Early this morning we dropped the cowboys off with a friend so they could go to VBS and we nervously fought rush hour traffic to get to Dr. F's office.
We had every reason to be anxious.
I had a CT scan on Friday. The scan shows at least four new tumors that have developed since April. The existing masses are enlarged, and there is some growth into lymph nodes.
Four new tumors.
Three little cowboys.
When darkness veils His lovely face I rest on His unchanging grace.
There are two choices:
Further examination led Dr. F to solemnly tell us that surgery would be difficult. The tumors are growing at such a rapid rate that they are jam-packed in my body. He believes that there are parts that are even attached to bone. Surgery would require a 2-week hospital stay, followed by a lengthy recovery at home. The result would mean a huge lifestyle change for me, and there is no guarantee that such an operation would be successful in eradicating Monster.
I can continue as I am, treating the pain and other symptoms as they come along with medication.
In every high and stormy gale my anchor holds within the veil.
Neither seems like a good option to me. I don't even have a backup plan anymore, as my team at M.D. Anderson has done everything they can do for me. Dr. F suggested that I might consider making a trip to New York to Memorial Sloan Kettering Hospital, to seek any resources that might not be at our disposal here in Texas. Part of me thinks that is a great idea! Part of me thinks that if I didn't get it at MDA, I won't get it at MSK. And a third, hidden, terrible part of me wants to stick out her tongue and stamp her foot at the very idea that her first trip to New York City would be on Monster's behalf! Really...the nerve!!!
His oath, His covenant, His blood, support me in the whelming flood.
This isn't just a little summer shower of "oh, drat". This is a full-fledged, gale-force, torrential deluge of "DAMN IT!!!" This is a monstrosity of a storm. These are rising flood waters that threaten everything I hold dear. This squall refuses to be quieted or calmed. This is my life.
When all around my soul gives way He then is all my hope and stay.
All around me today everything fell apart...again. I went into that little room not even expecting a miracle. I had only hoped that Monster might have just been contained for the last few months. To find out that he is growing faster than Little Middle (who is eating us out of house and home, by the way) was like taking a sucker punch to the gut.
...So loved Allyson that He gave His only son. So that no matter what I come across in this broken old world: heartache, loss, sickness, fear--I have hope.
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.