Sunday, June 29, 2014

Longing

My world has been narrowed quite a lot in the last several weeks.  Although I agreed to the terms of hospice care, I am always surprised when the next "thing" comes up and the response I get.  That's not to say that I am dissatisfied with the service.  In fact, I've been quite pleased with my experience.  I recently had an episode in which I slept from 9:30 p.m. until 4:00 p.m. the following day.  That, my friends, is a lot of sleeping!  The nurse came out to make sure I was ok (I was).  Since that initial day, it has happened a couple more times.  On that first day when the nurse was here, I was surprised that I didn't get the reaction from her that I expected.  She was very, very calm.  Not negligent, not uncaring...just calm.  I suppose that's how it goes in the hospice world. 

I have a deep longing to be done here.  If I were to be really truthful, I would tell you that I am disappointed most mornings to open my eyes and figure out that I am still here.  I honestly thought I would have been taken home by now.  Of course, the plans I make for myself rarely coincide with the plans that God makes for me.  So, I spend a lot of my time thinking about heaven.  What will it look like?  Will I get to spend some one-on-one time with Jesus?  Will there be lines to stand in to wait to meet the heroes of my faith:  Moses, Noah, David, Peter, Peter (to name a few) like the queue at DisneyWorld? 

"Eye has not seen, ear has not heard, neither has it entered into the heart of man all that God has prepared for those that love Him."  1 Corinthians 2:9

My mom wrote this verse for me and hung it on the wall where I can see it often.  It is a promise I cling to with all my might.  I know that there must be some reason that God is keeping me here, still alive, instead of swooping me up to be with Him.  I certainly do wish I could understand it.

Instead, Monster marches on.  Although my pain is well-managed, it has been necessary to take extra measures lately to ensure that that continues.  I recently switched from oral meds to a pain pump.  Were you to ever see me, you would notice the giant needle that is stabbed in my chest, or you might widen your eyes at the iv tubing that is attached to me, which must be carried everywhere I go.  Everywhere.  There's no question that the pump is the better option...I was taking as many as 30 pills each day.  Still, it is cumbersome and only so much tubing will stay put in the cute Vera Bradley bag I tote around.

All that medicine is making me do weird things.  Example:  I had a dream where I was quite insistent that Princess Lovely come for tea.  This was overheard by my mother, who is still giggling about it.  Princess Lovely--ha!  I also have had several instances where my hands will move while I'm sleeping.  A few nights ago I tried to feed myself some imaginary yogurt with an imaginary spoon, only to wake up and find that things were just as I had left them when my eyes were closed.  There was no spoon, no yogurt--just bedsheets.  Bummer.

You might be wondering how my three little cowboys are holding up.  Truth be told, I'm kind of wondering the same thing. It is like pulling teeth to get them to talk about it, and when we begin to scratch the surface, I get so nervous! What I do know for sure is that they are frightened and insecure--even though we are trying so hard to make it okay for them.  Three individual little people = three individual needs.  The hurt is huge.  At times, it feels insurmountable.  I have some guilt, because when this is all said and done, I get to be the lucky one.  They have to stay here and learn to live without their mom.  Some days seem good, and other days are very emotional and difficult.  You would not waste a prayer on my three precious boys.

How about some good news?  Ally's Wish is booming!  Due to the generous support from so many, wishes are being granted!   The Harrison family just returned from their trip to DisneyWorld.   Angie was able to spend time in the parks each day with her husband the their three children, making memories that will last.   Additionally, we have another mom whose wish we are already working on!  She has meticulously journaled throughout her long fight with her Monster, and now she wants to have her journals bound into a book.  That will be the next project for the team.  It thrills me to no end that this foundation exists to make wishes come true for hurting families!  As always, you can support us financially and make a difference to other people.  Simply go to www.allyswish.org and click on the "donate" button.  Thank you!

Please pray.  Please pray that the days, however many there are left, would pass quickly--but not TOO quickly.  Please pray that I would have discernment in making decisions and that the hearts of those who love me would be prepared.  I am fully, 100%, no-questions-asked ready to go home.  I'm thankful---SO thankful--that this space is only temporary.  You can have all this world, but give me Jesus. 

73 comments:

Laura said...

Praying for your peace and comfort and that of your family.

Lori said...

Praying for you and yours, Ally... I so wish things could turn out differently, a last days miracle. But as we know, God is in control and His ways are far better than our ways!

Liz said...

