The Second Verse

I grew up in a great church where the foundation was laid for my faith. I memorized Scripture there, I made lifelong friends there, and I learned to worship, particularly through music. Our church services had a healthy dose of hymns with a generous sprinkling of praise choruses, circa 1980s: "Majesty," "We Bring the Sacrifice of Praise," and "As the Deer" stand out in my mind. I still remember that "How Great Thou Art" was #2 in the hymnal.

We don't use that hymnal much these days. My kids are learning song lyrics from a screen in the worship center rather than the hymnal in the pew. In fact, I'm certain that that hymnal is not much more to them than a hard book to put under their children's bulletins that they work on during the sermon! And that makes me a little sad.

When I was growing up, sometimes I would get bored during the sermon. My mother suggested once that I listen carefully and write down all of the words I didn't understand. The only word I walked away with was "multitude," with a bunch of tally marks for every time the preacher said it. Sometimes I would pass the time reading the hymnal. Yes, I know it's kind of a dorky thing to do. But that opened my eyes to what I now consider to be often-overlooked treasures: the second verse. We always sing the first verse of a hymn, and often the third or fourth. But why not the second?

It's no wonder, then, that I was surprised in a good way as I was driving around town running errands with the radio on this week. "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" has a second verse that strikes my heart and meets me right where I am this Christmas:

And ye, beneath life's crushing load

Whose forms are bending low

Who toil along the climbing way

With painful steps and slow,

Look now! for glad and golden hours

Come swiftly on the wing

O rest beside the weary load

And hear the angels sing.

Every step I take feels painful and slow, and sometimes even backwards. Even my commitment to seek out joy this holiday season seems like a mountain in and of itself some days. I will gladly accept the invitation to leave my load beside the manger and listen to the angels sing.

And I will sing along...with my hymnal open.

Plan B

It's been a ho-hum sort of week--and it's only Tuesday. Some of my blah-ness comes from the fact that my eyelashes are falling out again. I've been watching them with suspicion for several days, but yesterday morning when I was putting on makeup I realized there weren't even enough there to justify mascara. I called my mom at 6:30 a.m. crying.

Now, I know that in the grand scheme of things, eyelashes don't matter. Hair won't get me to heaven. My husband won't judge the temperature of our relationship on whether or not I can flutter my eyelashes at him. The boys won't remember that Mommy's makeup looked different from other mommies. But to me, in the here and now, it matters. It suddenly seemed to matter even more after I questioned my chemo nurse about it, and she told me that there is a very real possibility that I could re-lose the hair on my head as well.

I recently read Plan B by Pete Wilson. A friend gave it to me and wrote inside the book that it was "a good read, probably one you could've written." BD, I'm sure you didn't mean for this book to tear me apart, but that's pretty much what happened. It's been a long time since a book has affected me to the degree that this one did. And I think it got to me because the premise of the whole book is this: What do you do when God doesn't show up for you in the way you thought He would? That question is one I've wrestled with for quite a while now.

I had lots of dreams and plans once upon a time. Those plans might have looked mundane and boring to some people, but for the most part, I've always known what I wanted from life. It was simple: I wanted to fall in love, get married, raise a family, and live happily ever after. Yes, I went to college, and yes, there are days that I think wistfully of that framed diploma gathering dust in a box in our garage. Some days I think I would rather run an office than a carpool, or I would like to make money instead of cookies. But my four guys remind me that I'm living my dream, and even on the hard days, I know I wouldn't trade it for anything.

In the summer of 2007, though, my little world came to a screeching halt with a cancer diagnosis. It had never occurred to me that I could become Wife and Mommy and then get sick. Since then, and especially this year, I have had to abandon my perfect Plan A for my life and accept Plan B. Plan B means that instead of giving my family homecooked meals every night, I am ordering more than my fair share of pizza. It means that some other kid's parent gets to share a new experience with my son because I can't go on his field trip. Plan B means that my Goliath frets like a little old man when he is away from me because he is fearful that something will happen and I won't come back. Under Plan B, my husband digs through a basket of wrinkled laundry to find clean clothes. I hate Plan B.

