Bullet Briefing

*Blogging has taken a backseat on my priority list lately. These bullet points are all I can muster, I'm afraid.

*A 36-hour trip to Houston last week resulted in clean scans. The anxiety leading up to that trip can not be accurately described except to tell you that I was popping Xanax like candy. The relief I felt after the trip is equally indescribable.

*I flew Southwest for my trip. Not only was I "randomly selected" for extra security measures (read: You might be a terrorist, so we are going to humiliate you in front of hundreds of strangers.), but one of my shoes fell out of the bin when it went through the x-ray machine. While standing on one foot so as not to contaminate my bare foot, I summoned an officer for help. She had to stop the conveyor belt, hold up the line, and climb up on to the belt to retrieve my missing shoe.

*God gave me this verse on the day I went to M.D. Anderson: "You, O Lord, are a shield around me. You are my glory, and the lifter of my head." Psalm 3:3

*While I was lying on the table during my test, trying not to freak out, I was reciting that verse over and over to myself. Halfway through the test, the little tech man entered the room and said to me, "You're doing great. Now for the next part I need to put this shield over you." I started to cry. He looked puzzled, and I suppose he thought I didn't understand. He said, "It's okay, ma'am. The shield is for protection." I know, sir. I know.

*I had several hours to kill between tests, so my mom and I left the hospital and went over to Hermann Park to ride the train. It's been 20+ years since I did that! I loved it just as much as a grown woman as I did when I was a little girl.

*My dad comes to M.D. Anderson when I meet with my doctor to get test results. In the absence of my Hubby, who is home taking care of our cowboys, I feel very safe. It takes a good man to sit in the gynecological oncology waiting room.

*Our Sunday School class came over to our house last weekend and we played Headbanz. Just because it says "5 and up" on the box doesn't mean adults can't play.

*Some people look more foolish than others wearing Headbanz cards on their heads.

*I am learning how to play Mexican train. Hubby has never played before in his life, and when we played with friends, he won. I don't know how he pulled that off.

*Baby read "Goodnight, Moon" to me at bedtime the other night. It made me cry.

*Baby read "Old Hat, New Hat" to me last night. He wants to practice so he can take it to school and read it in front of his class.

*The boys now have assigned seats in my car. They drive me crazy sometimes.

*I thought it would be nice of me to volunteer to take a turn hosting Little Middle's cub scout den meeting. Two things I have to say about that: the den leaders are saints, and we will probably never do it again.

*As soon as the last scout was out the door, I put on my slippers and went next door for a girls' night in. My darling neighbor was generous with her wine and her company, and I immediately felt better. Especially when I saw that her refrigerator AND her stove were in her living room due to kitchen remodeling. It's the only time that my house will ever be tidier than hers.

*Baby is sitting next to me right now singing "Dynamite."

*Little Middle raced a car in his first pinewood derby. It didn't go that well. :(

*I bought my unborn niece her first pair of shoes today and a bib that says "I Love My Auntie." Indeed she will.

*My mom, my sister, my SIL, and I are planning a girls' trip for the first part of Spring Break. Can. Not. Wait.

*I miss my grandparents.

*My co-teacher and I hosted a "Pre-K Preview" day last week in our classroom for parents who are considering sending their children to us next year. All things considered, I think it went well.

*Cotton candy was invented in 1904 and used to be called fairy floss. Thank you, Food Network.

*Hubby plays Words With Friends with my aunt, and he is in awe of her WWF skillz.

*My dad and my uncle are going to the Master's. I am so happy for my daddy, because he will get to check something off of his bucket list.

*I think I really want to see "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close." Then again, I am a little scared to see it.

*The boys and I watch "Call of the Wildman" every week together. If you haven't seen it, you should catch it on Animal Planet. There is nothing more backwoods than the Turtle Man.

*I am learning that I can't protect the people I love from other people who might hurt them, and that hurts me.

*Some mornings I play Phil Joel's "Good Morning" to wake the boys up for school. One morning, Little Middle rolled over and growled at me, "I would rather put SCISSORS in my EARS than listen to you sing this song to me!!!!" Every time I think of him saying that, I giggle.

