Monday, April 15, 2013

Alive and Well

It has been five weeks since my last chemotherapy treatment.
 
It has been three weeks since debate began among several doctors in a few different specialties in a couple of separate hospitals regarding what the status of The Sickness is.
 
The testing has been uncomfortable and inconvenient.  The waiting has been nearly unbearable.  (Do you know how hard it is to be productive if you are carrying a phone in one hand every waking hour of the day, waiting for it to ring?!?)  The professional disagreements have been confusing and worrisome.
 
Finally, FINALLY today the final answer came.  Monster is alive and well inside of me.
 
Scans are just pictures, and pictures can be tricky.  But biopsies do not lie.
 
I wasn't really surprised that the biopsy was positive.  What surprised me today was the emotion I felt.  I've been in this fight long enough now that I thought I had developed nerves of steel.  Great sadness washed over me as I listened to Nurse Allyson deliver the news.  I realized that I had allowed myself to imagine a cancer-free me, and my sadness was the equivalent of disappointment.
 
I believe in miracles.  I believe that the same God who raised Lazarus from the dead, turned the water into wine, and made the blind man see can also make me whole and well.  I believe that He is good.
 
I do not understand why He does not allow that healing to take place.  I do not understand.  And oh, how I desperately want to understand it.  I would give almost anything just for the assurance that all of this suffering--mine and my family's--is not in vain. 
 
But I suppose that would not really be faith, would it?
 
Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine.   

12 comments:

Liz said...

Praying.
For a miracle, for comfort, for strength, for peace, for assurance...so many things.

Anonymous said...

Precious, amazing, mommy, wife and friend, Praying you have some peace, rest, joy very soon.

Anonymous said...

Allyson,
Praying for you, everyday. Love you!
H. Potter

Anonymous said...

You are beautiful and you are loved. I would like to share my daily word, God's Word with you. I thought of it as I read your blog. I, too, am praying for you.

The Lord bless thee, and keep thee: the Lord make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee: the Lord lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace. Numbers 6:24-26

Siobhan

Anonymous said...

Allyson, I cry when I read your blog - for your heart, for your boys, for your man, for your folks & family.
I pray for your endurance.
I thank God that he understands that you don't understand, knowing that He trusts that your faith in Him is greater.

And then my mind and eyes drifted to the photo of your 3 Cowboys & I saw for the first time... that their Swords form a Cross... and that the 3rd Sword (Goliath's Sword) is You - strong in your weakness, safe in the middle.

Gee, I wish I'd quit crying - I have work to do. Love & prayers, ALG

Tabbie Phillips said...

Allyson, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I think of you daily and am angry you. You are strong and wise in a situation where others would crumble. Peace and prayers. Love, TP

Tabbie Phillips said...

Should say angry for you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Allyson, do you remember the story with Moses leading the people of Israel out of Egypt; they get to the Red Sea where they said:"We will die". Behind them was Pharaoh with his army, in front of them The Red Sea...How are they gone cross over and be safe on the other side? No matter what Moses told them they would have not believed him...why...it is obvious. But then they saw God in action...Jesus Christ is amazing and so powerful! "You will not die but you will see the deliverance God will give you today...and not only they crossed the Sea on dry land, wow, but they saw their enemies destroyed ...isn't that amazing and breath taking? God not only crossed them over the Red Sea but He crosses us over death and welcomes us into Eternal Life...that's more breath taking! You are a strong woman, a wonderful wife and mother and a precious child of the Living God. God has a beautiful plan for your life! Trust him and let him Him show you how much He loves and desires you. The battle belongs to our King! And since you are a Christian you are in the army of God, so you are in a battle...a battle that has already been won...Thank you Jesus!
Praying for your sweet family!

Melynda said...

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV)

Theresa (Castro) Almogabar said...

Allyson,
While it has been so long since you and I were in the same building together, your blog made me feel like I'm fighting with you. Keep fighting and we'll put you in our daily prayers. Thanks for sharing your heart and your kids. Take care!!

Tanya Darnell said...

I do not know you and you do not know me. I read because a friend posts on FB and asks us to pray! And I do pray for you and for God to move on your behalf BUT please know that this is not all in vain! You are reaching further than you will ever know and touching lives for the cause of Christ. I am changed every time and I read an excerpt. I am moved to tears and laughter. You truly have the key to life figured out! LIVE- that is the bottom line. Live today to the fullest! I pray that God works all things out for your God knowing that He will work it all out fir His good. And He is good. Everyone will be good. God promises that. Blessings and healing in Jesus'name!

Tanya Darnell said...

I do not know you and you do not know me. I read because a friend posts on FB and asks us to pray! And I do pray for you and for God to move on your behalf BUT please know that this is not all in vain! You are reaching further than you will ever know and touching lives for the cause of Christ. I am changed every time and I read an excerpt. I am moved to tears and laughter. You truly have the key to life figured out! LIVE- that is the bottom line. Live today to the fullest! I pray that God works all things out for your God knowing that He will work it all out fir His good. And He is good. Everyone will be good. God promises that. Blessings and healing in Jesus'name!