Sunday, February 7, 2010


Almost two weeks ago, I spent a long morning in a Dallas hospital doing my bi-annual CT scan. I dread going; I am relieved to the point of tears when it's done. Five days after the test, I couldn't take the waiting anymore, so I called my oncologist's nurse. She returned my call later that day and said these words: "There are no abnormal masses, but..."

It appears that there is pelvic fluid accumulating due to an increased thickening in the mesenteric region in my upper abdomen. She was quick to point out that it could be caused by any number of things. The "C" word hung between us on the phone line like a dark cloud. She didn't say it, but I sure was thinking it.

The next day, the nurse called me again. She said that Dr. M had reviewed the images from the scan, and wanted to schedule me for a PET scan. The PET scan is a more sophisticated test, and will produce more exact images of my insides. Any "questionable" cells will "light up like a Christmas tree!" after I am injected with radioactive material.

I am waiting to find out exactly when the scan will be. Turns out my little test comes with a hefty price tag, and the guy who writes the checks at the insurance company may need to be persuaded.

I've had all sorts of thoughts and emotions, not the least of which is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the next phone call. Fear of what could happen. Fear of the test. I love this quote from Beth Moore: "Christ is never intimidated by the depth of our need and the demonstration of our weakness. I'm so glad I don't have to keep a stiff upper lip and set a good example for others to follow when I am all alone with God and hurting!" I'm so glad, too.

It was during some alone time with God this weekend that an answer "accidentally" came to me through music. I wrote the lyrics of this song down in my journal this morning. That way, regardless of how this thing turns out, I can go back and remember that I learned (again) that I don't have to be afraid.

Because I am safe.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10


The Horton Family said...

Good post H. Good song. Good God.

wilsonfamily said...

I just read your blog and I am on my knees in prayer. I love you, sweet friend!

3 Girl Mommy said...

It's sometimes hard to remember, but no matter what trials we face...we are ALWAYS safe in God's hands. Thanks for sharing this! I love you and I am praying!!

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Anonymous said...

God with walk with you through this.

Anonymous said...

Do you have results yet? I'm so worried about you!! Griz

Anonymous said...

Do you have results yet? I'm so worried about you!! Griz