time, Barbara lost her husband and both of her sons. Three lives...three loves...three funerals. Then, the unthinkable. She was diagnosed with breast cancer, and later, ovarian cancer. Cancer seemed to those of us on the outside to be the greatest injustice, just adding insult to injury for someone who deserved it the least.

Barb fought hard. She endured multiple chemotherapy protocols. She lost her hair, grew it back, and lost it again. She continued to teach a women's Sunday School class. She continued to encourage and uplift other people, even though her suffering must have been great. I know she did, because one of those people was me.

Barbara's last scan showed tumors growing all over her body. She moved in with her parents, and was placed under hospice care within weeks. On Valentine's Day, God showed mercy and called her home. I wish I could have caught just a glimpse of her three able-bodied boys running to meet her! What a perfect day for a perfect homecoming!

The last time I saw Barbara was at my brother's wedding in September. She sat in an aisle seat during the ceremony, and several of their wedding pictures have her in the background, smiling like witnessing Phil and Chelsea's love and vows was the best thing that had ever happened to her. She gave me a big hug that day and reminded me to keep on fighting the good fight. She told me that even cancer was no match for the power that I have through Christ. Cancer took Barb's earthly life, but whatever she is experiencing now is nothing to be mourned. Indeed, He has turned her mourning into dancing!

The summer that I was about the same age that my Goliath is now, Barbara was my VBS teacher. During that week of VBS, she challenged us to memorize Psalm 100. I met that challenge, and all these years later, that Scripture passage is still hidden deep in my heart.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

Worship the Lord with gladness;

come before Him with joyful songs.

Know that the Lord is God.

It is He who has made us, and we are his.

We are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Enter into his gates with thanksgiving

and into his courts with praise;

give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;

his faithfulness continues through all generations.

That, my friends, is quite a legacy. To be not just a teacher, but a doer of the Word...to make lifelong impacts on people...to believe He is good even when it doesn't seem like it, and to proclaim His faithfulness to anyone who will listen...that is who Barbara was. And it's who I long to be.

Well done, good and faithful servant. Well done.

Allyson, Phil, and Barbara--August 2010

Baby Scone

Dear Baby Scone,

Before I say anything else, I want to say that I love you. The news of your existence brought great joy to our family! Knowing you were on your way to be with us was like the first pretty day after a long, cold winter. I loved you from the minute I found out about you.

Last week when your mommy and daddy went to the doctor to check on you, your heart had stopped beating.

And just like that, our breath of fresh air vanished and we were thrust back into what feels like a never-ending winter.

Your mommy and daddy are devastated. They had been so thrilled about you! Your daddy had a LOT of work to do to get your room cleared out, but he was over the moon about you. Your mommy is one of the most laid back, even-keeled people I know, but she was giddy about you. She and I had already been shopping for you, planning how to decorate your room. We took hours walking through Babies R Us, deciding which "paraphernalia" was good enough for you and which looked silly. You would have had the best of everything.

And that's the thing that gets me, Baby Scone. We already adored you. You would have been loved and taken care of no matter what. So I don't understand why you can't BE.

Because I love you and I love your mommy so much, I went to be with her. Nana and Poppy came, too. We all went back to the doctor with her, and we left there with broken hearts and a sonogram picture. That black and white picture is all we have left of you, but I know it will be one of your mommy's greatest treasures. It shows you, fearfully and wonderfully made. I could clearly see your two little legs and two little arms. One arm was sticking up and out--would you have been a fighter? Oh, and your head. Your head was gigantic, just like your auntie's. I'm sorry about that.

It was a cold, raw day--just perfect for how we felt. Your mommy, your Nana, and I sat on the sofa in our pajamas, watching the wind howling outside. Your mommy cried, and we cried with her. Because that is all that we can do. We can't get you back, we can't fix it, we can't understand. So we grieve.

I want you to know that the adults aren't the only ones who adore you. Your cowboy cousins had big plans for you. They were unanimous in their decision that you should be a boy (they don't understand that it wasn't really up to them!), and that they would teach you everything you need to know about boy stuff. They had great ideas about hunting and fishing trips that they would take with you. They also thought you might enjoy coming to our house with your daddy and all of you could go to Monster Jam. I was not invited because I am a girl.