*Last weekend Goliath cleaned out my car, including vacuuming. Five days later, I spilled a whole cup of coffee in there and had to get the upholstery professionally cleaned.

*I have had fun lately downloading new fonts to use with my Word documents. So nerdy.

*I think about what it would be like if I die. Not for me, but for my family. I go back and forth on whether I would want Hubby to remarry. I certainly want him--all of them--to be happy, but I don't like the thought that I could be replaced.

*I am an emotional eater.

*My bed is the most comfy place in the whole world.

*I got tall black boots for Christmas, and I love them!

*Someone told me the other day that I am well-dressed. I don't know about that, but I appreciated the compliment.

*Hubby changed his ringer on his phone. Now when I call him, his phone plays "Pretty Woman." Aw.

*Sometimes I listen to the song "How He Loves Us" by the David Crowder Band, and I am overwhelmed. If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

Family Photo Shoot

Me and all my guys.

Brothers! This is my favorite picture of the three of them EVER.

I'm proud of the house we've built.

Goliath, age 10

Little Middle, age 7

Baby, age 6

*Credit for making the five of us look better than what we are goes to my friend PandaMom. Her talent and creativity gave me these treasures!*

Goliath Turns 10

Dear Goliath,

You are double digits today! Ten years ago today, my dream came true when I became a mommy. When the nurse handed me that sweet blue bundle with the gloworm eyes, I literally stopped breathing for a moment. I will never forget that as I held you for the first time, it was as if time stood still. It was just you and me. You looked so intently at me I felt as if I were being interviewed for the job of being your mother. The commotion of the medical staff and even our excited family became background noise as the two of us got to know each other. We were made to be together, you know...

And now, ten years later, here we are. We live just a few miles from that hospital where you gave me the most important job of my life. Every time we drive by there, I remember January 2, 2002, and how much richer I was after I left there than when I went in.

You, my boy, are an adventure. My life has changed in every possible way since you entered it on that wonderful day, and yet I feel as if we have always been together. I think that's the way God made moms and their sons to feel. Being your mom is like riding a tall, fast loop-to-loop roller coaster--the kind that makes you laugh out loud even though you're terrified of what comes next. You make me laugh. Oh Lordy--don't we laugh a lot? Just last night when I was trying to have a conversation with your brother about New Year's resolutions, you popped in and said, "I thought a resolution was a kind of war." And then you popped back out of the room, and left me and your dad snorting with laughter. You crack me up when you assign made-up statistics to everything--like "How many people in the world believe in God? Probably about 52%, right, Mom?" and other random, less-meaningful "facts." You make me laugh when you try to act like you're asleep, because I know that as soon as I tickle your armpits you are going to jump out of bed and try to get away.

Mothering is not for the faint of heart. No, sir. You showed me more than once this year that I need to step it up in the bravery department because you are NOT such a little boy anymore. This summer you went off to camp with Nana's church, quite happily, I might add. You and Jacob never looked back, even as Ms. Lisa and I were calling for just one more hug. How did we get to a place where you can go away for a week and not need me?!? And what about that jiu jitsu tournament? I'm glad you were so focused on your fight, because then you couldn't see me alternately biting my fingernails and jumping up and down like a crazed maniac. I could hardly stand to see my baby out there...but I sure did love the smile on my baby's face with that big medal around his neck!

In fact, if anyone around here is brave, it's you. Remember the first day of 4th grade? I honestly didn't know if I could leave you in that new school that day because my heart hurt so much. But you put on the bravest smile I've ever seen and reported back that your day was great! I know you worry about a lot of things--you're like me in that way, I'm afraid--but you always try your best in spite of your fear.

We have a ton of fun together, but you also manage to strike fear in my heart more than any other person (although your two brothers are right behind you). When you were just a sweet blue bundle, I felt a heavy weight of responsibility to care for you. I still feel that, just in a different way. You don't need me to feed you or dress you anymore, but at age 10, things are a'changin'. You seem to think that you are much more grown-up than you really are. (Tell me again why you think you need a cell phone?!?) Do your old mom this favor: Let me help you. Let's talk about stuff, OK? Let me protect you and fight for you and struggle through long division with you. You're not a teenager yet, so don't act like one. Ask the hard (or embarrassing) questions, and expect honest answers. Accept other ideas and even criticism when it is delivered with love--and you know it always is. It is my job to make sure that you have all the tools you need to be the best you that God created you to be, and He created you to be AMAZING.

