Update

Two days before we went to camp, my Plan B oncologist (the one I see when/if I can't get to MDA in Houston) discovered a suspicious spot during a routine follow-up physical exam.  He actually referred to it as a "nodule", which I think in medical speak covers a multitude of possibilities.  Today I had a CT-guided biopsy of that nodule so we can find out what it is and what to do about it.  The procedure went well, except for the part when the radiologist told me that there were several spots of concern.  I might have panicked except for two things:  1.  I knew that God is in control of everything, however many nodules there may be, and 2.  The sedation meds kicked in just when the doctor finished his last sentence. 

The radiology report will be completed within 24 hours, but the pathology results will take a couple of days.  I plan to meet with my doctor on Thursday morning to get those results.

Friends and strangers alike are praying faithfully for favorable results, and I am grateful.   

"When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You."  Psalm 56:3

Heavy

The three little cowboys and I are at kids' camp with our church this week.  The people, the worship, and the teaching are fantastic.  The food is questionable; the weather is hot.  Both of those were to be expected.
On this day, my heart is heavy.  Precious leaders in our church who I have been privileged to count among my friends moved halfway across the country to serve another church just weeks ago.  This morning their fourth child, a daughter, was born.  Baby Blake has a severe heart malfunction and she remains in critical condition, her hours-old life hanging in the balance. 
My cousin is the mother to a darling five-year-old girl who suffers from a rare muscular disease.  Her enzyme levels skyrocketed today, and she has been admitted to the hospital.  Each "episode" that Ellia has is life-threatening.
I had a regularly-scheduled CT scan a couple of weeks ago.  I received an "all clear," only to have the doctor and radiologist re-read the film and find a small mass.  I will have a biopsy done on Monday to determine what it is and what to do about it.
There is another situation happening within my home that is too large and too hard to put out there just yet.  I am in a place that is isolating and terribly frightening.  My three boys are why I get out of bed each morning and give it my best, in spite of my fear.
Crippling fear.
And then, in a worship service in the middle of nowhere surrounded by hundreds of children, God gave me a song.  He promises to do that, you know:  "He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."  Psalm 40:3

I am begging him for favor and mercy for myself, and for those who are close to my heart.  He is able, and He is good.

Dwelling in the Desert, Part 1

There is a "travel challenge" making its way around Facebook. It lists the top 100 places you should visit, and then I suppose you see how much traveling you still ought to do before you die and you feel bad about it. I haven't done that challenge, but I carry a mental list of places I want to go: Italy and Jerusalem with my husband, Washington D.C. with my kids, London and New York with my mom and sister, Las Vegas with my friends. One place definitely not on my list is the desert. It's SO hot. Weird creatures live there. It's wide open and it's scary. I don't wanna go.

But somehow, I landed smack dab in the middle of a desert anyway. I had no intention of going there. It wasn't on my calendar or on my "to-do" list. I've been there for a while now. And I'm here to tell you that it is every bit as uncomfortable and unpleasant as I thought it might be.

My desert, of course, is a different sort than what comes to mind when you think "Sahara." My desert is emotional, a little bit physical, and very, very spiritual.

I woke up one Friday morning in February and I couldn't get out of bed. I wasn't sick, at least not physically. I cried for no reason. I could not bring myself to do the simple everyday things that make my world go round. I didn't cook. I didn't hang out with my boys. I didn't hang up clothes or run errands or drive the kids to activities or write lesson plans or call friends or wash my hair or anything. For three days I stayed in bed. It was the only place I felt safe. My sweet Hubby took over my responsibilities and allowed me that time to be sad and scared. On Monday, I knew that I had to get back to life whether I felt like it or not. I also knew that my heart was sick and that I needed help.

I found help with a Christian counselor who I've been seeing for several months. At our first meeting, she just let me talk. Well, to be honest, she asked me a bunch of questions that I answered honestly but quickly. See, I have a "safe zone" when it comes to talking about myself and especially when asking for help. My husband, my parents, and a few close friends are in the zone. Pouring out my deepest thoughts to a total stranger took my anxiety level through the roof. Telling her about everything was unbelievably hard.

