It is quiet in our house tonight. I am recovering from what is likely the last chemo treatment I will have, and you are spending your Spring Break week in West Texas with your grandparents. It is nearly too quiet. Your absence makes it easier for me to get in my much-needed nap time, but honestly, I miss the sounds of you slamming doors, rummaging through the pantry (because you are always hungry!), and shouting up and down the stairs. It is lonely here without you.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, processing, and praying with the three of you at the forefront of my mind and heart over the last few days. It is exhausting work, being down in the trenches battling it out with God. He and I don't see eye to eye on a few things, but we certainly agree on this: You three little cowboys are wonderfully made and deeply loved.
Mema has been great over the last few days to send me some pictures and videos so that I can keep up with what you're doing on your vacation, and I don't feel quite so lonely for you. Indeed, each one makes me smile. You know what I wish? I wish that I could bottle up days like today for you. Days where you chase goats in a brother rodeo and laugh your heads off. Days where you dare each other to try a little polar swimming, Texas style. Days where you are carefree and lighthearted. Days where you are not burdened or hurting. I want to capture THAT in a bottle, label it, and set it up on a shelf somewhere where it will be safe until the time comes that you might need it again.
I'm afraid that there is such a time that is coming, precious loves. I can barely stand the very idea of it. But tonight, in our quiet house, I am asking God to protect your tender hearts for just a while longer. I am begging him for a little more time--a few more days of goat rodeos and playing outside and being little boys. And of course, always, asking and believing for the miracle that will let me be the mom I want to be for you.
But you know what the real miracle is? It's that I got to be your mom in the first place. God could have given you to anyone--but he picked me. I am the luckiest lady in the whole world. I love you to the moon and back.