Oh Allyson. What a wonderful, beautiful post. I agree that you are indeed the lucky one in all this. I'm sure there are days/moments when you don't feel lucky at ALL, but I am so blessed to read your words & know how closely you walk to Him and that your family is being taken care of. Sorry that I've spaced out on the cards the last couple of weeks. We've had some drama over here at my house. Continually loving & praying for you!

Melynda said...

For once, the tears in my eyes while reading your post are not tears of pain but of joy. You really do sound ready. I hate that we will miss you, and I continue to pray for your family who will live here a while longer without you. But you are at peace and ready to go home. I've said twice as many prayers for your peace as I have for your healing (and that's a lot), and it makes my heart feel full to know that you there. I love the woman you are, the example you set for us, a faithful follower who is honest about struggles in this life and seeking the Lord in good times and bad. I will countinue to pray for you as you continue this journey, and for your cowboys and the rest of your family as they grapple with losing you.

Anonymous said...

Continued thoughts and prayers of peace....

Anonymous said...

Just lifted up a prayer for each little cowboy!

Anonymous said...

May God wrap you and your family in his arms. I pray for the peace you seen to have found and for strength for your children and family. You sound like an amazing woman. God Bless you.

Shannon said...

I pray for you daily. I don't even have words really except to say thank you for bringing me closer to Jesus.

Anonymous said...

What beauty and openness. Your spirit is so aware and calling to deep. Thank you for allowing us to witness this depth of Spirit and Love.

My prayer for your sons, your parents and your partner is that they will be comforted by the beauty of who you are, of all they share with you and the beauty of the One you worship.

My prayer for you is that you will be as present in these days as you wish to be and that there will be peace, grace and love surrounding you every minute-every moment.

May you be lifted so gently and lovingly into His arms. Grace be with you, sister.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, yet think of you & your boys every single day. I lift you in prayer and am confident The Lord, our God, is waiting for you. Much love.

Functional Cancer Girl said...

There are no words to describe how I feel about you and your family and the journey you are on. I too am a woman in her 30 ' s that lives with stage IV ovarian cancer. I am always humbled by just how very strong you are and how strong your faith is. It is an inspiration to me...truly. I wish you peace and love as you complete this journey. I pray that your family does not endure too much pain...

Ken and Susie said...

Allyson, you don't know my wife or me but we are Kelvin's Mom and Dad. You have been such an inspiration to him and Holly that he has shared with us until we feel we know you, too! We have read your postings and are so proud to be your brother and sister and so happy to share the same Heavenly Father who is demonstrating His love and mercy through you and your family (Boys, husband, Mother and Father).

Just wanted to let you know that we are praying (from Florida) for you and your family.

We are thanking our Father that He is demonstrating through you, how He loves us and prepares us for this time in our lives to "manage" the fear that may come our way but will not be able to overwhelm us.

Anonymous said...

Allyson, Thank you for sharing your courageous journey and beautiful faith with us. I had been praying for you and your family for a long time. Your story has touched my heart and strengthened my own faith and perspective of our time before heaven.

Anonymous said...

Sending continued prayers to you for peace and to always be surrounded by love. I also pray for your husband,
Precious cowboys and lived ones that they too will have peace in the coming days and

P. Clark said...

Ally,
I have been following your blog for quite some time but have never commented. But this time you said something that I don't know if I could ever say... you are ready, at peace to meet your Lord and "leave" your earthly family and your precious cowboys and husband. That is truly a peace that passes all understanding, that only Jesus can give. I don't think I will ever understand why God takes home Mother's with young children.... it will hurt, they will grieve for you, because you are their Mom and they love you BUT God will walk with them through it all., and I have no doubt that the legacy of your faith will be more than precious to them. What a Mom you have been in the time God has given you. I hope if I ever become terminally ill that I can walk through it with half the grace that you have.... you have touched, inspired, and encouraged more people than you will ever know. Well, maybe in heaven you will know. :) Not everyone does dying well, and you are doing well and I have no doubt God will say, Welcome, Ally, my good and faithful servant. Thank you for your honesty, heart and vunerability to allow us a peak into your battle. You are a very, very special lady. May God richly bless you with the time you have left on this earth.

Saleta said...

Allyson -
I've been following your journey for quite awhile. You don't know me, but you and your family are in my thoughts daily. I pray for all of you often...for peace, for comfort, for understanding, for courage, and for healing of your body and healing of your son's hearts.

