Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Three Month Results

Last night I had one of those dreams that seemed so real that when I woke up it took me a minute to realize that none of it had really happened.  I dreamed that I went to the Ballpark in Arlington to audition to sing the national anthem at a Rangers game.  The audition actually took place AT a game in front of a sold-out crowd.  I went out to the pitcher's mound, and then I forgot the words to The Star Spangled Banner.  But I didn't hesitate...I sang Amazing Grace instead.  A natural choice.  And somehow, it was phenomenal.  The crowd went wild.  Ron Washington had tears in his eyes. People were throwing their hats in the air and cheering!  The Rangers ran onto the field and offered me an exclusive contract to travel with them and sing Amazing Grace at every game.  I was just about to sign the papers when my phone rang.  I answered it.  It was Dr. F.  He said, "We got the scan results.  I don't know how this has happened, but there has been a huge mix-up and it turns out you never had cancer to begin with."  I said, "That's great, because I'm going on tour with the Texas Rangers!" and I hung up on him.

I've never hated my alarm clock more.

Unfortunately, the Texas Rangers did not call me today.  But Nurse Allyson did.  At 4:30 p.m.  It was a really long day.

The news is not the best, nor is it the worst.  The CT images show that the cancer is stable.  It is basically unchanged since the last scan I had in November.  Since I began the Topotecan regimen, the diseased areas have neither shrunk or grown.  The cancer remains in my abdomen, just as it was three months ago.

I do not know how I should feel about this news.  I know it could be worse, so I feel, I don't know...guilty? that I am upset.  What bothers me most, I think, is the idea of the wasted time.  For three months I have gone back and forth.  Three months I have spent the majority of my time sick or sleeping or incapacitated or unavailable.  Three months I have been around my boys, but not with my boys.  Three months.  That might not seem like such a long time when you are thirty-seven.  But three months to a seven-year-old boy?  That's a good chunk.

So....the inevitable question:  What Next?  Dr. F wants to order a PET scan to check on the metabolic activity of the existing cancer.  This will answer a few questions (hopefully) about how the chemotherapy has affected it so that we can make an informed decision about further treatment.  I will meet with the good doctor next Tuesday, March 5.

Tonight, my brain is a mess of swirling thoughts and questions.  I wish I could understand.  I wish I could see the big picture.  I wish I could look into the future and see my little boys all grown up to be men and know what the purpose is for the suffering they must endure.  My confusion and fear are real, but so is my faith.  I believe that my God is good, and that His love for me stretches beyond what I can comprehend.   

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones.  When you have finished your daily task, go to sleep in peace.  God is awake." --Victor Hugo


Kristen Davis said...

We sure love you Allyson Hendrickson. We have not yet "met" but I've "met" you through your Mom and Dad and love you each so. I cannot help but write this time having been following your blog as posted by Ms.Pat and having been praying for your sweet sweet heart ~ you are an amazing testament of faith and have inspired so many, even those of us whom you have not even yet met. You are my sister in Christ and I can no longer help but say it is true indeed, rest as He is awake and please know we are fervently praying for you and those sweet cowboys of yours, all four of them (one big and three small), and that our prayers will not cease. Thank you for sharing your heart with us following and know you are never alone in the fight for there is an army in prayer surrounding you and you are so loved by us all! In Him, -Kristen for Cory, Riley and Peyton Davis

Liz said...

Allyson, I love your honesty and transparency. Those are traits I love in people. Thank you for sharing what's going on so I can keep praying for you!

Anonymous said...

For you, Beautiful one:

"All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish."
"Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all."
"For I am the Lord your God,
who takes hold of your right hand and says to you:
Do not fear, I will help you."
Isaiah 41:11,12,13

Anonymous said...

My heart is so heavy for you, yet I know God is on the throne and the game is NOT over. I want God to take the cancer away or at least have it shrink...is that asking to much? Know that i will continue to lift you up knowing and believing that God can make the darkness into light, take our sorrow and give us hope...May tomorrow be a brighter day. May He bless, encourage, strengthen, and empower you to Fight.

Stacey Green said...

You are a special person, Allyson. God is using you in a mighty way in the hearts of your children and in the hearts of your readers. I will continue to pray for the dreams and revelations that are coming to you so clearly right now. God is using that, too.

Anonymous said...

Thankful for no worse news but praying for even better news on March 5th. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and pray for you and your sweet family.
All my love,
H. Potter

Jill said...

So crazy - I was at that game! You sounded Amazing! We love you - hang in there.

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Anonymous said...

Dear Allyson: We've never met but I read your blog frequently. I am always amazed by your grace, your transparency, elegance and eloquence, but then I remember whose daughter you are, Ms Pat. I work with her at Sugar Creek and so I feel I know you through the fierce love she has for you and all four of your guys, the same love you have for them. It is that same fierce love you have for your three little cowboys & your husband. I also know who you are because your Father God is also my Father God. I pray that you will feel His strong but gentle arms surrounding your life and you. I pray for your total & complete healing.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I'm trying this again. I can only guess the Devil is trying to keep me from posting this. I have the overwhelming urge to ask you about shark cartilage. I did some looking before sending this and found an article on the American Cancer Society page. (http://m.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/complementaryandalternativemedicine/pharmacologicalandbiologicaltreatment/shark-cartilage) I don't normally do this but have determined I'm being lead to it to answer two prayers, one for you and mine (to be of use to Him when needed) Please look into this if you haven't yet. I have a couple ladies in my church that says this is His miracle for cancer. I will be praying for you and your cowboys. Much love from Oklahoma