If the boy thing didn't work out, however, the three of them agreed that they could deal with a girl cousin. The contingency plan was that you could still come visit and we would all bake and decorate cookies together. Then they would play Wii and you could go shopping with your mommy and me. Specifically, we would go to Target. They are crazy--and they would have been crazy about you.

I have not told them yet that we no longer have you. I guess I'm a little afraid...because how can I explain to my sons something that I can't understand myself?

Your mommy and daddy are great people. They really love each other. They like to have fun together and they laugh a lot. Before there was you, all of their extra affections were heaped on their dogs, Lucy and Moose. Your mommy is SO pretty, and your daddy's not bad, either (especially his hair, which he protects with a fierceness that leaves him wide open to mockery). You would have been a beautiful baby. Your parents are also food snobs. Your dad looks down on regular cheddar cheese with disdain, always opting instead for the weirdest, hard-to-pronounce blocks of cheese in the deli. This is why you are called Scone. It would never do for your mommy to have a plain old bun in the oven.

Most importantly, your mommy and daddy love Jesus. They would have taken you to church. They would have talked to you about Jesus and taught you that He loves you. They would have prayed for you, and as you got older, they would have taught you what it means to be a person of faith and to walk with Christ, just like they do. They believe that God made you and gave you life, and that your little heart was in His hands. All of us who love you are heartbroken and desperately trying to come up with some plausible reason for the loss of wonderful, perfect you.

I love you, Baby Scone. You will always be a part of our family. You can not be replaced or forgotten. I believe that I will see you in heaven. And when I get there, let's bake some cookies together, OK?

Love,

Aunt Allyson


"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21

Wordless Wednesday

Pumpkins, Pajamas, Hunting, and Haunting

We wrapped up October in typical H family style: slightly chaotic and lots of fun!

The obligatory pumpkin patch picture.

The three cowboys were much happier standing in line for the hay ride with their friends.

I was blessed by some sweet friends with a surprise front porch makeover, complete with pumpkins and hand-painted sign. How I love those girls!

Every year, our preschool has Pajama Day at the end of October. In my humble, comfortable opinion, it is the best day of the year!

Mommy and Baby at Pajama Day.

Baby and Joe the Bear had matching Batman pjs!

Shannon (aka World's Greatest Co-Teacher) and me in our matching jammies.

Our monkey socks were super cute, don't you think?

The Strawberry teachers and our across-the-hall neighbors, Ms. Gloria and Ms. Renee.

Baby and Bransyn with their Frog teachers, Ms. Maureen and Ms. Michelle (plus Kendall).

Goliath got to participate in Youth Hunting weekend this year. He went out to the lease with his Papa, completely confident that he would be able to get a great buck within 2 days. I needn't have worried, because it took him less than 4 hours.

I'm not a hunter, but I sure am proud of him!

Goliath made it home from his hunting trip in just enough time to get dressed up for Halloween!

Little Middle/Iron Man and Baby/Darth Vader

Baby/Darth Vader, Goliath/Super Mario, and Little Middle/Iron Man on the way to trick-or-treat. I'm sure they really were smiling under those masks and mustache!

Trick-or-treating is more fun with friends!

My Baby isn't scared of anything.

Right after he grabbed a handful of candy, the real live person in the casket tried to grab him!

The loot, after careful negotiations and re-distribution.

Wordless Wednesday

I Want to Say...

I wrote a new post earlier today while I was in the chemo room. I went back and read it, and realized it did not make a bit of sense. Crazy drugs and crazy people will do that to you. The crazies will also crush your ability to put together coherent thoughts, stand up straight for any length of time, or tolerate any noise/chaos/changes without wanting to pull your hair out (if you had any to pull).

I have a lot to say, but I don't feel like I am able to get it down well enough or fast enough to justify telling it. Would you put up with one more bullet point list? Thanks. I want to say:

*That maintenance chemo is harder than regular "big" chemo in a lot of ways. At the top of the list: Going every single week. Thursday used to be my favorite day of the week, and now it is my least favorite. Even The Office can't make Thursdays OK for me anymore.

*After suffering debilitating leg pain, days-long headaches, and extreme fatigue, I spoke up and told Nurse Stephani that maintenance chemo was not at all like "drinking water," as I was told it would be. She agreed that something is amiss in the way my body is responding to the treatment; I have an appointment scheduled with Dr. M on October 18th to discuss what could possibly be wrong and what we should do to fix it.

