Dwelling in the Desert, Part 1

There is a "travel challenge" making its way around Facebook. It lists the top 100 places you should visit, and then I suppose you see how much traveling you still ought to do before you die and you feel bad about it. I haven't done that challenge, but I carry a mental list of places I want to go: Italy and Jerusalem with my husband, Washington D.C. with my kids, London and New York with my mom and sister, Las Vegas with my friends. One place definitely not on my list is the desert. It's SO hot. Weird creatures live there. It's wide open and it's scary. I don't wanna go.

But somehow, I landed smack dab in the middle of a desert anyway. I had no intention of going there. It wasn't on my calendar or on my "to-do" list. I've been there for a while now. And I'm here to tell you that it is every bit as uncomfortable and unpleasant as I thought it might be.

My desert, of course, is a different sort than what comes to mind when you think "Sahara." My desert is emotional, a little bit physical, and very, very spiritual.

I woke up one Friday morning in February and I couldn't get out of bed. I wasn't sick, at least not physically. I cried for no reason. I could not bring myself to do the simple everyday things that make my world go round. I didn't cook. I didn't hang out with my boys. I didn't hang up clothes or run errands or drive the kids to activities or write lesson plans or call friends or wash my hair or anything. For three days I stayed in bed. It was the only place I felt safe. My sweet Hubby took over my responsibilities and allowed me that time to be sad and scared. On Monday, I knew that I had to get back to life whether I felt like it or not. I also knew that my heart was sick and that I needed help.

I found help with a Christian counselor who I've been seeing for several months. At our first meeting, she just let me talk. Well, to be honest, she asked me a bunch of questions that I answered honestly but quickly. See, I have a "safe zone" when it comes to talking about myself and especially when asking for help. My husband, my parents, and a few close friends are in the zone. Pouring out my deepest thoughts to a total stranger took my anxiety level through the roof. Telling her about everything was unbelievably hard.

"Everything" includes, but is certainly not limited to The Sickness and how it has turned my life 100% upside down. (There are other issues, of course, that are ongoing and un-blog-able.) Cancer came out of nowhere and knocked me down to the ground. Then, just when I was getting my second wind and was trying to move on, it took me down again. It moved on, but I believe that it is just temporary. Now I know that it is after me and that I can be blindsided at any time. It takes an enormous amount of effort to pretend that I'm fine, to act normal, to keep my worry and sorrow to myself, and most of all, to protect my family. Basically, I am killing myself trying to control something that I have absolutely no control over whatsoever. And, in the back of my mind and in the deepest part of my heart, there is a little nagging voice saying, "Where is God?"

For the first time in my entire life, I couldn't find Him.

"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?" (Ps. 10:1)

Happy Birthday, Little Middle!

Dear Little Middle,

March 25, 2004 was a Thursday. It was a beautiful, sunny spring day. Signs of new life--promises of bright new beginnings--were all around me. That day started like any other day, but by the time the sun set on that Thursday evening, I had a new beginning of my very own: I had you in my arms.

I have, for the most part, adored The Year You Were Seven. The difference I see in you from your last birthday to this one is extraordinary! You have done quite a bit of growing this year, small sir. If we still kept up with that growth chart the way I did when you boys were little, I wouldn't be surprised to see that you've added a good three or four inches. And I won't even talk about your shoe size here...

Your body isn't the only part of you that has grown. The most important decision you will ever make happened this year. Just a couple of months ago, you realized that you needed Jesus, and you invited Him to be your Savior. What a sweet moment that was! I will forever count myself privileged to have been by your side when you prayed that life-changing prayer. The enthusiasm you showed in the days following your decision were life-altering for me. There's no way you could have known it, but your spark touched a place deep inside of me that was hurting and dark. You see, I was close to your same age when I chose Jesus. I've loved Him for as long as I can remember, but I don't always understand Him...especially lately. Your fresh faith reminded me that my own faith doesn't have to be complicated, and that love is enough.

