Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Weight of Suffering

For four days now, I have hidden in the cocoon that is our bedroom, hunkered down beneath the raging storm of chemotherapy. I am sick. I am exhausted. The Caretakers tell me that at times I am hilarious. At one point yesterday, the cloud of nausea lifted enough that I actually felt hungry. I went to the kitchen and toasted an English muffin. Mom came in and asked what I was doing. I replied, "I'm just fixing myself a mid-morning snack." She laughed hard, because it was in fact 1:15 p.m. and morning had come and gone without me even knowing it!

I have been more out of it during this round of chemo than any other. I'm at the point now where if I could, I just might want to throw in the towel and forget the whole thing. Forget the nauseous, could-get-sick-at-any-minute feeling. Forget the ever-present disgusting taste in the back of my throat. Forget the leg pain that lingers and the endless supply of pharmaceuticals that are lined up in our bathroom cabinet. Forget the look on my Baby's face when he spotted the IV needle in my arm. Forget the bills pouring in and the incessant questions, poking, and prodding by strangers. FORGET CANCER.

But somewhere in the recesses of my clouded mind, a soft voice persists. It tells me to press on. It tells me that yes, I am definitely swimming in the deep now...deeper water than I've ever been in before. But that I am still safe. Just a little while longer. I am not treading water for nothing. That my name is engraved on the palm of His hand (Isaiah 49:16), and that those mighty hands can be trusted, even in the midst of my suffering.

The burden of suffering seems a tombstone hung about our necks, while in reality it is only the weight which is necessary to keep down the diver while he is hunting for pearls.
--Jean Paul Richter

10 comments:

Jennifer and Jason said...

Praying for you today!

bhayes11 said...

I know you must be very tired of all this but you are doing great and you are almost there - Hang in there!

Praying & trusting Him
Betty H

Sharon said...

Yes, listen to that voice. As long as it is telling you to press on, you listen. I'm so sorry for all the crap you have to put up with to press on but DO IT!! You will never regret the fight and fighting will say more to your boys than you know. They will surely see the amazing woman we see and appreciate your valiant effort. Then they will look for amazingly strong women just like you as their brides one day. It's an investment, really. (Ok, that last part was a joke. Pathetic, but an attempt anyway.)

Love you! Wish I was there to lift your arms for the battle. I'll do it in prayer.

Sharon said...

Yes, listen to that voice. As long as it is telling you to press on, you listen. I'm so sorry for all the crap you have to put up with to press on but DO IT!! You will never regret the fight and fighting will say more to your boys than you know. They will surely see the amazing woman we see and appreciate your valiant effort. Then they will look for amazingly strong women just like you as their brides one day. It's an investment, really. (Ok, that last part was a joke. Pathetic, but an attempt anyway.)

Love you! Wish I was there to lift your arms for the battle. I'll do it in prayer.

3 Girl Mommy said...

You are almost on the other side of that wide ocean and you are not treading water for nothing. Why God gave you and your entire family (and your friends) this journey to wade through, I will never fully understand. Through it all, you are showing your boys what it means to have FAITH, STRENGTH and COURAGE even if there are some days you just don't feel like you have any of those for a moment. God is holding you in His arms and there are so many of us who love you and are praying for you constantly. You're almost there, you can do it. I know you can! I love you, sweet friend!!!

bhayes11 said...

Your friends are so right - you are a wonderful influence on those boys. But not only them, you are an amazing influence on me and I'm sure everyone who reads your words. You are precious and one day you will look back and say it was so worth it!
Betty H

Caroline said...

Keep fighting my sweet, sweet friend! I love you to kindergarten and back!

wilsonfamily said...

We sang this church on Sunday and I thought of you.

"All is well with my soul
He is God in control
I know not all His plans
But I know I am in His hands"

Love you!!!

Lisa Buffaloe said...

Praying for you, sweet Allyson!

joven said...

hi, you have nice blog.. u can view also mine..http://akoniwares.blogspot.com