"Everything" includes, but is certainly not limited to The Sickness and how it has turned my life 100% upside down. (There are other issues, of course, that are ongoing and un-blog-able.) Cancer came out of nowhere and knocked me down to the ground. Then, just when I was getting my second wind and was trying to move on, it took me down again. It moved on, but I believe that it is just temporary. Now I know that it is after me and that I can be blindsided at any time. It takes an enormous amount of effort to pretend that I'm fine, to act normal, to keep my worry and sorrow to myself, and most of all, to protect my family. Basically, I am killing myself trying to control something that I have absolutely no control over whatsoever. And, in the back of my mind and in the deepest part of my heart, there is a little nagging voice saying, "Where is God?"

For the first time in my entire life, I couldn't find Him.

"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?" (Ps. 10:1)

Happy Birthday, Little Middle!

Dear Little Middle,

March 25, 2004 was a Thursday. It was a beautiful, sunny spring day. Signs of new life--promises of bright new beginnings--were all around me. That day started like any other day, but by the time the sun set on that Thursday evening, I had a new beginning of my very own: I had you in my arms.

I have, for the most part, adored The Year You Were Seven. The difference I see in you from your last birthday to this one is extraordinary! You have done quite a bit of growing this year, small sir. If we still kept up with that growth chart the way I did when you boys were little, I wouldn't be surprised to see that you've added a good three or four inches. And I won't even talk about your shoe size here...

Your body isn't the only part of you that has grown. The most important decision you will ever make happened this year. Just a couple of months ago, you realized that you needed Jesus, and you invited Him to be your Savior. What a sweet moment that was! I will forever count myself privileged to have been by your side when you prayed that life-changing prayer. The enthusiasm you showed in the days following your decision were life-altering for me. There's no way you could have known it, but your spark touched a place deep inside of me that was hurting and dark. You see, I was close to your same age when I chose Jesus. I've loved Him for as long as I can remember, but I don't always understand Him...especially lately. Your fresh faith reminded me that my own faith doesn't have to be complicated, and that love is enough.

Many family members came to our church to see you and Goliath be baptized together. Precious, precious day that I will treasure in my heart for the rest of my days. You were so careful going down the steps into the water because you had been warned that it could be slippery. Goliath was practically on his way to heaven before you got into the baptistery!

And speaking of your big brother...While we enjoyed your birthday muffins this morning, we were laughing about how the novelty of you wore off on Goliath after just a couple of weeks. At age 2, he quickly moved from being proud of his little brother to trying to get rid of you by dragging your infant seat out into the front yard. Hmmmm....it's funny how some things don't change much. You're growing up and your relationships with your brothers are sometimes tumultuous, and sometimes hilarious. You are the only one in this household who has to master the arts of being both a little and a big brother, and you know what? No one else could be better suited for it. It's tough at times, but you're doing a great job.

Another thing I've loved watching this year is how you've developed your friendships. I worried so much that our move to our new house (and subsequently, your new school) would adversely affect your friendships. Silly me. You've managed to make new friends and keep up with your old ones. You told me recently, "Mom, there are two popular kids in my class." I asked you who they were, and you said, "Well, one is definitely me. The other one is just some girl." Then I had the audacity to ask you how you knew that you are popular at school. You replied with exasperation, "Because kids fight to sit next to me at lunch." Duh.

Funny thing is, I believe you.

You still love Legos. Your new goal is to build something awesome enough to get you recognized in the Lego magazine. The Lego city that you built won't fit into your Lego closet (you're the only kid I know who has a whole closet dedicated to Legos, by the way), so it remains in the game room. I just vacuum around it.

You like video games when the mood strikes you. You LOVE to ride your bike and you are getting quite good at skateboarding. You want to be outside as much as possible. You eat Toaster Strudels for breakfast every day. I let you not because I'm a good mom, but just because they make you so happy.

Do you want to know what my favorite part of the day is? It's when I tuck you in to bed at night. You might be growing up, but every single night you still raise up your hands to me and simply say, "Hug." Those hugs mean the world to me, Little Middle. You might not fit in my arms quite like you did on our first night together, but there will always be plenty of room for you in my arms and in my heart.

Your hugs and your smile are the light of my life. Happy Birthday, sweet boy.

Love,

Mom

At the Heart of the Matter

At bedtime...

Baby: Mommy, I am worried about you.

Me: What are you worried about?

Baby: I am worried that you don't feel good.

Me: Baby, Mommy is fine right now. Do you mean you are worried that I will get sick again?

