My world has been narrowed quite a lot in the last several weeks. Although I agreed to the terms of hospice care, I am always surprised when the next "thing" comes up and the response I get. That's not to say that I am dissatisfied with the service. In fact, I've been quite pleased with my experience. I recently had an episode in which I slept from 9:30 p.m. until 4:00 p.m. the following day. That, my friends, is a lot of sleeping! The nurse came out to make sure I was ok (I was). Since that initial day, it has happened a couple more times. On that first day when the nurse was here, I was surprised that I didn't get the reaction from her that I expected. She was very, very calm. Not negligent, not uncaring...just calm. I suppose that's how it goes in the hospice world.
I have a deep longing to be done here. If I were to be really truthful, I would tell you that I am disappointed most mornings to open my eyes and figure out that I am still here. I honestly thought I would have been taken home by now. Of course, the plans I make for myself rarely coincide with the plans that God makes for me. So, I spend a lot of my time thinking about heaven. What will it look like? Will I get to spend some one-on-one time with Jesus? Will there be lines to stand in to wait to meet the heroes of my faith: Moses, Noah, David, Peter, Peter (to name a few) like the queue at DisneyWorld?
"Eye has not seen, ear has not heard, neither has it entered into the heart of man all that God has prepared for those that love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:9
My mom wrote this verse for me and hung it on the wall where I can see it often. It is a promise I cling to with all my might. I know that there must be some reason that God is keeping me here, still alive, instead of swooping me up to be with Him. I certainly do wish I could understand it.
Instead, Monster marches on. Although my pain is well-managed, it has been necessary to take extra measures lately to ensure that that continues. I recently switched from oral meds to a pain pump. Were you to ever see me, you would notice the giant needle that is stabbed in my chest, or you might widen your eyes at the iv tubing that is attached to me, which must be carried everywhere I go. Everywhere. There's no question that the pump is the better option...I was taking as many as 30 pills each day. Still, it is cumbersome and only so much tubing will stay put in the cute Vera Bradley bag I tote around.
All that medicine is making me do weird things. Example: I had a dream where I was quite insistent that Princess Lovely come for tea. This was overheard by my mother, who is still giggling about it. Princess Lovely--ha! I also have had several instances where my hands will move while I'm sleeping. A few nights ago I tried to feed myself some imaginary yogurt with an imaginary spoon, only to wake up and find that things were just as I had left them when my eyes were closed. There was no spoon, no yogurt--just bedsheets. Bummer.
You might be wondering how my three little cowboys are holding up. Truth be told, I'm kind of wondering the same thing. It is like pulling teeth to get them to talk about it, and when we begin to scratch the surface, I get so nervous! What I do know for sure is that they are frightened and insecure--even though we are trying so hard to make it okay for them. Three individual little people = three individual needs. The hurt is huge. At times, it feels insurmountable. I have some guilt, because when this is all said and done, I get to be the lucky one. They have to stay here and learn to live without their mom. Some days seem good, and other days are very emotional and difficult. You would not waste a prayer on my three precious boys.
How about some good news? Ally's Wish is booming! Due to the generous support from so many, wishes are being granted! The Harrison family just returned from their trip to DisneyWorld. Angie was able to spend time in the parks each day with her husband the their three children, making memories that will last. Additionally, we have another mom whose wish we are already working on! She has meticulously journaled throughout her long fight with her Monster, and now she wants to have her journals bound into a book. That will be the next project for the team. It thrills me to no end that this foundation exists to make wishes come true for hurting families! As always, you can support us financially and make a difference to other people. Simply go to www.allyswish.org and click on the "donate" button. Thank you!
Please pray. Please pray that the days, however many there are left, would pass quickly--but not TOO quickly. Please pray that I would have discernment in making decisions and that the hearts of those who love me would be prepared. I am fully, 100%, no-questions-asked ready to go home. I'm thankful---SO thankful--that this space is only temporary. You can have all this world, but give me Jesus.