I'm not sure if I commented about this before, but I'm a social worker for hospice in Fort Worth. When working with families that have young children, I often recommend something called The Warm Place. It's an organization in Fort Worth that specializes in grief and bereavement work for children and has been incredibly helpful to many children. I hope that it might be of some help to your sweet boys as well.
https://www.thewarmplace.org/

I am so encouraged by your story and so thankful for your vulnerability. Thank you for reminding me that Jesus is always with us, that He is always in control, and that He always has the better plan for our lives.

We're continuing to pray for you today and every day.

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't that be something to hear our Precious Lord saying: "You are 100% ready to come Home but I am not ready to take you Home, Yet! I have other plans for you. Isaiah 55:8-9" Wouldn't be amazing to receive an envelope with "something" inside that will take you to another country where you can receive the treatment that will completely destroy the Monster? Or, wouldn't be something if a Breath of Life from Heaven will enter in you and that Monster will be completely annihilated? Or both of them. God is so Good!
That would be something!
Jesus Christ is Wonderful and of course, wiser than us. He Loves us with an Everlasting Love...yes, indeed He is amazing and He keeps you close to His heart!
He has Everything under control as it pleases and desires His heart!
He loves you and your family, a lot!
You are God's Beautiful Child and His special warrior!
May Jesus Christ decide what is best for you! I leave Everything to Him (our Precious Father)!
Praying for you and your family!

Mike Broadway said...

I have read posts from your blog in the past, and a friend directed me to this one today. About a year ago, my wife of 33 years went on to glory after a 15 month struggle with cancer. We also have three children, although they are in their 20s and beginning to be independent. As we approach this first anniversary of Everly's death, I read as if hearing her speak during her final months. She was not much for trying to write about her experience--I was the one who blogged her cancer struggle, our family's rising to support, and our faith through it all. But so much of what you said made me not only appreciate your faith in this circumstance, but also remember her faith as well. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to speak. I have linked your three most recent posts in my blog today in order to let your words speak healing and hope to others who may not know about your writing. May God richly bless you and your family in these days.

Anonymous said...

My friend Abby posted your blog and I read your profile and latest message. I've been struggling with my 'dream' as if I haven't found it yet. When you said you were living your dream of being a wife and mother, I realized that was always mine too. I think after being in college six years earning a graduate degree, I felt I could never say what you said. Thanks for making me realize that raising my three sons and now a fourth has been my dream. You've helped me feel content. You're faith is amazing. Praying for you sweet girl and your precious family.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you.

Kenon Neal said...

Dear Ally,

I am so grateful for your beautiful testimony to the power of God's spirit in this sacred time. He is giving you a deep hunger for Heaven and a readiness to trust him with your most precious relationships here on earth. THAT is inspiration! I feel the same... I am the very blessed woman who is now working with your dear Ally's Wish friends to publish my caringbridge blog. Though this is my 5th cancer battle, I thought I was "done" 21 years ago after a bone marrow transplant. Bringing kids along on the journey during breast cancer 7 years ago, and now young teens into a stage 4 (6-18 month) diagnosis is a whole new level of processing trust. We stand resolved to see Jesus glorified in all- even in moments the world shakes their heads at. He is sovereign, and I stand with you in the truth that sets you free, Allyson. Jesus is our hope and our children's. As you say in your video, everyone has a story. Your 3 cowboys, my 3 beach kids... And our husbands, friends, relatives.... God is working out His perfect story. That you for taking time and energy to speak this truth. It is inspirational and rare- your bold words are a true gift.

Anonymous said...

May you pass without pain and in peace - I know your love will last and that your sons will be surrounded by your love for all of their days.

Sharon said...

I'm having trouble today getting the blog to take my "comment". Will try one more time. Allyson, we wonder all the time how all of you are doing and how the cowboys are coping? And so, I was surprised and glad to see your post. Prayers will always and forever be said for the cowboys, your family and of course for you dear, precious girl.

Lori said...

Dear Ally, I just can't get you and your family off my mind--and I don't want to! I want to be reminded of your faith, your testimony, the grace with which you and your family (including your dear parents whom I also do not know) are facing this battle. I want to be reminded of the fact that even though we are sure to face challenges, hardships and yes, even trauma and pain in this life we can be surer still that God's love is enough to carry us through! "Monster" may APPEAR to be winning. But we know that even if this cancer monster takes your life, it did not win because monster cannot kill LOVE, FAMILY, MEMORIES, INNER STRENGTH, the SOUL and esp. monster cannot destroy JESUS or HIS LOVE! Ally you are so VERY strong and such an inspiration! That is not to say you can't show your "weakness" here because you can! I am sure you probably have times when you are scared, angry and sad. You are human, after all. I much admire your ability to speak truth--not only about the love of Jesus and your testimony of faith but also showing the world the sometimes scary, sometimes ugly reality of a battle in which God's love outshines it all! Praying for you and your precious family--esp. that your sweet cowboys will be comforted and will know that it is ok to express their feelings. Praying strength and comfort for the journey for all of you! Much love dear lady!

