There has been a lot of talking, praying, and weighing of options going on around here. Hubby took a few days off work last week, and we spent much of that time discussing our future. We have made some decisions.
I will not have another debulking surgery. The possible benefits are minuscule when compared to the probable risks. I want to spend my time not suffering in bed, but making memories with my family.
With Dr. F's blessing, I have scheduled two appointments. I hesitate to use the word "final", but it certainly feels like they are final appointments. Last chances. End-of-the-road.
The first one I went to today at UT Southwestern here in Dallas. I saw a doctor whose career specialty is advanced gyn cancers. She was extremely generous with her time and I could see compassion in her eyes. She wanted to give me good news. There was talk of pathology review and tumor classification, but in the end, she confirmed what we already know. My Monster is rare--less than 10% of all ovarian cancer patients experience this sort of evolution of cancer. It is strong, mean, and without a miracle, it will be nearly impossible to eradicate.
The second appointment I made will take place at Memorial Sloane-Kettering Cancer Center in New York on July 22. My medical records were forwarded to MSK, and after review, my request for an appointment was approved. There is much to be done in preparation for that appointment: paperwork must be gathered, pathology slides from all four of my previous surgeries must be overnighted to the clinic, and arrangements must be made.
I have not anticipated earth-shattering revelations from either of these doctors. Quite the opposite, actually. After years of disappointing--no, crushing--tests, reports, and appointments, I know better than to have high expectations. Instead, my ambition is simple: I want to be settled. I want to know without a doubt that I have done everything reasonable to fight a good fight. I want to be able to look my husband, my little cowboys, and my parents in the eye and be confident that I did my best for them.
Make no mistake, friends. This is not resignation, nor am I giving up. I believe that God still does miracles all the time, and that He can heal. We continue to pray for that miracle. And I also believe that God has a good plan for me--even if it is cancer.
These are scary days, yet I feel peace. That is a good gift from a good God.
"Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time."--Oswald Chambers
11 comments:
I am on my knee praying for god to wrap his healing hands around u. I am crying as I pray for you. Please know we love you and keep u in our thought and prayers daily!
I am a fan of you in so many ways.
I don't really remember how I stumbled across your blog. I have only been reading it for a few months. I know however without a doubt that God brought me here to read the words in the post from today. I'm 37 and had a breast biopsy last week. The waiting time is so anxious. We just finished cancer treatment with my father in law a year ago and then 6 months ago my mom was diagnosed with lymphoma so we have walked this road far too often in the recent past. This week as I wait for a phone call with the pathology notes God used you to speak to me...
"And I also believe that God has a good plan for me--even if it is cancer.
These are scary days, yet I feel peace. That is a good gift from a good God."
Praying for you, your husband and your sweet boys. Thank you for sharing your heart.
sandyzuckero@hotmail.com
I know I'm a total stranger, but I just read your story and I feel drawn to pray fo you! My mom was diagnosed with a rare cancer a few months ago, so I began researching everything I could to help her fight her cancer. Please read up on curcumin and how it kills cancer cells. They are using it at MD Anderson with success. I bought my mom Life Extension brand (after more research) and started her on it right away along with other natural products. It has to be taken with oil, like olive oil or a fish oil capsule. It comes from the spice turmeric. I also put her on probiotics and maitake mushroom complex. Her cancer docs were not on board with it until her first blood panel came back with the cancer protein almost cut in half. Another thing to consder is researching xenoestrogens. I have endometriosis and one thing I learned years ago was that estrogen made it grow. I looked up everything that contains estrogen; foods like soy, meats injected with hormones, and estrogen mimickers, and cut them out of my diet. Even plastic water bottles give off xenoestrogens. I will keep you in my thoughts prayers and pray for the monster to shrink and disappear!
I know I'm a total stranger, but I just read your story and I feel drawn to pray fo you! My mom was diagnosed with a rare cancer a few months ago, so I began researching everything I could to help her fight her cancer. Please read up on curcumin and how it kills cancer cells. They are using it at MD Anderson with success. I bought my mom Life Extension brand (after more research) and started her on it right away along with other natural products. It has to be taken with oil, like olive oil or a fish oil capsule. It comes from the spice turmeric. I also put her on probiotics and maitake mushroom complex. Her cancer docs were not on board with it until her first blood panel came back with the cancer protein almost cut in half. Another thing to consder is researching xenoestrogens. I have endometriosis and one thing I learned years ago was that estrogen made it grow. I looked up everything that contains estrogen; foods like soy, meats injected with hormones, and estrogen mimickers, and cut them out of my diet. Even plastic water bottles give off xenoestrogens. I will keep you in my thoughts prayers and pray for the monster to shrink and disappear!
I'm praying for God's very best for you and your family. Embrace the peace that you have.
I think today is a day where you might need some extra love...I found your blog last year and have been following you. I just wanted to say, I love you dearly. We've never met, maybe we never will, but I love you so much. You are extraordinary, and I will pray deep and rich prayers for your New York journey.
I just stumbled onto your blog a week or so ago and I'm so very humbled by your faith in the Lord. Your words challenge me to draw ever closer to Him, to be ever more surrendered to His Plan for my life regardless of the circumstances. I'm praying for you and for your family; may God continue to fill you with His Peace as you journey toward your healing. One way or another, healing is yours. In the meantime, your witness is incredible and I for one have been changed by reading it. Thank you.
You are amazing. That is all.
Directed to your blog from an article I read a few months ago (so I'm a complete stranger!). I've been following along ever since and praying for a miracle for you. God Bless!
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