Thursday, July 10, 2008

Owner's Manual

Here's what's wrong with hospitals in America: any woman smart enough (or dumb enough, depending on your perspective) to get pregnant can wait 9 months, go to a hospital, and give birth to a baby. Then they just send you home with said baby and you are expected to care for, nurture, and raise the child into a self-sufficient, well-rounded, socially adept, law-abiding adult.

Children should come with owner's manuals.
And, based on my experience (particularly the last couple of days), that manual should include chapters on What To Do If Your Child....

1. ...Believes that he is a dog. He transports himself on all fours, he barks, he will not use silverware to get food from his plate to his mouth. He insists that you pet him.

2. ...Refuses to eat anything besides Kraft macaroni & cheese and dry cereal. Period.

3. ...Is traumatized by finding his pet guinea pig dead in her cage.

RIP, Ellie.

4. ...Sets off the fire alarm at church.

5. ...Prefers to sleep on the floor instead of in his own bed. For many nights in a row.

6. ...Asks hard questions about God, heaven, hell, sin, and salvation.

7. ...Thinks potty training is fine for other children, but not for him personally.

Maybe one day I'll write the manual and it will be standard for all new parents. Wish me luck.

7 comments:

3 Girl Mommy said...

I hear ya sister! When you write that manual, I'll be first in line to get it. Maybe we should co-write one so there is the boy section and the girl section because there are different issues there. Like wanting to wear the tutu over their clothing everywhere we go no matter how silly it looks...she didn't. You know me... :)
Poor Goliath though, so sad about Ellie the guinea pig. Sweet boy shouldn't have to deal with that

CRIM said...

could you also include:
What to do if your son....
1. pulls his mothers skirt down to her feet in the church hallway
2. takes his shirt off and pees on it when told he can't change into a new shirt
3. refuses to sleep the entire night in his own bed
4. likes to make sure we all know he's awake in the middle of the night by yelling "MAAAAAAMMMMMMAAAAAAA!!! at the top of his lungs at the top of the stairs until I respond
5. has decided that maybe he's not ready to see Jesus becuase then you would be DEAD
6. makes the habit of asking loudly in public places - "Hey Mama, why is the mean to God?" while hosting his middle finger high

really - could you just get right on that - becuase I need some help!!!!

geeding said...

i'm still trying to master that pottytraining thing myself

Clym Yeobright said...

I would say that you can ask my mom how she's still ALIVE after raising me, but she's probably locked all that away somewhere in a dark corner of her cerebellum. Apart from that, I hear that Nutella cures most of what ails you.

Momma Wolg said...

You are so funny! I agree though...we need one of those! I will get one when you finish, including the girl section by 3 girl mom since I have princess drama here. Who knew when we started this journey called parenthood that it was going to get much harder when they can crawl off the blanket and talk back. :)
Love ya!

The Horton Family said...

Set off the fire alarm? Uh Oh. Sleeps on the floor consecutively - I have two of those kids. Potty training - yeah, tough. God - God is Big. Good luck with that. Only eating Mac N cheese? Who can blame him? And acting like a dog eh? No biggee in the big scheme of things. :) I love you Allyson. I'm here for ya if you are in need. :) Oh, and RIP Ellie.

Leah said...

Good luck sweet girl! My personal parenting mantra is "This too, shall pass..." Repeat to self ad nauseum until the urge to run away passes...Love you!