I have had thousands of really great days in my life. Joyous events stand out in my mind...holidays with my grandparents, graduations, the night a scavenger hunt led me to a diamond ring and a marriage proposal, my wedding day, the day I got to tell Hubby that he was going to be a daddy, the births of each of our sons. For the most part, each day is a happy one and I go to bed at night satisfied that I am very, very blessed.
Yesterday, however, was not one of those days. Yesterday was the day that we had to tell our children that their mommy has cancer. Again.
I would give up every single one of my good-day memories if it meant that I could have kept yesterday from happening. Forever etched in my mind will be the swollen-from-crying-green eyes of my oldest son as he looked at me and said, "Mommy, please don't die."
Tomorrow I will go back to the operating room. The plan is for my oncologist to remove the 2 tumors that are growing in my abdominal cavity and on my colon, to apply intraoperative chemotherapy, and then to insert a port for post-surgery chemo access.
My heart is torn, and my emotions are raw. I am scared. I am angry. I am thankful. I am still blessed.
A lot of things will change for me in the coming days. I will be sick, I will be weak. I will not be able to attend Goliath's scout meetings or to cheer for my 5-year-old karate kid from the sidelines. I won't teach preschool, I won't do much cooking, and I will not take Baby to the library.
But in the midst of my heartache, my God remains the same. He was faithful before, and I believe He will be faithful again. I wish so much that I could understand why I must endure this. Little Middle asked me yesterday, "Mommy, why do you have to have cancer?" The answer could only be, "I don't know why God lets bad things happen to good people." But I do know that the God who gave me those three precious boys holds me and my cancer in the palm of His hand.
And knowing that I am safe there is enough to make today a better day.
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS." Lamentations 3:22-23