*I talked with each of my boys and now have their blessing to walk around the house with my head uncovered. Goliath told me that I "look like Uncle Phil, only a girl" with my "new" hair growing in.

*Gus the dog is able to get into more trouble now that he's tall enough to reach more stuff. His cousin Moose refers to him as "that giant puppy."

*I really want to take the boys to the state fair, but I don't know if we can make that happen this year.

*I like to mark in my books when I read. I just finished a book that is so marked up, I don't know if it will even be helpful when I go back to look for something specific. This book tore me up in a good way, and it took me forever to read it because I kept having to stop and absorb the information and apply it to my situation. It is entitled to its own post later on.

*We are being blessed by friends bringing dinner to our house twice a week while I am doing maintenance chemo. A lot of those friends don't seem to think that their gift of food is adequate. Hear me loud and clear, you cooking pals 'o mine: There are days (like today!) when your aluminum dishes full of warm goodness make me stand in the kitchen and cry tears of gratitude. You are doing for my family what I can not do, and that is HUGE to me.

*Earlier this week, city workers came out to repair the sidewalk in front of our house. Baby and I went out and sat on the grass and watched the workers mix, pour, and smooth concrete for the new sidewalk. Little boys love big trucks, and he was a terrific mix of wonder and questions. I love that littlest man, and I loved making that memory with him. He reminds me why I must press on and keep giving everything I have.

*The Neulasta injection I receive every month costs $4,150.00. For ONE SHOT. Let that sink in.

*Insurance is so necessary, but is also such a pain in the rear.

*I love my job. I appreciate it even more now for the sense of normalcy it brings to my life.

*I still have two kids who need Halloween costumes.

*It is hard for me to answer when people ask me "How are you feeling?". I want to be honest, but I don't want to sound like I'm complaining.

*I really wish my sister and brother lived close to me, but I'm thankful for my very cool brother-in-law who does.

*My family is getting used to Hubby being at work all day. We are all adjusting to the new schedule, and we all really like it (especially the part where he comes home)!

*I've had a few lay-it-all-on-the-table talks with God lately. I've been very honest in telling Him that I am weary, and I just don't think I have what it takes to keep on going. I cry. I whine. I beg for Him to make it all go away. He tells me that He is nearby (Psalm 14:17), that I am safe (Psalm 91:1-2), that He has good plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11), and that there should still be joy in the midst of my troubles (James 1:2-3).

*A couple of friends put on a Pampered Chef show a few weeks ago from which all proceeds were to be donated to Team Allyson. I don't know what kind of funds a typical show nets, but it seems like everyone I know bought something! I am so grateful, and so humbled. Thank you, friends.

Phillip's Wedding

The second sibling wedding is done! The Brother and his Other got hitched this past Saturday in a beautiful ceremony in our childhood church. Phil was so handsome, and Chelsea was the picture of style and grace.

Mama and her cowboys at the rehearsal

Once upon a time this amazing man was an annoying little boy who shoved me into a thorn bush and tried to convince me I was adopted.

Hubby helping Goliath with his tie. Handsome men!

Goliath and Little Middle walked my grandmothers down the aisle; Baby was the ring bearer.

I love these guys with all my heart.

Phil and his sisters--ready to walk down the aisle.

The happy couple!

Confidential to Phil: All of us who love you have longed for and pleaded with God for the happiness you showed on Saturday. Your joy fills my heart to overflowing. I will never, ever forget the look on your face and the tears in your eyes as I walked down the aisle toward you while you waited for your bride. I mouthed "I love you" to you, and I know you understood that there was nothing that would have kept me from sharing that moment with you. You have stretched my heart in a way that no one else can: Thank you for teaching me about faith, grace, prayer, and humility. My little brother has grown up to be a godly man; I am so proud of who you are and what you do. I will continue to pray for you and Chelsea as you begin your life together. May your home and your hearts be always joyful...you deserve nothing less. I love you so much!

Bits and Pieces

~I have had a great coffee week! First this...

and then I discovered this:

YUM.

~The calendar says we are just days away from the official start of fall, but you wouldn't know it if you came to Dallas. Any day that has a heat index of less than 100 degrees is a good day. Come on, autumn!

