I have had thousands of really great days in my life. Joyous events stand out in my mind...holidays with my grandparents, graduations, the night a scavenger hunt led me to a diamond ring and a marriage proposal, my wedding day, the day I got to tell Hubby that he was going to be a daddy, the births of each of our sons. For the most part, each day is a happy one and I go to bed at night satisfied that I am very, very blessed.
Yesterday, however, was not one of those days. Yesterday was the day that we had to tell our children that their mommy has cancer. Again.
I would give up every single one of my good-day memories if it meant that I could have kept yesterday from happening. Forever etched in my mind will be the swollen-from-crying-green eyes of my oldest son as he looked at me and said, "Mommy, please don't die."
Tomorrow I will go back to the operating room. The plan is for my oncologist to remove the 2 tumors that are growing in my abdominal cavity and on my colon, to apply intraoperative chemotherapy, and then to insert a port for post-surgery chemo access.
My heart is torn, and my emotions are raw. I am scared. I am angry. I am thankful. I am still blessed.
A lot of things will change for me in the coming days. I will be sick, I will be weak. I will not be able to attend Goliath's scout meetings or to cheer for my 5-year-old karate kid from the sidelines. I won't teach preschool, I won't do much cooking, and I will not take Baby to the library.
But in the midst of my heartache, my God remains the same. He was faithful before, and I believe He will be faithful again. I wish so much that I could understand why I must endure this. Little Middle asked me yesterday, "Mommy, why do you have to have cancer?" The answer could only be, "I don't know why God lets bad things happen to good people." But I do know that the God who gave me those three precious boys holds me and my cancer in the palm of His hand.
And knowing that I am safe there is enough to make today a better day.
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS." Lamentations 3:22-23
28 comments:
Allyson,
I know you through your precious mom and I am praying for you, Clint and the boys. I myself have three boys and can't imagine your yesterday. You are brave and courageous. You have a host of Houston folks crying out to the Father on your behalf.
Believing with you,
Kristin
Mother to Cooper, Keller, and Cade
Allyson, I too, know you through your Mom. Please know we are praying for you and you have so many people standing in the gap for you and your sweet family. Praying for a peace that passes all understanding.
Allyson, my sweet Grandaughter that I love very much. There are valleys & there are mountain tops. I am looking for the mountain top through God' love & grace. I am so proud to be your Grandmother. Gran
My sweet friend! Even at 36, I am asking the same question as Little Middle.... It's so hard to grasp and comprehend, but we know that our God is a good and great God and He DOES have you and your family in the palm of His hand. I pray for you, your hubby and especially the boys as you all, once again, have to live through this trial. I love you all dearly!!!
Allyson,
Your mom has many friends! And yes-I'm another one of them. :)
I am the mother of 2 beautiful adult daughters. Seventeen years ago, our oldest (Sara) asked the same thing Little Middle asked and our youngest (Christen)had swollen from crying blue eyes. My husband had cancer. And like yours-it was very serious. That was the sad news. The good news is that God is, was and always will be faithful to His beloved. After a long difficult battle, my sweet husband was declared clean and free of the disease. He missed some swim meets and school programs but he eventually walked our girls down the aisle when they married and is now a very proud Papa of 3 granddaughters. I know your days are difficult now but you have thousands MORE many great days ahead of you!My family and I are praying without ceasing as we 'stand by' you and your family. God bless you sweetheart~in Jesus' Name.
Allyson, Like everyone else - I know you through your mom. We're the same age & seem to be a lot alike :) Because of that, I've not been able to get you off of my mind since I heard the news. I've prayed for you continuously and will do so until God performs ANOTHER miracle in your life.
My children (ages 5 & 6) have been praying for your boys. They don't understand exactly what I've told them, but they know that they have friends they've never met that need their mom to get well very soon.
Please update your blog as you can (or as Clint can). Let us know how we can continue to pray for you as the days pass. We're committed to see you through this ...
Allyson, I am also a "Ms. Pat" friend, and she makes us all her favorites! She is such an example of faithfulness. My family has been praying for you and your family. Know that there are so many people lifting your family up.
