This update is a hard one to write. I've been dreading it and have, in fact, been putting it off. However, procrastination is not going to change the facts, so it's time to put them out there for you, my friends, to know.
Monster lives. He resists chemotherapy. He has come back to life after four major surgeries designed to destroy him. He is too big for radiation. He is too aggressive and unpredictable for other common treatments. He is a threat to other body parts and functions, which, once damaged, can not be reversed and could be life-threatening. His location within my body makes nontraditional treatments questionable at best, and more like out of the question.
Monster is not going away.
In the last few weeks, I've had to make a difficult decision. Since the debate was settled with a positive biopsy result, it has become clear that Monster intends to stay. I have to change my thinking, my prayers, my outlook, my plans....my LIFE!....to accommodate that.
After much consideration, prayer, counsel, and discussion, I have decided to opt out of further chemotherapy treatments. While chemo may be maintaining Monster to some degree, it is not shrinking him and certainly not getting rid of him! What it is doing is stealing from me. It is stealing 3-4 perfectly good days every week when I can not function like ME. It is stealing my energy. It is stealing my spirit, my joy, and most of all, it is stealing precious time.
If the rest of my time on this earth is going to be shared with Monster--and right now, it appears that it will be--then I must make that time quality. I want to spend that time being ME. I am not a cancer patient. I am a wife and a mom. I am a daughter and a sister. I am a granddaughter and an auntie. I am a friend. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I love music. I like to laugh, good food, Mary Poppins, animals, wise sayings, mystery books, Target, and flip flops. I must have my morning cup of coffee, my toenails painted, and a little bit of alone time every day. These are the things that make my world turn. I might have cancer, but it does not have me.
I have started on a new medication that I can take at home, once a day. It blocks estrogen production, thereby starving the cancer cells. (Monster eats estrogen.) This pill is similar to the med that I took from 2010-2012, when Monster was on vacation. The hope is that he will go on vacation again...this time for a long, long time.
Let's be clear: This is not me giving up. This is not me throwing in the towel or denying the possibility of God granting an 11th hour miracle. This is me, facing the very real idea that I may not see my babies grow their first mustaches, go on their first dates, or nurse their first broken hearts. I may not live long enough to be at my sons' high school graduation ceremonies. I may not be here to dance at their weddings or rock my grand babies. I need to be prepared for anything, so I want to get busy LIVING!
"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." Proverbs 31:25
Please, Lord, let it be said of me.
P.S. I don't know how much dignity a lady with a bird on her head can possibly muster, but it was a beautiful afternoon to go to the zoo with my 3 favorite boys!