~Fall may not quite be in the air yet, but change certainly is. My Hubby took a leap of faith and a good opportunity and began a new job this past week. He resigned from his position of five years and went to work for a Fortune 300 company that specializes in metal products as a senior network engineer. The biggest change? He is going to an office every day as a regular 8-to-5er. The best part is that the new job requires only about 10% travel...significantly less than what he has been doing. I am so proud of him, and so very thankful for God's provision.

~This is my bye week for chemotherapy. I was very much looking forward to a "normal" week with nothing medical going on, but it was not to be. The instant I woke up on Tuesday I knew that something wasn't right. I was dizzy and lightheaded, and my heart was beating fast and hard. My amazing friends stepped up to help with the boys, and I laid low most of the day. When it wasn't better on Wednesday, my chemo nurse helped me make an appointment with a general practitioner that Dr. M trusts. Turns out that what I was experiencing were anxiety attacks. Although I don't necessarily feel anxious (or any more so than usual), the GP explained it like this: You can only stretch a rubber band so far, or put so much tension on it before it snaps. Thanks to cancer and chemo, my body can't handle life as well as it used to. The anxiety attacks are my body's way of saying, "Whoa--this is too much!" I am trying to listen and take it easy, and with the help of a new medication, I have felt better the last few days. Still, I am a little bitter that there is another medical thing to worry about. Sigh.

~I keep finding the little cowboys perched here:

and Gus hanging out here:

~Two dear friends had to say goodbye to their beloved pets this week. My heart aches for them in their losses, and I have snuggled my Abby dog just a little tighter in the last few days.

~Baby and I baked chocolate chip cookies together as an after-school treat for his brothers. As we put them in the oven, he said to me, "Mommy, this has been a good cookie experience."

~One of the most bothersome side effects of my chemo is peripheral neuropathy. I have it in my feet, and I want it to GO AWAY.

~I bought razors this week for the first time in six months. It has become necessary to shave my legs every few days.

~My brother is getting married this afternoon. There will be a whole other post about that later, but for now...I see his joy and it fills my heart.

~My family drank 4 1/2 gallons of milk last week. I think it would be cheaper and more efficient for us to have a cow in our backyard.

~I have really, really amazing and caring friends.

~My sister was in a car accident this week. She was hit by an ice cream truck. She is completely fine, but her husband's Mercedes Benz is definitely NOT. I'm not a bad sister, but I giggle every time I think about that ice cream truck. And they didn't even offer her a fudgesicle!

Gus and Other Goings On

My Hubby is an outdoorsman. He hunts, he fishes, he sets up feeders, cameras, and deer blinds. Every good hunter needs a hunting buddy.

This is Gus. He is cute as could be, with his white fur and dark patch around his eye. He sort of resembles the Target dog! In this picture he looks deceptively calm and peaceful, doesn't he? In real life, though, he is anything but calm. He lives in the backyard most of the time--because he's an outdoor dog. But even an outdoor hunting dog must start out as a puppy. That means running, chewing, and general destruction of everything in his path. This is what we woke up to one morning last week:

No, it didn't snow in our backyard. Gus must have decided he didn't like our outdoor decor, so he removed the cushions from our bench swing and shredded them. WITH HIS TEETH.

This is what I will be sitting on from now on while I watch the boys jump on the trampoline. Aaarrrggghhh!

In other family canine news...meet Uno. He is Abby's cousin, the dog-child of my brother. Phil rescued him from a shelter almost 12 years ago, after he had been abused and lost vision in one of his eyes. Hence his name, Uno. He also answers to "Richard."

I got to fly to Houston this past weekend to attend 2 wedding showers for The Brother and his Other. I saw a lot of people who love me, but no one was happier to see me than this furry guy.

This is my little (but much taller) brother with his two sisters. His wedding is fast approaching--we are so thankful for his beloved and their joy.

These are the ladies I used to refer to as "Mom's friends," but now I don't feel like they are just hers--they are ours. These women have managed to make real love and friendship stretch between Houston and Dallas in ways that are both creative and beautiful. They have comforted my amazing mother when she needed them most and cradled her hurting heart in such a tender way, often standing in the gap for me and giving her what she needed when I couldn't. They are funny--good grief, are they funny!!!--and fun to be with. I adore this picture of the six of us, and I hope it ends up on some people's desks in the Children's Ministry office soon!