On the night of January 2, 2002, when it was just you, Daddy, and me in that hospital room, my heart was so full of joy that I thought I could burst. Today I feel that same way. You are my joy boy. I love you with everything that I am. Happy Birthday, Buddy.

Love,

Mom

Miracle to Miracle

I accomplished--and learned--a lot in 2011. In the last 12 months, I:

--fulfilled a life dream and met Mary Poppins.

--sought and found help at M.D. Anderson.

--finished a year's worth of chemotherapy and Avastin treatments.

--moved into my perfect house. How I love it here!

--mourned the loss of two precious unborn babies.

--went to about a thousand little boy birthday parties.

--sweltered through the hottest summer EVER.

--continued to study, learn, and grow with my Tuesday Sisters.

--grew my hair back!

--made some new friends in our neighborhood and through the boys' school.

--realized that mothering is not for the faint of heart when Goliath went to camp for a week and later competed in a martial arts tournament.

--went hunting with my man. After 13 years of marriage, it's about time.

--tolerated and even learned to love Gus the Terrible.

--found my inner crafter and spent a lot of time and money at Hobby Lobby.

--discovered Pinterest.

--buried a deceased bunny rabbit and welcomed our guinea pigs' love child into our menagerie.

--went to Disney World, the circus, and a snake farm.

"To be alive, to be able to see, to walk...it's all a miracle. I have adopted the technique of living life from miracle to miracle." --Arthur Rubinstein

New Year's Eve is not really a big deal to us. We used to try to stay up late to watch the ball drop; now we're too old and have too many kids to care. When I wake up in the morning, 2012 will have begun. I won't eat black-eyed peas, I won't hum "Auld Lang Syne", and I won't make resolutions. Instead, I will begin tomorrow like I begin every morning: choosing to LIVE my life. Not too many people get the opportunity that I have had to examine life and re-discover what is truly important. Every single day that I wake up is a miracle. Every experience, every encounter, every minute...miracles. Instead of making temporary resolutions, I want to make one permanent promise to myself: I will recognize my life's miracles and soak them up. I will make the most of what I've been given to be the best me that I can be.

Here's to a 2012 full of grace and love...Happy New Year!

Fancy Free

Last night I had the distinct privilege of stepping outside my usual circle to attend our church's annual high school girls' winter retreat. Mind you, I elected not to retreat overnight. I am far too old and grouchy to sleep on the floor in a room full of giggling girls. I chose instead to spend the evening with them and then retreated myself right into the comfort of my own bed. The story of how I came to attend the retreat is fun: my cousin, who is a fun-filled, Spirit-led, unique-in-all-ways Bible teacher, called me up last week and said, "Hey! I am teaching at this girls' retreat at a church that I think is pretty close to you. Could I spend the night at your house?" Turns out that it was MY church! We have both been surprised, I think, to discover how many mutual acquaintances we have--it's a small world, after all.

The theme of the retreat was "Fancy Free." The thought of trying to communicate what freedom in Christ truly looks like to a room filled with 9th-12th grade girls is SO intimidating to me, but Christina and the other leaders made it look easy. It is good that I recognize that my God-given talents lie in the 4-year-old realm and not with 14-year-olds. I really enjoyed being able to sit back and participate in meaningful worship and absorb some sound Bible teaching. The theme Scripture is in Matthew 6: 25-34. Here it is from The Message translation:

"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds. Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion--do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers--most of which are never even seen--don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

So here's what I learned. Or more accurately, here's what I was gently reminded of:

1--I was created purposefully, lovingly, and carefully by THE God of the universe. He crafted me for his pleasure. He delights in me. He cares for me. Tiny sparrows and unseen wildflowers have everything they need. If the Creator cares enough about those little flowers to give them lovely colors and perfect designs, why in the world do I insult him by not believing that his design for me is perfect as well? I am so accustomed to my norm--my day to day, ordinary being, that I allow myself to become settled. I play a lot of different roles in this life: I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister. I am a friend, a teacher, a neighbor. These are all good and accurate descriptions of me. But none of these descriptions necessarily defines me. Yes, I am Mommy to the 3 little cowboys. What if I let that be the thing that defined my life? I would be left with pieces missing, because I was created to be more than just that. There is a universe of possibility out there, and my Jesus wants me to make the most of every chance I have to be the best me that I can be.