If I didn't feel like the cloud of cancer was hovering over me so closely, I might find it humorous that God allowed this to happen to me. Really, God? Me, of all people? The girl who despises change and upset in the order of things?

"Your dreams may not be happening, and things aren't turning out the way you expected, but that doesn't mean your life is spinning out of control. It just means you're not in control." (Wilson) Ouch. No doubt about it: I am definitely not in control here. I have spent much of the last 9 months asking God for a way out, begging Him for relief. I couldn't count the number of times I have said, "I just want my life back."

Ironic, huh? I have walked with Christ for most of my life, but when we came to this, THE thing, I misstepped. I allowed fear and anger and uncertainty to creep in too close, and I begged God to give me what wasn't mine to begin with. I gave my life to Him a long time ago. I promised my husband on our wedding day that I would do my best to love him in sickness and in health--why would I do less for my God?

This season of maintenance chemotherapy is hard. I fully expected that it would be much easier, both physically and emotionally, because--hey! I survived chemotherapy! The reality is far removed from my expectations. It still feels like chemo: I am tired, I'm taking LOTS of meds, I'm losing hair. The difference is that before, life was spinning around me, and now it is trying to sweep me along with it. A lot of days I feel like such a fake! On the outside, everything appears to be fine, but on the inside, I'm barely holding it together. What I know in my head doesn't match up with what I feel in my heart.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Andy Stanley: "Every day we have this choice to make. Am I going to define God by interpreting my circumstances or am I going to simply trust that God is who he says he is?"

My Plan B isn't at all what I expected, and certainly not what I wanted. But I think maybe I'm making it harder than it has to be by over-thinking. I might not ever know why God allowed this suffering. I'm not sure why it seems that He is silent at times when I need Him the most. Maybe it's time, though, for me to pull it together. "We're called to be faithful to God even when it seems he hasn't been faithful to us. We're called to love him even when we feel abandoned. We're called to look for him even in the midst of the darkness. We're called to worship him even though our tears." (Wilson)

When darkness veils His lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace.

In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenent, His blood, support me in the whelming flood.

When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay.

I choose to continue to look deeper and love more, trusting Him through my Plan B.

Out of Control

I'm a control freak. I am a fan of lists and schedules. Details are my friends. I like my calendar to be color-coordinated, and my shoes to always match my outfit. I pick out my kids' clothes for school, make a dinner menu for each week, and write a to-do list on my mirror with a dry erase marker. I would like my house to be tidy, but the reality of 3 little boys has changed that to "managebly messy." For the most part, chaos and calamity can take a hike as far as I'm concerned.

Knowing this about myself goes a long way in explaining something I am currently wrestling with. It goes without saying that my life has been turned upside down this year. Cancer waltzed right in and stole so much from me--my dignity, my hair, my stamina, my self esteem. I have fought hard, though, to preserve the things that are truly important: my character, my love, and especially my faith. No doubt that as I've walked this road--even though I absolutely did NOT want to--God has walked right alongside me. I have been helped and held by his hands. I have seen him, felt him, and heard him.

There have been times, though, when it seems that he has been silent. Days when I strained to hear his voice, and there was nothing. Times of darkness when I needed a touch from my Father, yet felt nothing. I look for him, but can only wonder, "Where is God?"

I wondered last Thursday while I sat in a chair watching toxic drugs drip into a vein in my arm. A very sick (and seemingly odd) old woman stared at me for 30 minutes while I did anything and everything to keep from meeting her gaze. "Where are you right now, Lord?"

I wondered yesterday when I made the connection that the little boy that Goliath had invited for a sleepover was the same classmate who three years ago found his father near death after he tried to commit suicide in their home. "Where were you then, Lord?"

I wondered this morning, knowing that my mother was having to explain to a group of 1st graders that their Sunday School teacher dropped dead from a heart attack on Friday night. "Where are you today, Lord?"