Baby: Yes. I feel sad about that, Mom.

This is just one of the things that burdens my heart right now. But it is by far the heaviest: the fear that follows us--even the smallest of us--everywhere we go.

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will the enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God." Psalm 13:2-3

We're Not Having Chicken and Dumplings for Dinner

The bullet briefing format isn't my best blogging, but I dare you to read it. You'll soon understand why this is the way it has to be.

*On Valentine's Day, I had been at work for all of three minutes when Goliath called me from the school nurse's office to tell me she thought he had pink eye and I needed to come pick him up.

*Was the nurse really so busy at 8:13 a.m. that she couldn't call me herself?

*I left work, drove back to the elementary school, fetched my son, dropped him off at home, and zoomed back to work. Yes, I left him home alone, and yes, I felt guilty about it.

*I also felt guilty about leaving preschool at 12:30 to take him to the doctor, but that was before I noticed that all preschool parents must have fed their 4-year-olds Valentine candy for breakfast.

*The classic-flavored Sweetheart candies are gross. Who wants to eat a banana-flavored heart with a corny suggestive saying on it? I much prefer the SweetTart hearts.

*A doctor visit confirmed pink eye.

*I asked the P.A. to make sure that she sent Goliath's prescription to our "new" Walgreens instead of the one by our old house. I sure didn't want to drive the three whole extra miles across town to get his eye drops! Then when I went to pick up the scrip, wouldn't you know that our "new" store was out of stock and the only Walgreens in the area that had it was--you guessed it--the one right by our old house.

*Administering eye drops to a ten-year-old is not much different from giving them to a toddler. He squeezes his eye shut at the last second every. single. time.

*I am in desperate need of a good hair color and cut.

*This morning I woke up honestly believing today was Saturday. What a letdown.

*I couldn't figure out why I would set my alarm for 5:15 on a Saturday, so I just turned it off and went back to sleep.

*Obviously, my morning didn't go well.

*I was so frazzled by it not being Saturday, the 'tude I got from my son, another son's missing pants, and the school lunch menu calling for turkey and bean nachos (really, LISD?), that I forgot to take my breakfast with me when I left for work.

*The only thing worse than that is that I realized later that I also failed to put dinner in the crock pot. Instead of chicken and dumplings, we ate scrambled eggs tonight.

*My Buck went to see an oral surgeon today. My mom sent me a pic of him in the chair. Not only is he SO cute, but he was wearing his Team Allyson bracelet.

*Confessions of a bad mom: Sometimes (like today) I will stay to "observe" Goliath's jiu jitsu class just so I can sit still for a little while and do nothing.

*More and more, I am noticing that Abby Dog can't hear very well. Today I walked in the house and she didn't even know I was there until I rubbed her ears.

*I think that all the preschool parents fed their four-year-olds leftover Valentine candy for breakfast today.

*I am seriously thinking about getting one of those "Children At Play" signs to set up by our house. We live on a corner lot, and people need to slow down.

*I let a roofer guy inspect our roof so we can get an estimate on damage from recent hail storms. I thought it was a good thing to do; Hubby said I should never do that again without talking to him first. I guess I should be more picky about who I let climb on our roof.

*Gus the Terrible made me SO MAD yesterday. If he busts through the back door one more time after it rains I swear that I am going to strap wet Swiffer pads to his paws and make him mop the floor.

*I stayed home with Goliath last night while everyone else went to church. I was pulling a few weeds in the front yard and I unearthed a Batman figurine, two Hot Wheel cars, a mangled Lego piece, and two worms.

*After lamenting to my sweet neighbor about my unfortunate day, I sent her this text a while ago: "And now, for my last trick of the day, I am going to breathe deeply so I don't kill the child who took a plate of ketchup out of the kitchen and dropped it on the stairs. Stupid day."

*Writing sentences is an effective punishment for one of our kids.

*Another one of our boys lost the privilege of hanging out with his buddy after school for three days. On the second day, the buddy came to the door and asked me if he could please, please come out to play because "I don't have anything else to do." Talk about guilt trip.

*I still said no, because that's just the kind of week it's been.

Good News!

"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9

Tonight I held Little Middle's hand and listened with a full heart as he asked Jesus to be the Savior of his life. Welcome to the forever family, precious boy. Jesus and Mommy love you very, very much.