Many family members came to our church to see you and Goliath be baptized together. Precious, precious day that I will treasure in my heart for the rest of my days. You were so careful going down the steps into the water because you had been warned that it could be slippery. Goliath was practically on his way to heaven before you got into the baptistery!

And speaking of your big brother...While we enjoyed your birthday muffins this morning, we were laughing about how the novelty of you wore off on Goliath after just a couple of weeks. At age 2, he quickly moved from being proud of his little brother to trying to get rid of you by dragging your infant seat out into the front yard. Hmmmm....it's funny how some things don't change much. You're growing up and your relationships with your brothers are sometimes tumultuous, and sometimes hilarious. You are the only one in this household who has to master the arts of being both a little and a big brother, and you know what? No one else could be better suited for it. It's tough at times, but you're doing a great job.

Another thing I've loved watching this year is how you've developed your friendships. I worried so much that our move to our new house (and subsequently, your new school) would adversely affect your friendships. Silly me. You've managed to make new friends and keep up with your old ones. You told me recently, "Mom, there are two popular kids in my class." I asked you who they were, and you said, "Well, one is definitely me. The other one is just some girl." Then I had the audacity to ask you how you knew that you are popular at school. You replied with exasperation, "Because kids fight to sit next to me at lunch." Duh.

Funny thing is, I believe you.

You still love Legos. Your new goal is to build something awesome enough to get you recognized in the Lego magazine. The Lego city that you built won't fit into your Lego closet (you're the only kid I know who has a whole closet dedicated to Legos, by the way), so it remains in the game room. I just vacuum around it.

You like video games when the mood strikes you. You LOVE to ride your bike and you are getting quite good at skateboarding. You want to be outside as much as possible. You eat Toaster Strudels for breakfast every day. I let you not because I'm a good mom, but just because they make you so happy.

Do you want to know what my favorite part of the day is? It's when I tuck you in to bed at night. You might be growing up, but every single night you still raise up your hands to me and simply say, "Hug." Those hugs mean the world to me, Little Middle. You might not fit in my arms quite like you did on our first night together, but there will always be plenty of room for you in my arms and in my heart.

Your hugs and your smile are the light of my life. Happy Birthday, sweet boy.

Love,

Mom

At the Heart of the Matter

At bedtime...

Baby: Mommy, I am worried about you.

Me: What are you worried about?

Baby: I am worried that you don't feel good.

Me: Baby, Mommy is fine right now. Do you mean you are worried that I will get sick again?

Baby: Yes. I feel sad about that, Mom.

This is just one of the things that burdens my heart right now. But it is by far the heaviest: the fear that follows us--even the smallest of us--everywhere we go.

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will the enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God." Psalm 13:2-3

We're Not Having Chicken and Dumplings for Dinner

The bullet briefing format isn't my best blogging, but I dare you to read it. You'll soon understand why this is the way it has to be.

*On Valentine's Day, I had been at work for all of three minutes when Goliath called me from the school nurse's office to tell me she thought he had pink eye and I needed to come pick him up.

*Was the nurse really so busy at 8:13 a.m. that she couldn't call me herself?

*I left work, drove back to the elementary school, fetched my son, dropped him off at home, and zoomed back to work. Yes, I left him home alone, and yes, I felt guilty about it.

*I also felt guilty about leaving preschool at 12:30 to take him to the doctor, but that was before I noticed that all preschool parents must have fed their 4-year-olds Valentine candy for breakfast.

*The classic-flavored Sweetheart candies are gross. Who wants to eat a banana-flavored heart with a corny suggestive saying on it? I much prefer the SweetTart hearts.

*A doctor visit confirmed pink eye.

*I asked the P.A. to make sure that she sent Goliath's prescription to our "new" Walgreens instead of the one by our old house. I sure didn't want to drive the three whole extra miles across town to get his eye drops! Then when I went to pick up the scrip, wouldn't you know that our "new" store was out of stock and the only Walgreens in the area that had it was--you guessed it--the one right by our old house.

*Administering eye drops to a ten-year-old is not much different from giving them to a toddler. He squeezes his eye shut at the last second every. single. time.