I am wondering tonight, even as I write this, while my cousin is keeping vigil in a hospital room beside the bed of her 3-year-old daughter, whose sudden and unexplained neuromuscular disorder may forever change their family. "Where are you tonight, Lord?"

Each of these instances brings to reality the very thing I fear: not being in charge. There is no way to tell you how much I wish cancer had never happened to me. I can't put words to the fierce tenderness and protection I felt for Goliath's friend. I can't show you the tears I cried for children I don't even know or express how seriously angry I felt when I told God, "It's not fair!", all the while asking him to heal little Ellia.

"I like control. I like to know where God is going, exactly what he is doing, the exact route of how we are getting there, and exactly when we will arrive. I also like to remind God of his need to behave in ways that fit with my clear ideas of him. For example, God is just merciful, good, wise, loving. The problem, then, is that God is beyond the grasp of every concept I have of him. He is utterly incomprehensible." --Peter Scazzero

But maybe the blessing is hiding within the "problem." God doesn't have to be bundled into a neat little box. He is God, after all. Perhaps I should spend less time waiting for him to work and move within the confines of what I want him to do and be, and start watching for him to work and move in ways that I would never expect. I don't have to understand everything; I only have to trust in his goodness.

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

Quotable Quotes, Part II

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."—C.S. Lewis

"The wizard says look inside yourself and find self. God says look inside yourself and find God. The first will get you to Kansas. The latter will get you to heaven."—Max Lucado

"Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway."--John Wayne

"Faith is believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse."--Philip Yancey

"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. I believe in love even when I do not feel it. I believe in God even when He is silent." — Inscribed on cellar walls during the Holocaust in Cologne, Germany

"You don't always have to chop with the sword of truth. You can point with it too."

—Anne Lamott

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."--Jim Elliot

"It takes so little to make a child happy that it is a pity, that in a world full of sunshine and pleasant things, that there should be any wistful faces, empty hands, or lonely little hearts."

--Jo in Little Men

"It is not what you think you are that holds you back; it's what you think you are not."

--Denis Waitley

"It will not bother me in the hour of death to reflect that I have been "had for a sucker" by any number of imposters but it would be a torment to know that one had refused even one person in need."--C.S. Lewis

“Unerring wisdom ordained your lot, and selected for you the safest and best condition. Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances. Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good.”

--Charles Haddon Spurgeon

"When did we start to believe God wants us to go safe places to do easy things?"

--Mark Batterson

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."--Albert Einstein

"When I start becoming the person God made me to be, I get to be me. I get to find out who that is and what that means and learn to be content with the unique things that have always been true, though long hidden by my sin. I get to enjoy the thumbprint of my maker that has long lain dormant instead of trying to be someone else. There is tremendous freedom in that."--Jon Acuff

"Patience is more than endurance. A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says, "I cannot stand any more." God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then he lets fly. Trust yourself in God's hands."

--Oswald Chambers

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."--Anais Nin

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."--Eleanor Roosevelt

"Who can so softly bind up the wounds of another as he who felt the same wound himself?"

--Thomas Jefferson

"If you're not content with what you have, you'll never be content with what you want."

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting."--Mother Teresa

"We know that children are a rejuvenating wellspring of love and wonder, and caring for them nurtures us as well as them. We know that our work results in more laughter, more discovery, more sleepovers, more birthdays, more cupcakes, more dances, more graduations and eventually more of us."--Dr. Robert Hickey

"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world."

--Mother Teresa

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity..."--Gilda Radner

"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!"–-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing...not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares."--Henri Nouwen

"God can never make us wine if we object to the fingers He uses to crush us with."

--Oswald Chambers

"Faith is to believe what you do not yet see. The reward of this Faith is to see what you believe."--Saint Augustine

Quotable Quotes

“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.”

--Frederick Buechner

"We are shocked by pain again and again; yet it characterizes our existence. None of us can avoid it. We can anesthetize pain, but we will neither fully experience this life nor celebrate the next without it."--Beth Moore

"God whispers to us in our joys, speaks to us in our conscience, and shouts to us in our pain."