Allyson..I always try to find a song/poem/ something to express better what I'm feeling because I really stink at expressing them on my own..but you know that already..just know I love you and regardless or time or miles you are still one of my best friends..I will be on my knees to the Father..You have enough faith for the both of us..and shouldn't it be the other way around right now?? Love you sweet friend...
k
Allyson, Clint and Boys,
Bill and I are keeping up with your through Hopie. We have been praying everday for you since we heard the news and we prayed for you in Sunday School last Sunday and we will be praying for you in my Bible Study tomorrow. (Thurs.)I know this is the day of your surgery. As Hope was recovering in the hospital from her car accident, this verse meant so much to me. "Praise be to the Lord for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped." Ps. 28:6-7 You are loved.
My heart broke reading your comments about telling the boys. Allyson, I can't even imagine. Please know that we are lifting you guys up in our prayers and thinking of you SO MUCH.
You can beat this, my friend. I KNOW you can. You are one of the brightest lights in my life and the world is a better place because you're in it. I love you!
Michelle
Allyson,
I'm so sorry to hear this, but I have faith it will all be ok. My thoughts and prayers will be with you...
David House
This song comes to mind as I pray for you!
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Love you!!!
:) Jennifer
Allyson,
I not unlike most that have commented today know you from sharing life and friendship. Many days when we were kids I spent in your mom and dad's house. From the time you and Beth became good friends it seemed as though mine and Phil's friendship went right along with it. This afternoon I was on facebook and your sweet brother worried and in prayer for you posted the information about tomorrow. Know that you have friends that have known you for a long long time. standing in the gap down on bended knees crying out to the father on your behalf. Your family has meant so much to me over the years and you have grown yourself to be an amazing women of God. I want to share with you my life verse. "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of things unseen." Hebrews 11:1 We never know why God puts things upon us but we can be certain through our faith that it is all in his will and I we know that his will is perfect and right. I talked with mom and dad and Beth tonight to let them know. So remember you have the entire Kay family praying for you.
We love you,
Mike Kay Jr.
Allyson,
You are a true testament to the faith we should all have in our God. We are all praying for you and for your entire family. I don't really know you, but I know your mother, and hearing the things she says about you, and reading what you post, your strength is just overflowing and your commitment to God and your family is amazing. Keep being strong and know that you are loved by so many around you. God bless you!
Paco
(SCBC)
Allyson,
I am praying for you and your family, especially today. Your mom is keeping us (here at SCBC) up-to-date on your progress and please know, we are standing with you - believing for strength for your body and health to be restored and for doctors to have wisdom and insight when trying to help you.
May you sense the Lord's continual kindness, healing and mercy.
~Anna~
Allyson and family,
Today brings many prayers your way. Hope has kept us up to date about you. Your blog is beautiful and your life's story is unfolding each day. You are an amazing person with many special gifts. One is being able to feel the arms of a loving, healing Heavenly Father wrapped around you. Know that there are people all over lifting you up today and for days to come. You are HIS child and he will carry you.
Love, Mike and Holly North
Allyson,
My friend Holly North (Hope's sister) sent me a link to your blog. I was so blessed by your words. Our Heavenly Father has his arms around you and your family today. We are praying for you as I know so many other's are too.
Love to you all,
Lew and Jason Campbell
Cody, Dakota, and Elijah
Sweet Allyson!! I so wish I could be there to give you a hug! You have been on my heart every day and I've been in prayer for you. I wish there was some way I could make this better for you! Just know how much I love you and your boys, and you keep fighting! I know how strong you are and you CAN get through this!!
Lots of love and hugs!!
Karen
Jeremiah 29:11
My dear friend,
I have been and will keep praying for you, Clint, and the boys. You're on my heart, and I praise God that He is showing His power through this sickness.
We talked in Sunday School (before the kids knew about your cancer) about the blind man that Jesus healed. When the disciples asked why the man had been born blind, Jesus replied in part, "this happened so that the work of God may be displayed in his life" (John 9). I keep reflecting on this passage, and how Jesus healed the man completely, and am crying out that He heal you too...
Love you -
Heather
My prayers are with you. I understand the fears you have now. In 1999, I was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma, and underwent high-dose chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant. I was scared, not for me, but for my family. I literally fell flat on my face and begged God for five years. When I got up, God had given me peace that I would go through it, and I did.
THAT was the easy part. A year and a half later, however, the cancer returned. It was much harder to have peace during that time. God is gracious, and we found that out that my sister was a perfect marrow match for me, and I underwent a second bone marrow transplant in 2001. I have been cancer-free ever since.