*I am in desperate need of a good hair color and cut.

*This morning I woke up honestly believing today was Saturday. What a letdown.

*I couldn't figure out why I would set my alarm for 5:15 on a Saturday, so I just turned it off and went back to sleep.

*Obviously, my morning didn't go well.

*I was so frazzled by it not being Saturday, the 'tude I got from my son, another son's missing pants, and the school lunch menu calling for turkey and bean nachos (really, LISD?), that I forgot to take my breakfast with me when I left for work.

*The only thing worse than that is that I realized later that I also failed to put dinner in the crock pot. Instead of chicken and dumplings, we ate scrambled eggs tonight.

*My Buck went to see an oral surgeon today. My mom sent me a pic of him in the chair. Not only is he SO cute, but he was wearing his Team Allyson bracelet.

*Confessions of a bad mom: Sometimes (like today) I will stay to "observe" Goliath's jiu jitsu class just so I can sit still for a little while and do nothing.

*More and more, I am noticing that Abby Dog can't hear very well. Today I walked in the house and she didn't even know I was there until I rubbed her ears.

*I think that all the preschool parents fed their four-year-olds leftover Valentine candy for breakfast today.

*I am seriously thinking about getting one of those "Children At Play" signs to set up by our house. We live on a corner lot, and people need to slow down.

*I let a roofer guy inspect our roof so we can get an estimate on damage from recent hail storms. I thought it was a good thing to do; Hubby said I should never do that again without talking to him first. I guess I should be more picky about who I let climb on our roof.

*Gus the Terrible made me SO MAD yesterday. If he busts through the back door one more time after it rains I swear that I am going to strap wet Swiffer pads to his paws and make him mop the floor.

*I stayed home with Goliath last night while everyone else went to church. I was pulling a few weeds in the front yard and I unearthed a Batman figurine, two Hot Wheel cars, a mangled Lego piece, and two worms.

*After lamenting to my sweet neighbor about my unfortunate day, I sent her this text a while ago: "And now, for my last trick of the day, I am going to breathe deeply so I don't kill the child who took a plate of ketchup out of the kitchen and dropped it on the stairs. Stupid day."

*Writing sentences is an effective punishment for one of our kids.

*Another one of our boys lost the privilege of hanging out with his buddy after school for three days. On the second day, the buddy came to the door and asked me if he could please, please come out to play because "I don't have anything else to do." Talk about guilt trip.

*I still said no, because that's just the kind of week it's been.

Good News!

"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9

Tonight I held Little Middle's hand and listened with a full heart as he asked Jesus to be the Savior of his life. Welcome to the forever family, precious boy. Jesus and Mommy love you very, very much.

Bullet Briefing

*Blogging has taken a backseat on my priority list lately. These bullet points are all I can muster, I'm afraid.

*A 36-hour trip to Houston last week resulted in clean scans. The anxiety leading up to that trip can not be accurately described except to tell you that I was popping Xanax like candy. The relief I felt after the trip is equally indescribable.

*I flew Southwest for my trip. Not only was I "randomly selected" for extra security measures (read: You might be a terrorist, so we are going to humiliate you in front of hundreds of strangers.), but one of my shoes fell out of the bin when it went through the x-ray machine. While standing on one foot so as not to contaminate my bare foot, I summoned an officer for help. She had to stop the conveyor belt, hold up the line, and climb up on to the belt to retrieve my missing shoe.

*God gave me this verse on the day I went to M.D. Anderson: "You, O Lord, are a shield around me. You are my glory, and the lifter of my head." Psalm 3:3

*While I was lying on the table during my test, trying not to freak out, I was reciting that verse over and over to myself. Halfway through the test, the little tech man entered the room and said to me, "You're doing great. Now for the next part I need to put this shield over you." I started to cry. He looked puzzled, and I suppose he thought I didn't understand. He said, "It's okay, ma'am. The shield is for protection." I know, sir. I know.