Anonymous said...

YOU BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL woman! We pray as a family for your peace and we will ALWAYS be praying for your boys.

Anonymous said...

Ally-Today through my tears, I wish your suffering come to an end. Close your eyes, sweet lady. You have done everything you could to live and your parents, husband and the three little cowboys will know the courage and strength you exhibited through your journey. They will be taken care of by many. You are a courageous woman who has exhibited great strength and dignity throughout this ordeal and have given us such insight (and your writing is a gift) into what the process you have had to walk to see our God. I am sure he is preparing for your arrival into heaven. You are truly an exceptional woman. I know for me you have made me look at life more differently. There really are few things we need in this world short of love and faith and our hearts should be free of grudges and self pity. Wishing you peace and that your pain be controlled as you continue on this final leg to meeting our God. Love from New Hampshire, dear Lady. One final thing. I am so happy that Ally's wish is taking off so well and what a tribute to your life. Is it possible that a family member pass information on to those of us who would like to make contributions for the educations of your precious cowboys?

3BoyMom said...

Dear friend,
There is indeed a way you can contribute to the boy's educations. There is a provision in my will that very thing. When the time comes, that information will be readily available through this blog.
I appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness more than you can know. Those boys will be my legacy, and I am trusting God to provide for their every need.

Allyson

Anonymous said...

Allyson,

Thank you for sharing your faith and gift of writing. I have been praying for you and your family. A specific prayer for you for peace and little pain. God is forever present. I have prayed for your husband. I pray that he be given the peace, guidance and discernment in his faith walk as he is with you and will be with your 3 cowboys.

Carolina22 said...

Allyson,

Thank you for sharing your faith as well as your beautiful writing. You and your family have been in my prayers.

I am the wife of a man who lost his mother to ovarian cancer 14 years ago. We're in our 40s and have been married 2 years so I never met her.

Just recently he cried because I wasn't able to meet her and that she would have been so proud of me. I work in cancer research. I hugged him and told him how much I love him. I pray that such a mate will be there for each one of your 3 cowboys some day.

Thank you for posting about the way we can contribute to their education. We will be honored to do that.

Praying for your comfort and for peace and comfort for your husband, cowboys, parents, sister etc.

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Lori said...

Dear Ally,
I am so glad someone thought to ask about your cowboys education and possible donations. I don't have much but I'd be honored to contribute something and will do so when the time comes.
You have certainly touched so very many lives with your strength and testimony including my own. I pray that if ever I were to face a challenge such as yours, I could do so with the grace and courage you have exhibited. Your boys and the rest of your family will certainly carry that legacy onward! Much love and prayer, Lori

Anonymous said...

The Bible says " Pray without ceasing"...I talk with God throughout the day as I would aclose friend and you are brought to mind very often. I am privileged to lift you, your husband, your cowboys, and family up to the King of Kings. May His peace and strength see each of you through this unwanted journey. I will pray even after He calls you home, knowing God will care for those that are left behind...until we meet againin Heaven. Blessings
Carrie

Alyssa said...

I just got back from church camp yesterday and I prayed for you everyday there. They said something that really struck me while reading. They said, "Don't be afraid. God is with you." That's when the whole thing clicked. God loves you. Jesus loves you. God is watching over you right now. He has had a plan since before you were born and he is putting all the pieces into place. He has kept you on this earth to make a difference. A difference in families like yours and I can see that you are living out his plan perfectly

Annette said...

Allyson, although we have never met I have prayed for you and thought of you daily since learning of your sweet family. Your faith and grace have strengthened so many people's faith. Your boys and your family will always be blessed with you in their hearts. I will continue to pray for peace and comfort for you and your family.

Blessings,
Annette

Anonymous said...

Allyson,
Thank you for allowing me to love your Goliath...I treasure those days in his 2nd grade year when I was blessed with the responsibility of educating him and more importantly supporting him emotionally throughout a part of your battle with "the Monster". I am humbled that God allowed me to be there for him...
Please know that I pray for your family daily. If I can do anything for Goliath (at anytime) please let him know that I am (still) here for him. I love you and your family with all my heart!
Heather Potter

Anonymous said...