2--I can't be free if I don't trust Him. I mean, really really trust. Trust in the sense that I will go anywhere, do anything, give everything...all for Him. Trust in the sense that I am willing--no, EXCITED--to jump into the great unknown if He calls me to, because it never occurs to me that He won't be there to catch me. I can, and should, look for ways to demonstrate His love and glory in the middle of disaster and crisis simply because he is faithful and trustworthy. I am safe as long as I am with my Lord.

I love 4-year-olds. But it was a nice change of pace to go deeper and let my heart be penetrated by the sword of the Spirit. I will be seeking ways to live in God-reality. I don't have to worry. I can relax and be me. What a good God!

Glory Baby

Dear Baby,

A little while back, your mommy called me to tell me that you were coming. I had been waiting for that phone call for a while--almost since the day your mom and dad got back from their honeymoon! We cried happy tears and I may have even screamed and jumped up and down a little bit. The happy news of you spread quickly.

A few weeks ago, your mommy called me again. This call was as heartbreaking as the first was joyful. She said that she had been to see her doctor to check up on you, and that you had stopped growing and your heart was no longer beating. Just as quietly as you entered our lives, you left.

Your mommy has been my friend for most of my life. I usually refer to her as "my Caroline" around here, and everyone--even people who have never met her--knows who I am talking about. She is my most special friend. As an extension of her, you would have been the most special baby.

I imagine that you might not have had your mom's curls, but you would have had a touch of her red hair. I think that you might have had amazing bright eyes like your daddy and a huge smile like your mommy's. I like to think that you would have loved me intensely. You could have come to my house during the summers, and we would have baked cookies and played with the cowboys. They would have loved you so much!

So many people already loved you...your mommy and daddy, of course. Your grandma and grandpa. Me. You were a long-awaited answer to a heartfelt prayer. We all miss you. Your mommy is such a great lady, and she will be a wonderful mom. But Baby, no matter what, you will always be hers. She is walking through these sad days of missing you by claiming this verse:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

My Caroline's heart desire is to be a mommy. Even though losing you isn't at all what she wanted, there is no denying that by your very existence you made her dream come true.

I hope that, even in your brief life, you felt love. You brought love to our lives, and because of you, we will never be the same. Someday we will see you again, and then your mommy will get to be with you forever. I love you, Glory Baby.

Love,

Auntie Allyson

Glory Baby--Christy Nockels

Glory baby, you slipped away as fast as we could say baby...baby

You were growing, what happened dear?

You disappeared on us, baby...baby

Heaven will hold you before we do

Heaven will keep you safe until we're home with you,

Until we're home with you.

Miss you every day

Miss you in every way

But we know there's a day

when we will hold you, we will hold you.

You'll kiss our tears away

When we're home to stay

Can't wait for the day when we will see you,

We will see you.

But baby, let sweet Jesus hold you

til mom and dad can hold you

You'll just have heaven before we do

You'll just have heaven before we do.

Sweet little babies, it's hard to understand it

'cause we're hurting,

We are hurting

But there is healing

And we know we're stronger people through the growing

And in knowing

That all things work together for our good

And God works his purposes just like he said he would

Just like he said he would

I can't imagine heaven's lullabies

and what they must sound like

But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home

And it's all you'll ever know, it's all you'll ever know....

30 Days of Thankfulness--Day 30

Day 30: I am thankful that I have so much to be thankful for. It may sound a little silly, but this month I have been intentional about counting my blessings, and I have not once found it difficult to be grateful. What I have, who I'm with, where I live...these are the blessings that God has poured out on me. My life is a testament to His goodness. I don't deserve anything at all, but He is the giver of all good things.