I also had the opportunity while I was in Houston to attend my parents' church on Sunday morning. I didn't actually go to the service, though--I spent three hours walking the halls of the children's building, putting faces with names of people who have been such a blessing to me over these last months. I was so excited to hug (and be hugged by) countless people who recognized me and wanted to tell me how they have been following my story and praying for me. Houston friends, the pleasure was all mine. Thank you so much for who you are and how you've ministered to us. It was such fun getting to visit you!

Many friends have asked me how I am feeling since beginning maintenance chemo last week. Here's the answer: I am better than I was, but not as good as I want to be. I am not lying in a dark room, nor am I feeling fantastic. The chemo makes me feel fatigued and gives me muscle aches, especially in my legs. Those symptoms seem to fade within a couple of days, so hopefully it will be the case this week as well.

I went to my second session today. Let's just say that when the pouring rain this morning meant that I had to sit through the painfully slow car line to drop the boys off at school (but don't get me wrong--we need the rain and I am thankful!), and then when my car wouldn't start after dropping Baby at a friend's house, I should have known it might not be the best day I ever had. Yep--far from it. The chemo room was full of true characters. I don't want to be friends with those women, especially not the one who has been going to chemo for three years and who doesn't mind telling anyone and everyone that her toenails are falling off. Ewww. Today I took my ear buds, but forgot my iPod at home. No matter--I just plugged it into my computer and listened to nothing, hoping they would take the hint and leave me alone. My Facebook status today simply reads "Ugh."

It's been a long day, so I am off to pop some pills and enjoy an early bedtime. I have a few more tidbits to share, but they can wait until the weekend. Stay tuned...

NCBE: Around Here...

**Credit and kudos to PandaMom for putting this meme out on the interweb for me to steal!**

Outside my window...the sun is setting on a beautiful day! It was cloudy all day long, and we enjoyed a few random showers. The best part, though, was the temperature: a full 25 degrees cooler than it was earlier this week. 80 degrees was a welcome respite from the oven that is August in Texas!

I am thinking...that I will be really sad at this time next year when I send Baby to kindergarten. I have welcomed the start of school with open arms this week, but I still miss the big boys and it is comforting to have my little guy with me. What will I do without him?!?

I am thankful for...my mom, who is willing to sacrifice so much just because she loves being my mom.

From the kitchen...I created lemon chicken with asparagus for dinner with blueberry pie for dessert.

I am wearing...brown cargo pants and a blue t-shirt with matching flip flops, and my Team Allyson bracelet.

I am creating...a blog post for tomorrow in my head.

I am going...to start working on lesson plans for my preschool class soon.

I am reading...the September issue of Real Simple, Why? by Anne Graham Lotz, and a new cooking magazine that Hubby picked up for me.

I am hoping...that I can find a really great book for myself when I go to the library tomorrow; that the boys' new teachers don't assign too much homework; that Goliath will quit telling me that he won't get to go to 4th grade if he doesn't do well on the TAKS test.

I am hearing...the new tunes I put on my iPod earlier today. Some classics (no one does "When a Man Loves a Woman" better than Michael Bolton), some new worship songs from Jeremy Camp, and a couple of ditties from old school musicals. What can I say? You're never too old for the magic of Annie.

Around the house...the dishwasher is loaded and there is no room left for the four cups and one water bottle that are still on the table. There are two overflowing baskets of laundry waiting to be folded and put away (surprising, right?). The sofa in the playroom has a slipcover, and it needs to be adjusted. Little Middle and Baby have been building a "city" out of an assortment of toys from their closet, and it is not to be touched, thank you very much.

One of my favorite things...sweet cream ice cream with colored sprinkles mixed in at Marble Slab. I wish I had some right now.

A few plans for the rest of the week...Tomorrow Baby and I have a playdate at Chick-Fil-A with some friends while the big kids are at school. Actually, Baby is going to play with his buddy; I am just going to sit and talk with said buddy's mom. On Friday I am flying to Houston so I can attend two wedding showers for my brother and his bride-to-be. Looking forward to a fun weekend!

A picture to share...This gem was taken at the Rough Riders game a few weeks ago. You recognize the cute little boy, but you might be wondering about the ugly foot that someone is rudely sticking in front of his cute little face. The foot belongs to my new brother-in-law, Howie. HHRiii, you were foolish to think this wouldn't turn up on the blog someday. I love you anyway.