May your soul rest in peace Allyson, you will always be in our hearts

Anonymous said...

RIP Allyson. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Prayers for you and your sweet family.

Lori said...

You are pain-free now, Allyson...happy in the arms of your Savior! My heart aches for your precious boys, husband, parents and loved ones but we know you will spend eternity with them when the Lord calls them home. Until then, rest in peace and know that you have left a lasting legacy. I will never forget you!

Sherri said...

Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You have touched my heart beyond measure. I'm sure you are getting some wonderful one on one time with Jesus!!!

Anonymous said...

Has Allyson passed away? The RIP comments?

Anonymous said...

Rest in peace Allyson, For all your pain may you be in the comfort of The Lord.

Anonymous said...

You are more courageous than anyone in the world ,and i have found out you have gone home .My condolences to your husband and children and the Conner family

Anonymous said...

Allyson passed away late Friday night. She is with the Heavenly Father in the arms of Jesus. Please pray for her husband, children, parents and the restof her awesome family!

Anonymous said...

REST in peace you dear, sweet lady. You will be greatly missed. I am praying for your family.

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Theresa Stent said...

God BLESS Clint and his 3 Cowboys with Allyson- reading her powerful blog has affected me greatly. PRAYERS!!

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Anonymous said...

.

Anonymous said...

To Allison's family. You are all in my thoughts daily.

Before Allison passed, I had sent a message on this blog asking if there was a way for those of us who wished to make donations to the cowboys' educations .Allison actually responded that when the time came that it would be readily available on this blog. Is that still the case? I know others had expressed similar desires to help her little cowboys. Many prayers.

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Lisa Buffaloe said...

I'm praying comfort for your family and the Connors. Thank you for fighting the fight well on this earth. Your testimony continues.

Sending gentle hugs to the little cowboys and their relatives.

Tears.

Lisa Buffaloe

Lori said...

I think of you and your family often, Allyson. I know you are with Jesus now and I continue to pray for your precious cowboys, husband and family. I pray that they will always be surrounded by love, faith, family and precious memories of you!

Sherri said...

I think about you often, Allyson. I never had the honor of meeting you, but your life touched me beyond measure. Praying for your sons, husband, parents and family. I know you are in heaven with Jesus healed at last.

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Katrice Lowe said...

Allyson....sadly, just today I learned of your departure. Though I never had the privilege of meeting you in person, I loved meeting your beautiful an inspiring spirit through your blog. You continue to be an inspiration from heaven as I have thought of you often. I will continue to lift up your 4 boys (hubby included)! Thank you for putting so many things into perspective. I hope you are having a blast up above and I'm sure you've mastered using your wings by now! Soar high!

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CDH said...

It's hard to come Full Circle..
Its hard to read this blog,
Today, you were far away, and I miss you everyday
We all still hurt, we all still miss you.
we still love you, the kids miss you.
We are going to be OK, I believe that.
I want to walk away, but I watched you slip away and realized every night how close I was to losing you.
At night I asked are you still there, yes I'm here.
At night I ask are you there, I just close my eyes,
and I just watch you in Heaven.
I wish I could ask you about today, and tell you about today.

Anonymous said...

One year, seems impossible that much time has gone by, yet it could have been yesterday. I still check this blog occasionally, not sure why. You are missed, sweet Allyson.

Anonymous said...

Heartbreaking....you and Allyson are together again....this time for eternity. I believe that. Praying deeply for your three cowboys. May they continue to believe in HIM, and cling even more tightly to HIM throughout their lives. Rest in peace, Clint.

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Lori said...

I've been thinking o f Allyson very often lately. I wasnt sure why because I know she is healed and with Jesus! I had her 3 cowboys so strongly on my mind tonight and again asked myself why but this time, I came here to see if her family had posted any updates on the boys. Nothing. Or so I thought...
Then I read the latest comments from the last post referencing what seemed like Clint's passing. I don't know any of them personally but still, I feel like screaming "WHY??"
I feared that cancer may have struck yet again but no, not cancer. I am just so VERY sorry that this family --and especially those precious boys are enduring another loss. May God hold you all close to Him until you meet again! Boys, I didn't know your parents face to face but I DO know they loved you and that love lasts FOREVER!

Anonymous said...

Clint committed suicide on October 24th, 2015.

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