--C.S. Lewis

"A man's spiritual health is exactly proportional to his love for God." --C.S. Lewis

”This is our predicament. Over and over again, we lose sight of what is important and what isn’t." --Epictetus

"Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see."--Corrie ten Boom

"Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the wrong. Sometime in life, you will have been all of these."

"If God were small enough to be understood, he would not be big enough to be worshipped."

--Evelyn Underhill

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one!'" --C.S. Lewis

"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy. "Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver is telling you? Who said anything about safe?' Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."--C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

"Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear; rather look to them with full hope that, as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. He is your Keeper. He has kept you hitherto. Hold fast to his dear hand, and he will lead you safely through all things; and, when you cannot stand, he will bear you in his arms." -- Saint Frances of Sales

"Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Grab life by the mane. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshipping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze a new trail. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away. Chase the lion." -- Mark Batterson

Today in Bible Study...

I asked for health that I might do great things,

I was given infirmity that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy,

I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men,

I was given weakness, that I might feel the need for God.

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life;

I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing I asked for, but everything I hoped for.

Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I am, among all men, most richly blessed.

Unknown Confederate Soldier

The Shack

I finished reading The Shack last night. It's taken me a while to work through it for 2 reasons: 1) I don't get a lot of quiet time for reading, and 2) It's deep. I could only read so much before I felt like I had to stop and take a few days to absorb the content before I could move on. But because it was deep, it was good. I realized by reading this book just how much I have settled down with God. I am comfortable--probably too comfortable. In spite of my personal encounters with the living God, I continue to perceive Him in a certain way and imagine all kinds of limits and parameters to how and when He might work or speak. I am challenged to think differently and to look for--no, to expect--God to show up. I want God to be Papa.

As a reader, I'm a notetaker. Many of my books have lines highlighted or notes in the margins. I like to go back and see what impacted me. Here are quotes from The Shack that affected me:

"Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

"You don't play a game or color a picture with a child to show your superiority. Rather, you choose to limit yourself so as to facilitate and honor that relationship. You will even lose a competition to accomplish love. It is not about winning and losing, but about love and respect."

"Mack realized that as much as he thought he knew Jesus, perhaps he didn't...not really. Maybe what he knew was an icon, an ideal, an image through which he tried to grasp a sense of spirituality, but not a real person."

"The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it, but you don't know it."

"Among the mysteries of a broken humanity, that too is rather remarkable; to learn, to allow change."

"So many believe that it is love that grows, but it is the knowing that grows and love simply expands to contain it. Love is just the skin of knowing."

"When I think of each of my children individually, I find that I am especially fond of each one."

"If you try to live this without me, without the ongoing dialogue of us sharing this journey together, it will be like trying to walk on the water by yourself. You can't! And when you try, however well-intentioned, you're going to sink."

"...just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."

"Love that is forced is no love at all."

"I am a verb. I am that I am. I will be who I will be. I am a verb! I am alive, dynamic, ever active, and moving. I am a being verb."

"The trouble with living by priorities is that it sees everything as a hierarchy, a pyramid...if you put God at the top, what does that really mean and how much is enough?...I don't just want a piece of you and a piece of your life. Even if you were able, which you are not, to give me the biggest piece, that is not what I want. I want all of you and all of every part of you and your day."

"An infinite God can give all of Himself to each of His children. He does not distribute Himself that each may have a part, but to each one He gives all of Himself as fully as if there were no others."--A.W. Tozer

"Forgiveness is not about forgetting, Mack. It is about letting go of another person's throat."

"If anything matters than everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again."

"Faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One who is leading."--Oswald Chambers

A Baby Changes Everything

Cancer Scare Timeline

THURSDAY MORNING: Went for a regular check-up with my oncologist. He determined that a combination of factors warranted testing to check for returning cancer. Did a blood test in the office and gave them the "best number to reach me at". Put on a brave face and tried to ignore the panic welling up inside.