*I had several hours to kill between tests, so my mom and I left the hospital and went over to Hermann Park to ride the train. It's been 20+ years since I did that! I loved it just as much as a grown woman as I did when I was a little girl.

*My dad comes to M.D. Anderson when I meet with my doctor to get test results. In the absence of my Hubby, who is home taking care of our cowboys, I feel very safe. It takes a good man to sit in the gynecological oncology waiting room.

*Our Sunday School class came over to our house last weekend and we played Headbanz. Just because it says "5 and up" on the box doesn't mean adults can't play.

*Some people look more foolish than others wearing Headbanz cards on their heads.

*I am learning how to play Mexican train. Hubby has never played before in his life, and when we played with friends, he won. I don't know how he pulled that off.

*Baby read "Goodnight, Moon" to me at bedtime the other night. It made me cry.

*Baby read "Old Hat, New Hat" to me last night. He wants to practice so he can take it to school and read it in front of his class.

*The boys now have assigned seats in my car. They drive me crazy sometimes.

*I thought it would be nice of me to volunteer to take a turn hosting Little Middle's cub scout den meeting. Two things I have to say about that: the den leaders are saints, and we will probably never do it again.

*As soon as the last scout was out the door, I put on my slippers and went next door for a girls' night in. My darling neighbor was generous with her wine and her company, and I immediately felt better. Especially when I saw that her refrigerator AND her stove were in her living room due to kitchen remodeling. It's the only time that my house will ever be tidier than hers.

*Baby is sitting next to me right now singing "Dynamite."

*Little Middle raced a car in his first pinewood derby. It didn't go that well. :(

*I bought my unborn niece her first pair of shoes today and a bib that says "I Love My Auntie." Indeed she will.

*My mom, my sister, my SIL, and I are planning a girls' trip for the first part of Spring Break. Can. Not. Wait.

*I miss my grandparents.

*My co-teacher and I hosted a "Pre-K Preview" day last week in our classroom for parents who are considering sending their children to us next year. All things considered, I think it went well.

*Cotton candy was invented in 1904 and used to be called fairy floss. Thank you, Food Network.

*Hubby plays Words With Friends with my aunt, and he is in awe of her WWF skillz.

*My dad and my uncle are going to the Master's. I am so happy for my daddy, because he will get to check something off of his bucket list.

*I think I really want to see "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close." Then again, I am a little scared to see it.

*The boys and I watch "Call of the Wildman" every week together. If you haven't seen it, you should catch it on Animal Planet. There is nothing more backwoods than the Turtle Man.

*I am learning that I can't protect the people I love from other people who might hurt them, and that hurts me.

*Some mornings I play Phil Joel's "Good Morning" to wake the boys up for school. One morning, Little Middle rolled over and growled at me, "I would rather put SCISSORS in my EARS than listen to you sing this song to me!!!!" Every time I think of him saying that, I giggle.

*Last weekend Goliath cleaned out my car, including vacuuming. Five days later, I spilled a whole cup of coffee in there and had to get the upholstery professionally cleaned.

*I have had fun lately downloading new fonts to use with my Word documents. So nerdy.

*I think about what it would be like if I die. Not for me, but for my family. I go back and forth on whether I would want Hubby to remarry. I certainly want him--all of them--to be happy, but I don't like the thought that I could be replaced.

*I am an emotional eater.

*My bed is the most comfy place in the whole world.

*I got tall black boots for Christmas, and I love them!

*Someone told me the other day that I am well-dressed. I don't know about that, but I appreciated the compliment.

*Hubby changed his ringer on his phone. Now when I call him, his phone plays "Pretty Woman." Aw.

*Sometimes I listen to the song "How He Loves Us" by the David Crowder Band, and I am overwhelmed. If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

Family Photo Shoot

Me and all my guys.

Brothers! This is my favorite picture of the three of them EVER.

I'm proud of the house we've built.

Goliath, age 10

Little Middle, age 7

Baby, age 6

*Credit for making the five of us look better than what we are goes to my friend PandaMom. Her talent and creativity gave me these treasures!*