Unfortunately, my wife was not quite so blessed, as she was diagnosed with stage 4 (unrelated to mine in any way) cancer in 2004, and she went to be with Jesus two years later. The aftermath of that loss for me and my now-grown children was profound. We still deal with some issues of grief.
Rest assured that I will be praying for you and I will share your situation with my friends and family as we lift you up in prayer together.
Hi, my name is Lillie and I am personally involved with a non profit organization known as Spirit Jump. If you have never heard of Spirit Jump, I wish you would go to the website. www.spiritjump.org. Spirit Jump supports people who are battling cancer by sending uplifting cards and gifts to them and their families. I know you have three children and I feel this would be an awesome opportunity for you. Spirit Jump is also organizing their first ever Cards 4 Cancer day, where cards will be delivered, on April 10, 2010, to cancer centers all over the world. Please go to the website and read some stories from other people who are battling cancer who we have lifted their spirits by sending cards and gifts. Their stories are on the website under JUMPEES. I hope you have taken the time to read this post. If you would like to ask questions of me, my name is Lillie and my email address is tiegrrlil@gmail.com. The founder of Spirit Jump, a young woman named Meaghan, who is a cancer survivor, can be addressed at Meaghan@spiritjump.com.
I love you. I will be there for you. I hope to provide Goliath what he needs these next few days in terms of distraction. I am continuously praying for you.
Sweet Allyson,
I am so sorry that you and your boys will always have the painful memory of that night. For you, it is just one piece of the puzzle, and I think it is the same for your kids. They also have all the wonderful memories, of scouts and karate and trips to the library. When they look back on this, they will remember it as a bad day in a good life. And even though that bad day may be the beginning of a difficult time in their life, they are learning from you how to trust God in those hard times. Your belief that God is faithful is evident to them. When they look back on this difficult time, that is what they will remember.
-Melynda
Ally,
I am praying for you and I know you will be okay. You are a fighter and I can't believe you would ever stop fighting for your family.
I love you and I will be there to hold your hair and let you scream if the time comes. I know Clint and the boys will bring you much comfort when you need it. I am so proud to call you DIL.
Griz
Standing in the gap for you friend. Love you much.
Hi there,
My friend Natalie asked us to pray for you! We will be praying that God is always by your side. That he gives you strength as you go thru this challenging time in your life. we will pray for your boys and your loved ones.
Praying for you,
Mabelin Ruger
Allyson,
"Throw all your anxiety upon [God]." (1 Peter 5:7) Feelings of confusion, anger, and abandonment are only natural when we endure suffering or see someone we love suffer. Still, be assured that Jehovah God understands our feelings. (Exodus 3:7; Isaiah 63:9) Like faithful men of old, we can open our heart to him and express our doubts and anxieties. (Exodus 5:22; Job 10:1-3; Jeremiah 14:19; Habakkuk 1:13) He may not miraculously remove our trials, but in response to our heartfelt prayers, he can grant us the wisdom and strength to deal with them.—James 1:5, 6.
"Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you." (1 Peter 4:12, New International Version) Here Peter is speaking of persecution, but his words apply equally well to any suffering a believer may endure. Humans suffer privation, sickness, and loss. The Bible says that "time and unforeseen occurrence" befall everyone. (Ecclesiastes 9:11) Such things are part of the human condition at present. Realizing this will help us to deal with suffering and misfortune when it occurs. (1 Peter 5:9) Most of all, recalling the assurance that "the eyes of Jehovah are toward the righteous ones, and his ears are toward their cry for help" will especially be a source of comfort.—Psalm 34:15; Proverbs 15:3; 1 Peter 3:12.
"Rejoice in the hope." (Romans 12:12) Instead of dwelling on lost happiness, we can meditate on God's promise to end all suffering. (Ecclesiastes 7:10) This well-founded hope will protect us as a helmet protects the head. Hope cushions the blows in life and helps to ensure that they do not prove fatal to our mental, emotional, or spiritual health.—1 Thessalonians 5:8.
Jose Aguilar
Lewisville, TX
I remember when Kandice told us in our small group about your recurrence. We are actually getting together tomorrow night to talk, to laugh, and I'm sure, to pray for you!
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