THURSDAY AFTERNOON: Played with my kids. Wondered how I would tell them their mommy has cancer--again. Remembered the power of my miracle and realized that nothing is impossible with God.

FRIDAY MORNING: Stood in a circle of my friends and co-workers as they approached the throne boldly on my behalf. Cried. Looked around and was amazed to see so many of them in tears as well.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON: Received a call that the CA-125 was normal. Didn't really believe it because I had the same results in July '07, and they were wrong. Returned a call from the hospital and was surprised to be able to schedule the CT scan for the next morning.

SATURDAY MORNING: Dropped off a dozen donuts, a quart of chocolate milk, and my 3 boys at Shannon's house. Said a prayer thanking God for such a great friend and asking him to preserve her sanity while I was gone. Drove to the hospital. Spent 3 hours drinking barium, praying I wouldn't get sick, and doing the scan and x-rays. Left there relieved it was over and asking God for clear scans. Picked up my kids.

SATURDAY AFTERNOON: Went to see Madagascar 2. Fell asleep in Madagascar 2. Promised myself I'd go to bed early.

SUNDAY: Went to church. Hosted a playdate for Goliath. Tried hard to conquer Mount Laundry. Took a gift to a friend who just lost her mom. Got perspective. Took the boys to Awana.

MONDAY: Got a phone call: ALL CLEAR. Wept with relief and gratitude. Called my Hubby. Rejoiced together. Called everyone else. Got busy preparing to really celebrate Thanksgiving.

"When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:18-19

All I Need

I will lift my eyes to the hills--from whence comes my help?

My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to be moved;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Psalms 121:1-3

For I am the LORD your God,

who takes hold of your right hand

and says to you,

"Do not fear, I will help you."

Isaiah 41:13

Tidbits

*This weekend we are having Baby's birthday "party"--which will actually be a trip to the zoo with family (+ one friend) and a cake. He turns 3 next Tuesday. I am happy and sad at the same time...my Baby boy is growing up.

*After what seems like a very long time, God is talking to me. I'm sure God has been talking, it's just been a while since I listened intently. He's telling me to get still. Re-evalute. Get organized. Check out my priority list. Live fully. Love abundantly.

*The trees are FINALLY changing color! I love seeing orange, red, and yellow leaves.

*Every time I open the door to the utility room, clean laundry spills out. I don't mind washing and drying; it's the folding and putting away that are killing me.

*Goliath has strep throat and has missed two days of school this week. What kind of germs are floating around that 1st grade, anyway?!?!?

*At the urging of my friend and co-worker Danielle, I am reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. The title is a mouthful, but the content is right on target.

*We are now in Week 4 of Operation New Floor. Remember this? The new floor will be nice, but I am growing weary of the half-tile/half-concrete look.

*I wonder why some grown women feel the need to draw attention to themselves by being mean and petty to other people, creating a new pile of problems. Drama beyond junior high school is so unbecoming.

*I saw gas today for $1.99. I can't remember the last time I paid less than $2.00 per gallon.

*I had a dream last night that I woke up on Christmas morning and there was a can of refrigerated biscuits in my stocking. They were non-Pillsbury, ordinary buttermilk kind. What a letdown.

*I am baking pumpkin bread this afternoon. I love pumpkin bread.

*Yesterday I said to my #2 son, "I love you, Little Middle." He replied, "I love you too, babe."

What Matters

I know ya'll are waiting to hear about our trip and see pictures of the all-important First Day of School. That's coming, but tonight I have something else to share. It's simple, but much more important.

Today would have been my Grandad's 82nd birthday. Thinking that today would have been difficult for my grandmother, I made a point to call her. We chatted a while about this and that, and I just told her I had been thinking of her today more than usual. Gran acknowleged the significant date and told me that she had gone to the cemetery this morning. Know what else she said? "God's grace is sufficient to give us what we need. We just have to remember to ask for it. Tomorrow will be a better day."

Simple faith is great faith.

Happy Birthday, Grandad. I miss you.